Feeling of shame or unfairness of having Asperger Syndrome

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Noamx
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23 Jul 2022, 6:09 am

Well basically, this time, what I'd like to talk to you about is a possible feeling of shame or unfairness of having Asperger Syndrome. Not everyone would have these feelings, but I sure have/had many times. I rarely ever shared these feelings with someone else, because not everyone knows exactly what Asperger Syndrome is, specifically not what the symptoms are too, so I thought they wouldnt understand my shame / unfair feelings. I was hoping if you can please hear what I have to say about all this, and share what you think, thanks.

Okay so, I'll start. Well basically, for me, the 2 feelings I mentioned now have been mostly separate from each other most of the time. When I felt shame, I felt it because its embarassing to have weaker social skills compared to other people who were normal people, without a syndrome. They didnt struggle to make friends, they didnt struggle to find a girlfriend, they didnt struggle to get laid, they didnt struggle at studies at high school, they didnt get rejected by a college for not finishing high school because they had to leave high school because of bullying - but all that, I sure did.

To this day, I have very few friends if at all. Even the very few ones I have, I hardly can even call them friends. For them, I am not their friend. Its mostly just me considering them my friends, to be honest.

To this day, I struggle to find a girlfriend. I've been single for countless years and have been dealing with terrible problems in my life due to this loneliness.

To this day, I am frequently unemployed due to the fact I lack the education required for certain workplaces / professions.

The list goes on...alot of problems in my life which were a result of having the syndrome, unfortunately.

This takes me to the other feeling of unfairness. Yeah, as you guys probably know, this feeling can make you really frustrated sometimes, especially if you think about it as deeply as I do. I'd say, even though you can call many other disorders unfair, the unfairness of Asperger syndrome is different than the unfairness of other disorders, I think. You're probably asking why? Yeah, I thought so, good question. Well, the answer is, because, when someone has a normal Autism for example, its much more severe of course whcih leads to the false belief its even more unfair to have than the Asperger Syndrome. But, hell no mates, thats not even close to reality. To be honest with you, because people with normal autism have no way to even tell what they have sometimes, and are unable to realize / be aware of certain things in their life / surroundings, THEY DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE UNFAIRNESS OF BEING INTELLECTUALLY A NORMAL PERSON WHILE STILL HAVING THE SAME SOCIAL PROBLEMS OF ASPERGER SYNDROME. In other words, not being aware of something means you dont worry about it, means you dont need to work hard to become a more normal person, and so on. Having awareness, but not the ability to resolve a problem, is beyond frustrating. Its hard to describe, but yeah, I did my best I think. I was hoping if you all can please also share what you think about all this, thanks.


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jimmy m
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23 Jul 2022, 9:45 am

The condition of Asperger's syndrome has existed for a long time, from the early ages of man. I have Asperger's and I function differently than other people. One of the differences is the way I look during a conversation. Most people give EYE TO EYE contact. They stare at the other persons eyes when they are talking to them. I DO NOT. I start off to one side of their face and I rarely do EYE TO EYE. Most people learn at a very early age to judge a person by how their eyes meet. As a result, they can detect me and my condition within a second or two. It is like an automatic function. So in general, they do not try and associate with me. They view me as EVIL, UNTRUTHFUL, A LIAR, someone to be avoided at all cost.

But I am really very friendly deep inside me. And I do what I can to help others.

A few years ago I tried a very interesting experiment. There is a type of sunglasses that are essentially one way glasses. You can see out but others cannot see in. They cannot see your eyes. They cannot see what you are looking at. These glasses let most of the light pass through, so you can even see when wearing them indoors. (The police wore this type of sunglasses when driving their patrol car because it would prevent a lawbreaker from reading their minds.) So when I went out to store or other places, I began wearing these glasses. It was a little like walking into a different world. Total strangers would come up to me and begin conversations. It was almost like becoming a normal person.


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Joe90
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23 Jul 2022, 6:58 pm

I find having ASD embarrassing too. I don't have anything against autistic people, just autism itself. Even if I'm around really educated, understanding people, I still feel embarrassed to let them know I have ASD. I don't know why. I just don't want people to look at me and go "you're autistic". I don't feel autistic. I don't feel it's who I am. I'm happier when people don't know. It's not who I am. It's just a stupid label that describes my embarrassing stupid teenage self. That's when it peaked. But since nobody can ever grow out of their autism, I'm stuck with the inaccurate label for life, just because I was a stupid backward dorky weirdo when I was aged 11-16. :roll:


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Edna3362
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23 Jul 2022, 7:37 pm

My shame lies with being unable to keep up and do more than I could've wish.
In which where my pride lies in.

I could've just drop the whole thing, you know?

And just do what makes me very happy, with no one stopping me.
Whether it's to focus on digital arts or stim and craft myself away...

So far, I can't afford that.
Literally.

And my pride hates the fact that people have to adjust around me regardless of reasons.

Yet I could've just drop all of it. And be randomly helpful or something like that. Trust the world to just take care of me.
I can afford enough of that -- my family can -- I don't have enough responsibilities to afford to.

But pride hates the idea of being someone else's responsibility... Standards have other ideas. Moodiness has other ideas.

Quote:
Having awareness, but not the ability to resolve a problem, is beyond frustrating.

