New here, question about friendships...

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, I am new here and I posted earlier on the parenting board. I decided to come over here because I have a question about being an aspie and having friendships.

I think my daughter has AS. She is 5 years old and just started Kindergarden. I am thinking it will be a matter of time before someone will finally agree with me that something is going on. My dd was evaluated back when she was three but she did not get a diagnosis. At the time she was not showing enough social deficits. I think they are emerging now though.

She has never had the "big" signs of asd like eye contact issues and joint attention but she has had a lot of odd development in speech and language. She was not late but she has had problems with echolalia, pronoun reversals and memorized speech. She is doing much better now but she is still not talking like most kids her age. She lacks conversation but she can talk all day. Along with speech issues she also stimms. She wiggles her fingers and grimaces her face at the same time. She does it when she is excited, I dont see her seeking out this movement to pass the time away. Socially now, its a little odd. Its like she doesnt get things. She puts her face too close to people and no matter how many times I tell to stop, she doesnt. She is bossy and does not understand when people have had enough. I can go on and on.

Anyway, why I am here. Is there such thing as high functioning AS? I ask this because half the time I think she is AS the other half of the time I think she is NT. I am kind of split on this. She has good days and some bad.

If she is AS, does this mean she is set up for social failure? This is my biggest fear. Can anyone give me some positive stories of friendships. I really just want her to be happy and if she is happy wothout friends, that is fine. I am really just worried about her being bullied. Does this ALWAYS happen to people with AS?

I think I overreact and I hope this is one of those times. You know, the more I read about AS, the more I think I may shade into the spectrum. I was not targeted at school but I only kept a few close friends my entire life. Is this the norm or is being bullied?

Also, I just read an article on girls with AS. It scared me to death. Do you all believe that girls with AS are worse off than boys...or is it all pretty equal?

Sorry to ramble...any advise or comments will be appreciated...thank you:)

I find it interesting how people react to the idea of social relations. To me, it is a paradox. I don't talk to many people, I have maybe one friend, lol, but I'm usually okay with it unless I REALLY get to thinking about it, and it takes a LOT of thinking for me to not be that comfortable with it. Other people insist that my being a "social failure" makes me miserable, when I object, they insist that it is a problem simply because they do not see how they could be happy or at least comfortable with it. However, while observing and listening to their stories, they are constantly in an argument with someone, always trying to prove a point... they seem to be in some sort of competition with each other. Who has the best stories to tell about such and such? What does everyone think of our friend so and so? Usually it amounts to them wanting to hear good things about themselves, but the more friends that they have, the more they compete. I cannot see how in the world they would be happy.

I do at times wish I was more social, but then I wonder what the point is. The idea of how much scheduling, plan making and breaking, phone conversations all of the time, listening to drama, etc. I'd just rather not, lol.

Sorry, I'm not even sure if I'm making any sense with why I approached a response this way, but this is the first thing that popped into my mind, lol.

By the way, I was never really bullied. I was picked on from time to time, but I never had any horrendous tales to tell except from family members really that stick out in my mind to be honest... and even then it's iffy as to whether or not it was even bullying, because it was family.

I also do have very strong bonds with the people I do consider to be my friends, I just don't maintain them as I typically should. I have lost a lot of friends this way, but have also found out who my real friends are, because they accept it and know that is just how I am. I have some friends I have not seen in 5-10 years except for a very rare occasional visit once a year I might make, and they welcome me back as if I was never gone. It doesn't help that I feel detached with them all, but that is nothing new-I feel detached with everyone, including myself occasionally.

I have good days and bad...too much sensory input, fatigue, if I'm not feeling well...those are the really bad ones.




I guess I could be defined as a social failure...although at 40 I don't loose any sleep over it. Friends have come and gone in my live...I have one close friend, who is alot like myself in many ways, we connect when our lives allow it, we both keep pretty busy.

Many of us have friends...although we may not cultivate a number of them like NT's. Friendship does not equal happiness...you can have one without the other, honest.

I don't know if bullied was the right word for me, more like "shunned"...I was different, not in a physically obvious way, but I didn't fit in all the same. I had alot of problems in high school and ended up dropping out in the end...but that was back in the early 80's in a small town...not 1/3 of the opportunities that exist today (home schooling, virtual schooling, etc) existed then. High school girls can be brutal...end of story.

Welcome.
My humble suggestion.
I am not officially diagnosed, so I will not speak to AS specifically. However, having been outcast and bullied most of my life I decided my children would not suffer the same fate, regardless of etiology. I have made a huge effort to get them into the more popular extracurricular activities, the earlier the better, and we work hard so that they will excel at these activities (sports & arts). I believe it is important to say that we don't force them into these activities, but we certainly manipulate them so that they will want to stay with it. At the classes / events I go out of my way to attempt to socialize with other parents; I can pass for normal in small doses. My strategy was that skills bring acceptance, and even if they are not as socially adept as their peers their skills will allow them to belong to "the team clique". So far so good, but it's early, as we are only talking elementary school. They may actually be NT, but it is nurture as well as nature so at the least I am compensating for my own bad example of 'fitting in'.
I hope this has been a little useful to you.
vf

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Hi MommytoA. Your daughter sounds a lot like one of my little family members who is definitely AS, but hasn't received a formal diagnosis yet (and may never). We have been able to gradually teach him enough social skills to enable him to blend in - nowhere near completely, but enough to get by.

His echolalia is now mostly internal (as happens with most AS children as they get older). We have taught him how to fake eye contact for when he is told to look at someone but doesn't want to look them directly in the eye. He is quite comfortable with eye contact when it involves family members and very familiar people. There is no bullying happening, but we have taught him exactly what to do and say if anything does happen. We will continue to adapt this as he gets older. His speech is very advanced for his age, and he has very strong preferences for certain words and certain pronounciations. No one other than the pediatrician has ever identified him as AS, they just think he is highly intelligent and odd. At school, he has become an expert at mimicking NT behaviours so that he fits in well enough. However, out of school he behaves very AS, particularly when he is at my place, or at his own home - because he knows he can relax and be himself.

One thing that he has not been able to control, sounds a lot like your daughter - when excited, he tenses his arms, and repeatedly clenches and unclenches his fists, while grimacing at the same time. When he was younger, he used to bite his clenched fist as hard as he could, but we were able to gradually get him to stop doing that. What we do now, is remind him to take a deep slow breath. As soon as he does, his body relaxes.

So, as for being set up for social failure - the simple answer is not necessarily. I believe that most NT social skills can be taught and learnt. My own social skills are pretty good when I have to use them, or want to use them. There is a lot you can do as a parent to help in this regard. I was bullied in school, but if someone had taught me what to do at the time, I believe I could have stopped it right from the start. It isn't necessarily people who are just different who get abused - it is people who are vulnerable.

She sounds like she is HFA, and it isn't a "High functioning AS", it is just that the deficits tend to be different. They may be better socially.

Ouch, that hurt a bit.

I don't think I'm a social failure. I am busy watching all the video's posted in one discussion by people on this forum, and I see beautiful people that have pure hearts, gentle souls and brilliant minds. I don't see social failure.

Your kid is going to be awesome. Acknowledge your fear, embrace it and then make peace with it, because the good things she will bring to you and the world will overshadow all the things that superficial society may have a problem with.