How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

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Thank you for your answer. I don't know if it my wrong perception or being paranoid but I have impression that you have been reading my posts and that you are making slight allusions that I might be narcissistic? Believe it or not I've been asking this myself eversince I realized I've been raised by a narcissist.
All I know is that I never complain to other people about things I write on this forum. I am usually a listener, can listen people for hours talking about themselves. I am also a classic people pleaser, thinking that it is my responsibility to always help them and make them feel better. And then as CPTSD and autism emerged as another ones of my possible diagnoses I became really anxious and started panicking about what is wrong with me and why I have troubled relationship with people I get close to. I haven't been like this my whole life, but as of from my mid thirties, that's when I noticed I became easily irritable, started having my anxieties and that my nerves can't tolerate anymore nothing that looks like stress and negativity.

I am aware that I might appear I put all people in the same basket, I don't. I know they have their own struggles, here where I leave, life has always been difficult, many wars, repressions, the whole society transition from extreme powerty even slavery, over communism, brain washing, to liberal capitalism, corruption, violence. Many people really lost their track in an attempt to transit from powerty to what is called rich life. It really all became about having interest, about consumerism, that also took toll on their psyche and the way they operate. Especially people who live in big citties ( we don't have many) and that's why I consider to relocate even to a small village, I find myself much more relaxed among simple people and being closer to nature.

But being raised by a narcissist probably gave me also some narcissistic traits, also. And I would be devastated if it appears that I'm full narcissist, but please let me know if you think so. At least I would know where to start from and to look for help. Finding out that my family was troubled, that my sister was a narcissist, our mother who parentified her, our father being an Asperger, realizing that I suffer from CPTSD, than possible autism, possible narcissism, not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, it all came last year one after another in a short time, making me really worried and confused. Maybe that's why I sound dramatic but I'm really looking how to improve myself to be truly funcional and having healthier relationships.

The best of all, sorry if you didn't imply all of this and that I made it all about myself. Then I really have a very serious reason to worry what is wrong with me.

I'm not one for slight allusion, I tend to stumble past allusions into direct accusation.

I'm not familiar enough with your posts, nor have you said anything (that I've noticed) that would be a red flag for me.

Knowing only what you've mentioned here, it might be worth considering but so far I haven't seen anything to indicate it. That said, it's aligned with what I've observed and believe to be true (that there's shared similarities between the two that can make people with ASD appear narcissistic as well as be less likely to recognize the need to/benefits of modifying those behaviours).

Thanks a lot, I've been waiting for your answer anxiously. I took some time to read your posts and it seems to me that you are very objective observer and that you are getting right to the point in whatever you analize, and I also noticed that you have very finely tuned sense for justice and ethics. So I value your opinion very much.

My English is still not that good but I guess that your answer should more than not make me releaved a little bit.

Anyway, thanks once again, I appreciate you took a time to answer.

One person’s mountain is another person’s molehill. Trauma triggers can play a role as well. Being triggered, even by something seemingly minor, is not always something that someone with (C)PTSD can control, just like a manic episode is not always something that someone with bipolar can control. “Triggered” is another word that is WAY overused in popular culture.

I am always weary when people present themselves as victims, whilst simultaneously exhibiting abusive behaviours.

Even more weary when those people gossip maliciously behind one's back.

I'm wary of people who claim to be empaths.

There are different types of empathy, aren't there?

Cognitive empathy can be achieved by anyone who can estimate how another person feels.

Affective empathy is when people actually feel the emotions of others.

Normally people who say they are empaths mean the latter in my experience. But whether their claim is true is another thing.

Yeah I mean like people who go overboard with it.

If someone can show me that the understand how I feel and it's a natural human reaction then I'm fine with that and I get that that is empathy but there are some people (a very small number of people) who like to go ott with it.

There's just something really off with that that I just can't trust.

Fair enough.

I saw some role plays online and a few things to look for

1. If they seem to start playing the victim but also bragging about how special they are
2. They ask for personal information too quickly.
3. If they seem to love bomb you

Here is some more:
https://dearmedia.com/how-to-spot-a-nar ... ationship/


Beware of triangulation:
Another thing to look for is when someone makes it sound like they are into you. Then the next thing you know, they turn around and choose someone else over you. Then after that, you find that you are fighting over this person.

This happened to me back when I was 26 when someone who had an ASD turned out to also be a narc. He spent an entire month acting like he was into me by flirting. Then during the next time when we got together, he spent the evening ignoring me and flirting with my friend. While I won't get into the details, he did things that provoked me to jealousy. After that, he did other things, like telling us that he didn't have feelings for either of us. He also had the nerve to compare me to this other person. "Well, she's more calm than you are. You always get on my nerves and you are too hyper."

Here's a poem that offers some advice on how to avoid dating a narcissist. Please share this:

Beware the charm that glows too bright,
A mask that hides the darkness, out of sight.
For in the mirror of their adoration, you'll find,
Reflections of a soul, self-centered and blind.

Listen keenly to their tales of grandeur,
But heed the whispers of doubt that linger.
For narcissists weave stories, oh so grand,
To cloak their insecurities, they can't withstand.

Observe how they treat those around,
Do they lift them up, or tear them down?
Kindness and empathy, virtues rare,
Narcissists lack, it's their despair.

Don't be swayed by flattery's sway,
For beneath lies manipulation's play.
They'll praise you high, then bring you low,
A rollercoaster ride, to nowhere you'll go.

Trust your instincts, they seldom lie,
If something feels off, don't deny.
For in the dance of love, let wisdom lead,
To a partner who values, not just their own need.

So if you seek love, pure and true,
Guard your heart from the narcissist's view.
For in the end, it's self-love you'll find,
The greatest protection, for your peace of mind.

A well written poem. Who wrote it?

I used an AI tool called ChatGPT. Thanks for asking.

Impressive!

Just call me. If I think they are hot, drop and run!


I was raised by narcs and all my serious relationships have been with narcs.

I have learned a lot about them over the years, but knowledge isn't cure.

I haven't dated since my last narc left (2019), and that was decades of hell.

I was hoping I was beyond whatever trauma bond /narcophilia has plagued my romantic life, but I fell into a thing with a very extreme narc while playing Evony in 2023.

(And yeah, he's hot and 30--and yeah, that's 37 years younger than me. And yeah...)

I stopped playing last November. I was relieved to be away from him, but still missed him.

He popped up on my Line app this past week, and I'm not answering. But also sad about it.

Still messed in the head.

That looks like your own creative poem, Charlemania.

Well written.

Yes, leaving a narc can 'feel' like decades of hell, but in the end, you don't have to deal with the 'when is my partner gonna call' anxiety.

Knowing yourself more is the way to start before rejoining the dating world.

Last bumped by knowingtheautist on 26 Apr 2024, 7:29 pm.