Sexless long-term relationships

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GadgetGuru
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07 Aug 2022, 12:20 pm

I'm wondering if anyone here has been in a long-term relationship that started with "normal" sexual contact, but became completely sexless at some point. Were you able to maintain the relationship for long when this happened and find ways to adapt to this new mode, or are such relationships doomed to eventually fail, as if often assumed?


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Twilightprincess
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07 Aug 2022, 12:30 pm

I think a sexless relationship can work, especially if the relationship is good in other ways and both people love each other.

Medical issues or other extenuating situations can happen. Good sex is nice, but I don’t think it’s essential.


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07 Aug 2022, 1:28 pm

Generally have read in a few places , that as relationships mature . The concept of Eros love vs Agape
love . Concept of maturation of loving relationships .. but occassional . And am sure on many occassion that both parties . May not have matured in the relationship at the same time . Or a healthy sex drive might be a conflicting element ??? Sounds like a situation ready for compromise .


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09 Aug 2022, 9:31 pm

GadgetGuru wrote:
I'm wondering if anyone here has been in a long-term relationship that started with "normal" sexual contact, but became completely sexless at some point.


There's a word for that -- MARRIAGE



Sweetleaf
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10 Aug 2022, 2:29 pm

Minuteman wrote:
GadgetGuru wrote:
I'm wondering if anyone here has been in a long-term relationship that started with "normal" sexual contact, but became completely sexless at some point.


There's a word for that -- MARRIAGE



Why would that necessarily stop people from having sex?


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FleaOfTheChill
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10 Aug 2022, 6:27 pm

I have. More than once. More often than not, it's me that is causing the change in the relationship. For my whole (adult-ish) life I have fluctuated between a high sex drive to none at all. Usually I'm in the middle, but there have been times where I thought I was completely uninterested in sex for months to a year at a time. That can be problematic (to say the least), especially if my partner was one who met me during a higher sex drive period in my life. People have had their feelings hurt by me and felt rejected, ugly, whatever. It sucks. Then I have been on the flip side...one ex had depression issues that made him detach physically and another was a trauma survivor.

In my case, I am polyamorous by nature, though I do end up in monogamous relationships sometimes. The poly relationships have been ideal for me when I go on 'no touchy' mode. :lol: That way I don't feel bad about them not having sex because they can go have it if they want. I don't care. For the flip side with me, eh, I didn't care if they didn't want sex. I knew they had stuff going on and sex wasn't a big deal to me, so it was whatever. There was a reason, so for me it wasn't some big red flag in the relationship. That would be my main concern...is there a deeper issue that's playing out here that way. If not, then cool.

I think they can work, depending on the people. Like I said, I have caused people some seriously hurt feeling and made some feel insecure and rejected. People like that probably should not be in a relationship where there's suddenly no sex. That can and will hurt some people, and I think that's fair. They'll react how they react. Other people need sex or they'll get resentful. That's no way to be in a relationship. Others don't care. It depends. Sometimes it's fine, other times, it's the opposite of fine.

There's my wishy washy response. :lol:



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11 Aug 2022, 5:53 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Minuteman wrote:
GadgetGuru wrote:
I'm wondering if anyone here has been in a long-term relationship that started with "normal" sexual contact, but became completely sexless at some point.


There's a word for that -- MARRIAGE



Why would that necessarily stop people from having sex?
I've heard married guys complain about how their wives stopped wanting sex after the honeymoon period. In some of those situations the guys side seems like the women didn't really like sex & were having sex to keep the guy interested. 1ce they were married the women felt they no longer needed to pretend & fake it anymore. There could also be stress with living with a partner every day & raising kids & other life factors that tend to happen after marriage.


I'm sorta on the asexuality spectrum & I like sex OK but I do NOT want my relationships to be based on sex & I'm OK with not having sex. My current relationship did NOT start with normal sexual contact but we did have sex & fool around occasionally. Cass likes sex but she has various physical & mental health issues & insecurity that makes having sex difficult & it's been a couple years since we've did anything sexual together. I'm not really bothered by that. I deal with it myself & I take a med to lower my sex drive. I read about some other guys taking meds to lower their drive cuz they were in long-term sexless relationships.


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11 Aug 2022, 5:58 am

Yep....worst kept secret is old married folk stop having sex



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12 Aug 2022, 8:01 am

She decided after me, rejecting sex once (my parents request no sex in the house), that from now on, no more sex until marriage. I found my own place, so my own rules. Yep, I was manipulated into marriage, after 2 years of no sex, sleeping in the same bed. After giving up and marrying her, more manipulation and demands came. Now they are called "expectations". Except they came after we got married. So I got out after a year of trying it out, after everyone told me, that everything will be fine once we get married. Yep, that was one big lie.

So the moral of the story is that there are people who cannot handle rejection, then they start with their covert manipulation. It is so subtle. You start doubting yourself, that what you know to be wrong, is now suddenly all okay. You think you are losing your mind, but really. If I only insisted on listening to myself. Knowing, what I was to be true and stuck to it.

