Wrong city or country = no GF or BF

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Rotter
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14 Oct 2022, 4:46 pm

I'm posting this tip because I think it could be quite helpful for some people. I don't know whether this tip is already well-known or hardly known.

One time, I lived in a city where it seemed to be impossibly difficult to get a girlfriend, even though it was a large city. Then I moved to a different city (roughly the same size as the previous city), and suddenly I had a choice of girlfriends. Later, I moved to a different country, and suddenly I had more than enough choice. The sex was incredible with unlimited opportunities everywhere I looked.

The part about unlimited sexual opportunities is not true :-) However the rest of it is true.

The point is, apparently an autistic or ND person may find some cities or countries to be far more difficult than some others.

Sometimes misogyny and misandry may also be caused by having never experienced the people in a different city or country.

Beware of the trap: This tip shouldn't be abused as an excuse to ignore your own problems and do nothing to improve yourself. Any person who is not in need of self-improvement is a fictional character in a movie or novel.

Beware of the second trap: This tip shouldn't be abused as wishful dream. Although a different city or country might well suit you better than your current one, you'll end up disappointed if you set your expectations too high. Every city and country on the entire face of the planet has serious problems. Realistically, you may well find a better place to live, and a relationship partner, but you won't find any utopia anywhere on Earth.



Mona Pereth
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14 Oct 2022, 5:01 pm

Which specific cities and/or countries do you recommend, at least for men?

Which specific cities are among the worst, in your experience?


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Mountain Goat
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14 Oct 2022, 6:11 pm

It is a bit like the biblical saying "A prophet is never welcome in their home town".
It may be because one is too well known and other towns one may be seen as fresh, new and different, especially if one has a different accent to go with it as different places have different localized accents?



Rotter
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14 Oct 2022, 6:25 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Which specific cities and/or countries do you recommend

The answer is different for different people with different personalities and preferences. For example, your message mentions NYC, and I remember multiple comments about NYC from different people, and roughly half said NYC is good for meeting people, and the other half said NYC is bad for meeting people. Although these people say the opposite of each other, I believe they're all correct because each of them is saying what is true about NYC for himself/herself personally.

If I'm asked to make a location recommendation for only autistic people and no other types of people, then this might or might not be possible to do, but in any event, the necessary statistics are missing, and nobody is willing to fund a study to collect statistics about which cities and countries produce the highest rates of success for autistic people.

I suggest looking for a "no lose" location to try. A "no lose" location is one where even if you discover that it's the wrong place for finding a relationship partner, you won't have lost anything because it's overall better than your previous location, so you still end up making a gain in one way or the other.

And then, to improve your chances further, search for a relationship partner in the chosen cities or country BEFORE you move there. Some people will reply to you, "I would be interested in you except I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship, and I'm especially not interested in anybody who keeps saying 'I'll move there soon', but never actually does it."

Then ideally you're already prepared in advance, and you're able to honestly reply, "I think the same as you. I'm actually already willing and able to move there within the next 3-4 months."



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14 Oct 2022, 6:45 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
"A prophet is never welcome in their home town".

Yes it could be a home town problem, but I don't have the statistics to know whether or not this is the correct explanation. The failure in a particular town might be because it's one's home town like you said, or it might be because that town is always a bad town for dating purposes for most autistic or ND people.

Mountain Goat wrote:
other towns one may be seen as fresh, new and different, especially if one has a different accent to go with it as different places have different localized accents?

Yes, and especially if the relationship partner in the new city or country is unhappy with his/her attempts to make a relationship with the local people there, meaning he/she has the same problem as you, thus he/she is especially interested in trying to improve his/her chances by trying an outsider who moves to join him/her there.

This option may be especially attractive for the person who doesn't move (the person you meet), because it's like he/she receives the benefit of moving without the hassle of actually moving, because you come to him/her. Provided you really do move there within a short enough time.



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14 Oct 2022, 7:24 pm

There are also other factors at play. Some towns just may have an excess of women so as a man ones chances have improved.