Very true.
At it's core, it's a brand of helplessness.

It doesn't help that people think that if one is aware, then one can do something about it...

The same can be applied in anything in life.
It requires outside intervention -- helpful ones hopefully, and get convinced or be aware what doesn't convince one, etc.


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Fnord
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23 Jul 2022, 8:59 pm

I feel no sense of shame or unfairness with regard to having an ASD.

I feel only anger and frustration at those who mistreat others because of their ASD diagnoses.

I also feel the same toward people who believe that I should feel any sense of shame or unfairness with regard to having an ASD.

Until I received my diagnosis, I had to struggle to overcome the internal obstacles that ASDs emplace. This struggle made my observation and reasoning skills stronger, and also seem to have positively affected my math skills and my understanding of complex scientific principles.

Finally, my struggles and experiences gave me a very low tolerance for delusional people who try to impress me with their “superior” esoteric beliefs, especially when such beliefs all turn out to be so much bovine excrement.



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23 Jul 2022, 9:09 pm

Quote:
In other words, not being aware of something means you dont worry about it, means you dont need to work hard to become a more normal person, and so on. Having awareness, but not the ability to resolve a problem, is beyond frustrating.


I don’t know if I entirely agree with you here. People who aren’t aware that they have it would be less likely to receive support and could be more likely to get burned out.

I felt empowered when I received my diagnosis at 30. It was validating and good for my overall self esteem. My family always claimed that my problem was that I wasn’t trying hard enough when, in actuality, I was pushing myself to the point of burn-out.

This self knowledge made it easier to make the right choices for me.

My family has been supportive in some ways. In others, they try to blame any perceived difference of opinion on my autism, which is nonsense. I’m actually the normal one because they’re all bonkers. Imagine being the normal one. 8O

At any rate, I don’t mind having AS; I embrace it.


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Fnord
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23 Jul 2022, 9:12 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
I felt empowered when I received my diagnosis at 30. It was validating and good for my overall self esteem. My family always claimed that my problem was that I wasn’t trying hard enough when, in actuality, I was pushing myself to the point of burn-out.

This self knowledge made it easier to make the right choices for me. . . At any rate, I don’t mind having AS; I embrace it.
Same here, except I received my diagnosis at 54.

(Wow! Has it really been 11 years?!)



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23 Jul 2022, 9:21 pm

Fnord wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I felt empowered when I received my diagnosis at 30. It was validating and good for my overall self esteem. My family always claimed that my problem was that I wasn’t trying hard enough when, in actuality, I was pushing myself to the point of burn-out.

This self knowledge made it easier to make the right choices for me. . . At any rate, I don’t mind having AS; I embrace it.
Same here, except I received my diagnosis at 54.

(Wow! Has it really been 11 years?!)


I can’t believe it’s been 8 years for me.

I lurked on here a couple of years before joining.

Anyway, if anything, I wish I knew when I was younger. I think it would’ve been helpful in a variety of ways.


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Bepidrix
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23 Jul 2022, 9:27 pm

I'm sorry to hear this. Personally I take pride in being on the spectrum, seeing as part of who I am. (Now my anxiety disorder on the other hand... :x ) It's strengths are nice, and I've found ways to manage the challenges with no small help from practicing self-advocacy. However, I was always in very accepting environments, which probably played a huge role.

What happens when you tell other people? For me it has always been for the best, but it may have been different for others.



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23 Jul 2022, 10:11 pm

Asperger’s or autism is not Leprosy.

And it is not something that someone must “confess” to.



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23 Jul 2022, 10:16 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Asperger’s or autism is not Leprosy.

And it is not something that someone must “confess” to.


It’s definitely not leprosy! I was incredibly anxious about catching leprosy when I was a child. My fears were always bizarrely irrational.

There are worse things than having autism.


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Last edited by Twilightprincess on 24 Jul 2022, 12:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

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23 Jul 2022, 11:38 pm

I've had a feeling of unfairness for about a year as a teenager. I felt that it was unfair that my sister had opportunities that I didn't have and she's three years younger than I am. I wasn't to crazy about the fact that she had the opportunity to make her own money before I had that chance. I felt very suicidal that year because I didn't feel that I had a productive future. I've long since gotten over those feelings and I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm on the spectrum these days.


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24 Jul 2022, 12:00 am

I'm not going to feel shame or unfairness for any medical condition I have. I may curse at life for some of my hardships and circumstances, but in the end, it's just the hand I was dealt, and I don't want another. I didn't have awareness of autism for 23 years or so. Not much changed afterwards, outside of it explaining some things about me, why I'm "disabled" in some ways.



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24 Jul 2022, 5:32 am

"Shame" about 'aspergers' is impossible.

How can you be 'ashamed' of something that you were born with that wasnt your fault? Like being ashamed of being born in the 1980s, or being ashamed of doing a bad job of picking the right set of parents to have.

"Unfairness" ...not necessary but understandable. My sister is NT, but has diabetes, I dont have diabetes, but have aspergers. There is s**t to go around for everyone.So the unfairness part gets dampened down.



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24 Jul 2022, 5:36 am

It is possible to feel shame for having Asperger's, because I feel it.


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24 Jul 2022, 5:38 am

I don't really feel shame, full stop.


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