Is being consistent petty? Explained in thread...

Page 1 of 1 [ 2 posts ] 

Entity852
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 13 Nov 2022
Gender: Male
Posts: 9

14 Nov 2022, 10:36 pm

I've recently stopped using social media but an interesting pattern always took place that gave me a good laugh. It honestly probably happens to most people but I am highlighting it for the topic of conversation.

You'll see someone in person and they go "Woah man! Its been a long time! How've you been?". We exchange the necessary pleasantries and often times get into the generic discussions of "We should meet up sometime! You're still in the area, right?". Actually, they even divulge personal information as if to say - Look, we're still close and it feels like just yesterday that we were doing X together.

The issue is that when you follow up, maybe not even to hang out but to sustain connection, you're ignored.

I've had it happen from time to time. To clarify - These people approached ME. Nothing wrong with it, but it is confusing. You'll send them a message the following day / week and absolutely no response. Literally a message as simple as telling them it was nice to see them, and not locking them into future plans.

Is it petty to act like you don't even know the person the next time around? Is that just a way of making unneeded enemies and splitting social hairs (If that's a thing)?

My viewpoint is based around the superfluous song and dance of acting as though we have never lost connection or that they're just one phone call away. If you don't want to hang out with me, fine. It's probably mutual! But for the love of god save us both the time.

Curious to hear your thoughts on this.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,249
Location: New York City (Queens)

15 Nov 2022, 7:34 am

Entity852 wrote:
I've recently stopped using social media but an interesting pattern always took place that gave me a good laugh. It honestly probably happens to most people but I am highlighting it for the topic of conversation.

You'll see someone in person and they go "Woah man! Its been a long time! How've you been?". We exchange the necessary pleasantries and often times get into the generic discussions of "We should meet up sometime! You're still in the area, right?". Actually, they even divulge personal information as if to say - Look, we're still close and it feels like just yesterday that we were doing X together.

The issue is that when you follow up, maybe not even to hang out but to sustain connection, you're ignored.

I've had it happen from time to time. To clarify - These people approached ME. Nothing wrong with it, but it is confusing. You'll send them a message the following day / week and absolutely no response. Literally a message as simple as telling them it was nice to see them, and not locking them into future plans.

They could just be busy.

If you send someone just a simple "it was nice to see you" note without asking the person any questions and without saying anything else indicating that you want a response, they might just be overwhelmed with too many other messages from people who do require a response. So, I wouldn't take non-response to such a message personally, at all.

If your aim is just to sustain a connection without making plans, I would suggest sharing info about common interests. For example, sending the person occasional links to news stories on topics that you know will interest them.

But, to sustain a friendship, you do need to make plans, at least occasionally. Luckily, in today's world, the plans don't need to be in-person. For example, you could invite someone to participate in occasional chats on a Discord server on some topic of common interest.

Entity852 wrote:
Is it petty to act like you don't even know the person the next time around? Is that just a way of making unneeded enemies and splitting social hairs (If that's a thing)?

In my opinion, yes. I take it as a given that not every private message I send to someone merits a response from them, nor does every message someone (even a close friend) sends to me require a response from me. And, even if a response is required or strongly indicated, the response might not be immediate, because most people do have many other things they need to do.

Entity852 wrote:
My viewpoint is based around the superfluous song and dance of acting as though we have never lost connection or that they're just one phone call away. If you don't want to hang out with me, fine. It's probably mutual! But for the love of god save us both the time.

This sounds to me like a very binary yes/no approach to friendship. If you haven't seen someone in a long time, then you can't really be close. It may still be possible and worthwhile to rekindle the friendship, but doing so can't rely on the assumption that the other person should already make you one of their top priorities.

If you want to maintain connection with someone, I would suggest inviting them to some activity (in-person or online) that you know would be of interest to the person in its own right, not just as a way to get together with you. The more an activity is worthwhile to the other person in its own right, the greater the likelihood that the person will accept the invitation.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)