Rotter
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14 Oct 2022, 9:39 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
There are also other factors at play. Some towns just may have an excess of women so as a man ones chances have improved.

I agree, it's worthwhile trying out a different town, especially if self-improvement/learning hasn't worked for some people.



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15 Oct 2022, 4:58 am

Rotter wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Which specific cities and/or countries do you recommend

The answer is different for different people with different personalities and preferences. For example, your message mentions NYC, and I remember multiple comments about NYC from different people, and roughly half said NYC is good for meeting people, and the other half said NYC is bad for meeting people. Although these people say the opposite of each other, I believe they're all correct because each of them is saying what is true about NYC for himself/herself personally.

To my understanding NYC is great for men and lousy for women. The worst for men is Silicon Valley e.g. San José or Sunnyvale.


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15 Oct 2022, 5:03 am

MaxE wrote:
Rotter wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
Which specific cities and/or countries do you recommend

The answer is different for different people with different personalities and preferences. For example, your message mentions NYC, and I remember multiple comments about NYC from different people, and roughly half said NYC is good for meeting people, and the other half said NYC is bad for meeting people. Although these people say the opposite of each other, I believe they're all correct because each of them is saying what is true about NYC for himself/herself personally.

To my understanding NYC is great for men and lousy for women. The worst for men is Silicon Valley e.g. San José or Sunnyvale.


It is a similar with employment as if a woman has a job in a predominantly male orientated workforce type of job she has more choice and the same goes for men who end up in a predominantly female form of employment where the man has more choice.



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15 Oct 2022, 8:06 am

MaxE wrote:
To my understanding NYC is great for men and lousy for women. The worst for men is Silicon Valley e.g. San José or Sunnyvale.

This makes sense if you mean men who work in a technical job in Silicon Valley. For men in other jobs in Silicon Valley, Silicon Valley might actually improve their chances of finding a relationship partner (in comparison to their previous city), thus the best location is different for different people, depending on their circumstances, job, personality, preferences, etc.



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15 Oct 2022, 11:33 pm

There are quite a few people here in international/interracial/cross-cultural relationships (I'm one of them). It seems to occasionally work better than with someone from your local community, perhaps because there's a higher tolerance for social deviation.

I've been approached neither less nor more than I was back home (i.e. near zero) since I moved abroad.



Muse933277
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17 Oct 2022, 10:48 am

In some cases, I actually believe that this can be the case. Sometimes it's not you, it's simply the environment you're in which isn't necessarily a good fit based on your age, personality, values, interests, and even your skin color.

For example, if you're a gay black man that's vegetarian, you'd probably have a difficult time trying to date in a small town in America that's 95% white republican and most of the residents like to hunt and fish. But that same gay black man would probably be better off in LA California, where he has the potential to meet more people like him.



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20 Oct 2022, 2:28 am

Which is the good side of NYC? It's the East Side, isn't it. I've never been West of 5th Avenue.


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MaxE
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20 Oct 2022, 4:43 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Which is the good side of NYC? It's the East Side, isn't it. I've never been West of 5th Avenue.

In Manhattan, there is quite frankly no "bad area" South of Harlem. Some White people avoid Harlem. Of the other 4 boroughs, only The Bronx is considered sketchy. I suppose some parts of Bedford-Stuyvesant (in Brooklyn) belong in that category. If you're Black then there are, I suppose, some White areas you might choose to avoid.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Oct 2022, 4:49 am

It’s much more complicated than the above.

For example, in Upper Manhattan north of Harlem, the west side is considered much safer than the east side.



MaxE
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20 Oct 2022, 4:58 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
It’s much more complicated than the above.

For example, in Upper Manhattan north of Harlem, the west side is considered much safer than the east side.

I expected you to be the next commenter, not much of a surprise. I was trying to avoid such detail, for example Hudson Heights and Inwood are in Manhattan and North of Harlem, but didn't seem important to somebody who lives in Australia. Then you have oddball places like City Island. I thought to mention that Harlem and Bed-Stuy, etc., have "better" areas and "worse" areas -- you're right about that.


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