Being careful not to piss other people off

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auntblabby
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21 Jul 2022, 5:56 pm

a famous philosopher said "hell is other people."



funeralxempire
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21 Jul 2022, 6:46 pm

I struggle to identify if I'm pissing people off so I've mostly taught myself to not care.


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Lady Strange
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21 Jul 2022, 6:46 pm

Yeah I've inadvertently peeved people off and not realized what was going on or why. In my latest mishap I went nearly a week thinking a coworker was unjustly mad at me, come to find out they thought I was mad at them! Lol, man it gets real confusing. I often ask my husband to help know what to say or how to navigate. He says at work its all about being diplomatic in how you say things. I am real glad I have him to help or I would probably accidentally get myself fired for saying something that makes sense to me but to everyone else is the completely wrong thing to say, when I think I'm doing the right thing. Ugh.

I wish we had an autism hotline for to call to say "ok here is the situation going on, what do I say and how do I say it, and who do I say it to, to maximize an optimal outcome and not upset others/get fired etc?? We really need one of those!



KitLily
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22 Jul 2022, 1:13 am

Lady Strange wrote:
Yeah I've inadvertently peeved people off and not realized what was going on or why. In my latest mishap I went nearly a week thinking a coworker was unjustly mad at me, come to find out they thought I was mad at them! Lol, man it gets real confusing. I often ask my husband to help know what to say or how to navigate. He says at work its all about being diplomatic in how you say things. I am real glad I have him to help or I would probably accidentally get myself fired for saying something that makes sense to me but to everyone else is the completely wrong thing to say, when I think I'm doing the right thing. Ugh.

I wish we had an autism hotline for to call to say "ok here is the situation going on, what do I say and how do I say it, and who do I say it to, to maximize an optimal outcome and not upset others/get fired etc?? We really need one of those!


I'm the same! I'm always asking my husband to 'translate' what other people are doing and saying. He's really good with people so god knows why he married me.

I'm getting tired of trying to work it out though and very often I just leave people to stew. Apparently two 'playground mums' had a feud with me all through primary school but I didn't really notice and found their giggling and whispering amusing. It was all because my daughter didn't like one of their daughters and didn't invite her to her birthday party. Apparently that was a terrible sin and I was ostracized because of that. The problem was, I didn't really notice and only worked it out years later (oh so THAT was why Mummy X said that to me! That's why Mummy Y never let her daughter go to my daughter's party) :lol:

Playground politics are worse than office politics 8O


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Benjamin the Donkey
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22 Jul 2022, 11:51 am

When I was younger, I used to be very careful to avoid trouble, but it never worked anyway. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for nonsense, illogic and rudeness. So I say what I think and don't worry about too much the consequences. I sleep better that way.


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FleaOfTheChill
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22 Jul 2022, 5:26 pm

Noamx wrote:
This time, I'd like to talk to you about being careful not to piss other people off.

Basically, in most basic situations, I find it relatively easily to do. By basic experience, or basic social rules / skilled I have learned, I know how to not piss other people off when I say something to someone else, or perform an action, and so on. I think, the misunderstanding that pisses me off even more personally is, when someone gets angry at you or pissed off at you for doing something, even though what you've done isnt really a big problem at all. This is a good way to know the problem is theirs, not yours. Not that you, having Asperger Syndrome like I do, is the one causing the negative reaction. Sometimes other people are in a bad mood and I tend to forget it, so I used to think they reacted this way because it was my fault, something wrong I've done. Sometimes its hard to tell if its that or something else, but today, its much easier to tell than it was for me in the past. But generally, I think being careful not to piss other people off is a very important thing. Because, you want to be able to make friends, handle a relationship with other people, have atleast some people who like you, who enjoy talking to you, and so on. I insist there is no need to have alot of friends, but atleast a few people you can call friends would probably be enough. I honestly never felt ashamed of having nearly 0 friends, because I havent found people who I get along with, who are suitable for my style. So the smarter move was simply to avoid these people, not become friends with people I dont like. I think I've done the right thing about this, what about you? Also, can you share how you avoid pissing people off, and what do you think about the whole thing in generally?


I can't tell when I am in the right or the wrong with others. People will gaslight you and say that the blame is yours even when it's them who should shoulder that. It's hard for me to know if I'm being a jerk or if they are being manipulative.

At this point in my life, it's both accurate and inaccurate to say that I care if I piss people off. I care because I don't want to upset people who matter to me and I also want to know who I should keep around or let go of...if I offend someone at the drop of a hat, it's best to get that out in the open so they can go away sooner than later. I don't want to waste their time/energy or my own. I don't care because I don't have it in me to stress if I offend random people I encounter. That's not the way I'm wired.