I wanted to dump her after that request, but I was manipulated right back into the relationship (before marriage).

Now I have to work on myself, to understand why it is so easy to manipulate me, and why I ignored all my intuition screaming at me. These manipulators knows no gender, no sexual orientation, or ethnicity. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes. No "ugly" person is going to be faithful because they are ugly. or in reverse.

Now I put my expectations out there, and if they cannot meet it, then so be it. Even though it has been 10 years since I have been in a long term relationship. At least I don't feel like I'm going crazy.



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12 Aug 2022, 12:24 pm

Stalk wrote:
She decided after me, rejecting sex once (my parents request no sex in the house), that from now on, no more sex until marriage. I found my own place, so my own rules. Yep, I was manipulated into marriage, after 2 years of no sex, sleeping in the same bed. After giving up and marrying her, more manipulation and demands came. Now they are called "expectations". Except they came after we got married. So I got out after a year of trying it out, after everyone told me, that everything will be fine once we get married. Yep, that was one big lie.

So the moral of the story is that there are people who cannot handle rejection, then they start with their covert manipulation. It is so subtle. You start doubting yourself, that what you know to be wrong, is now suddenly all okay. You think you are losing your mind, but really. If I only insisted on listening to myself. Knowing, what I was to be true and stuck to it.

I wanted to dump her after that request, but I was manipulated right back into the relationship (before marriage).

Now I have to work on myself, to understand why it is so easy to manipulate me, and why I ignored all my intuition screaming at me. These manipulators knows no gender, no sexual orientation, or ethnicity. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes. No "ugly" person is going to be faithful because they are ugly. or in reverse.

Now I put my expectations out there, and if they cannot meet it, then so be it. Even though it has been 10 years since I have been in a long term relationship. At least I don't feel like I'm going crazy.


That sounds rough, glad you got out of that marriage...and at least have some peace of mind now. But yeah idk what whoever told you it would get better after marriage was thinking, that is not how it works if you're already unhappy before the marriage.

Another thing I hate to see is people getting married/staying together 'for the kids'. Trust me the kids would much rather visit their parents separately than overhear them arguing constantly or deal with when they aren't speaking to each other.


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that1weirdgrrrl
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12 Aug 2022, 5:24 pm

Stalk wrote:
She decided after me, rejecting sex once (my parents request no sex in the house), that from now on, no more sex until marriage. I found my own place, so my own rules. Yep, I was manipulated into marriage, after 2 years of no sex, sleeping in the same bed. After giving up and marrying her, more manipulation and demands came. Now they are called "expectations". Except they came after we got married. So I got out after a year of trying it out, after everyone told me, that everything will be fine once we get married. Yep, that was one big lie.

So the moral of the story is that there are people who cannot handle rejection, then they start with their covert manipulation. It is so subtle. You start doubting yourself, that what you know to be wrong, is now suddenly all okay. You think you are losing your mind, but really. If I only insisted on listening to myself. Knowing, what I was to be true and stuck to it.

I wanted to dump her after that request, but I was manipulated right back into the relationship (before marriage).

Now I have to work on myself, to understand why it is so easy to manipulate me, and why I ignored all my intuition screaming at me. These manipulators knows no gender, no sexual orientation, or ethnicity. They come in all forms, shapes and sizes. No "ugly" person is going to be faithful because they are ugly. or in reverse.

Now I put my expectations out there, and if they cannot meet it, then so be it. Even though it has been 10 years since I have been in a long term relationship. At least I don't feel like I'm going crazy.


I'm glad you are seeking healthier partners now. Manipulative relationships are horrible.


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12 Aug 2022, 8:29 pm

Stalk wrote:
So the moral of the story is that there are people who cannot handle rejection, then they start with their covert manipulation. It is so subtle. You start doubting yourself, that what you know to be wrong, is now suddenly all okay. You think you are losing your mind, but really. If I only insisted on listening to myself. Knowing, what I was to be true and stuck to it. .


This happened to my brother in his first marriage. The girl was using and abusing him and he took it. Fortunately my parents were able to make him take a restraining order and the woman was chucked out. Within a few weeks she was living with another sucker (I mean another man).



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12 Aug 2022, 8:38 pm

If I had stayed with my last partner, I would have ended up in such a relationship.

I can't be in a sexless relationship.



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12 Aug 2022, 8:50 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
If I had stayed with my last partner, I would have ended up in such a relationship.

I can't be in a sexless relationship.


I think this is also age dependent. If your < 50 then of course sex is a big factor in any relationship. But for older people it's really not as big a deal. People don't talk about their sex lives with friends and strangers so I find it amusing when young folk are outraged when an older couple disclose they are in a sexless marriage.

Newsflash: it happens and the couple still love each other.



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13 Aug 2022, 3:03 am

Sex does not have to be the be-all-end-all of a relationship.


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13 Aug 2022, 3:52 am

Zakatar wrote:
Sex does not have to be the be-all-end-all of a relationship.


exactly