How I would describe my own mental illness

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I suffer from both Autism and Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with psychotic episodes.

I get delusional and paranoid thoughts to the point where I will believe some truly bizarre things like that time I thought my sister's boyfriend was hiding cameras in my bedroom and I tore a phone cord out the wall thinking it was connected to these "hidden cameras".

I hear my mom's voice calling out to me even when she's not around.

Ive attempted to run away from home several times and would get rescued by police or strangers who brought me to mental hospitals.

I also attempted suicide three times by overdosing on my bipolar medication

And you know what the absolutely worst part about this is? I have gotten physically violent in the past with my family that I love very much. I once bit my brother on the arm, threw a cup of water in my sister's face, and I jumped on my mom and hit her.

My "mental illness" at times feel like something pure evil living inside my heart that is only held back with medication. My biggest fear is ever losing my medicine and having to deal with this demon inside me all over again.

I really hate myself because this evil inside me. It just makes me feel like i deserve death at times sometimes just so I never risk being a danger to anyone anymore.

I hate what I am.

If being on this forum sometimes makes you paranoid, you should take a break for a few days to get your thinking straight.

I was doing so good i thought...

I wasn't trying to imply anything, maybe you are doing good. Someone who knows you really well would be the best person to gauge this.

Meh, it makes no difference. My mental illness makes me an easy target for TROLLS who get a kick out of trying to get me to overreact on the internet.

f**k people.

Trolls are best left hungry.

I guess I gotta quit letting certain people get my goat...

Ironically wasnt there a children's fable about 3 goats trying to cross a bridge that had a hungry troll living under it? Seems like a perfect metaphor

Stop playing the victim and work on bettering yourself, you are responsible for your actions. Learn to curb your knee-jerk reactions. If a post triggers you, step away from the internet, self soothe and come back stronger with constructive criticism. No one here is your enemy. I saw a relevant signature earlier, it read "Disagreeing with you doesn't mean I hate you, it just means we disagree."

I think I'd rather just look forward to the day humans blow themselves up.

I think a lot of people feel the way you do in regards to mental illness being an "evil within" that only medication can restrain.

I hope you feel better soon, DFK.

Thank you. I think what triggered me was drinking way too much caffeinated soda over Thanksgiving. I think maybe it does effect my medication and I was close to having another mental breakdown.


I gotta lay off that stuff.

On this site...compared to your previous incarnation...you ARE "doing quite well". Seriously. Conversing well, without falling into booby traps of overemotionalism like the previous you would.

About your offline real life: just keep up with your meds.

But also it probably doesnt hurt to be physically active. A couple of guys I know who are 'consumers of the mental health system' both liked working unskilled house construction (digging ditches and the like) and having muscles in some pain all of the time because the muscular exertion keeps you focused upon the external, and away from internal 'demons' (your term, not theirs, but prolly the same idea). Dont have to land a job in construction but maybe do some kind exercise regimen.

Naturalplastic... im not trying to be overly dramatic. But i know i said very cruel and nasty things to you that one time and I really am sorry for it.


And I think you'de right, laying off junk food and getting active would definetly help me.

I have a garden i have been seriously neglecting too.

Caffeine can increase anxiety since it a stimulant, so that is a reasonable guess at what may have caused your spiral of mental activity/mental health.