In general, I don't try to avoid pissing people off. I do try to treat people with a basic level of decency, respect and common courtesy. I think it's messed up when people can't be bothered to do that for each other. I think a little decency goes a long way. However, if me speaking my mind or whatever offends someone, it's probably best if they move along so we can save ourselves from the headache of further communication.



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23 Jul 2022, 2:39 am

If I have a strange interaction with someone e.g. a checkout assistant, and I know I was polite, friendly, calm, yet they were snappy, I could that as a good interaction. I did my best, but they must have some problem that makes them act snappy. It's not always me who is the difficult one.


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Edna3362
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23 Jul 2022, 8:10 am

Being "too careful" not to piss other people off... Can lead to dehumanizing thoughts.


In which one isn't allowed to be human -- to be angry, to act on indignation, to have flaws, to have and accept limits, to have needs or feelings because it gets in the way of other people and self-who-serves-out-of-being-too-careful-not-to-piss-other-people-off.

In which one deems everyone else to be worthy of being human -- flawed and emotional and needing to be tended and accomodate with...
In which own needs as human an obstacle to someone's needs; one of which is to not piss other people off.


:|
Is there any wondering why so many autistics, particularly and more so 'HFA's, have mental health issues?


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Dillogic
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23 Jul 2022, 8:36 am

I don't like offending people. Emotionally hurting people. Regardless. Maybe made this way, maybe not. It is how I am, for good or bad. I avoid conflict entirely outside of self-defense. I'll usually just withdraw if I've inadvertently offended or emotionally hurt someone, but I've been working on this one. Easier to avoid people in the end with my personality, as it hurts me when I offend or emotionally hurt others.

I don't think it's autism here, as I'm well aware of social graces. Autism just makes it hard for people to get to know me as I'm asocial.



KitLily
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23 Jul 2022, 9:00 am

Thinking about this, I grew up with a very oversensitive, easily offended mother. I tried not to upset her, but she got angry and offended anyway.

So I tried harder to be more sensitive, more tactful etc. But she got offended and angry anyway e.g. when I dared to go to university.

So I tried harder to be more sensitive, more tactful etc. But she got offended and angry anyway. e.g. when I dared to have a boyfriend, when I dared to get married and have a baby.

But when I got a boyfriend and she was angry, I gave up. Everything I did was wrong and made her annoyed, so I just kept out of her way and lived my own life.

If I meet people like her these days, I keep well out of their way!


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Lady Strange
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23 Jul 2022, 9:14 am

Edna3362 wrote:
Being "too careful" not to piss other people off... Can lead to dehumanizing thoughts.


In which one isn't allowed to be human -- to be angry, to act on indignation, to have flaws, to have and accept limits, to have needs or feelings because it gets in the way of other people and self-who-serves-out-of-being-too-careful-not-to-piss-other-people-off.

In which one deems everyone else to be worthy of being human -- flawed and emotional and needing to be tended and accomodate with...
In which own needs as human an obstacle to someone's needs; one of which is to not piss other people off.


:|
Is there any wondering why so many autistics, particularly and more so 'HFA's, have mental health issues?


Actually that is a good point. I've gone many years feeling like everyone else is allowed to express themselves and have emotions they express (even anger, or not pleasant ones) yet I have always had to stifle myself and not be allowed to express myself. It's hard because then I feel like I'm only worth being around as long as I act nice and pleasant all the time and never anything negative ever, but that isn't fair to me. Why do they get to do what they need to and it is looked at as fine, yet I do and I am some bad person who needs to control themselves better. Big double standard!



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23 Jul 2022, 9:31 am

As some of you have mentioned, I don't really recognize my own wants, feelings and so on, as I learnt they didn't matter and only those of the ones that made me walk on those eggshells do. Which then transferred to everyone else. I had to learn to walk on those eggshells or pain would be coming my way, so that'll be one of the main reasons why I am how I am. I learnt to feel pain when others would become offended, no matter intent (I never intend to offend anyone), even if it was erroneous via their own disorder (malignant narcissists). Hence, easier to avoid others, even though almost all people aren't like those who made me this way, which will be one of those ironic things.

Growing up with a couple of malignant narcissists and being hypersensitive leads to a funny person, who hates being different all the same, because that too is part of it all, as I'd rather be another knot on a wooden wall; if you blend in you don't bring attention, which can lead to offending or emotionally hurting others without meaning to. :|