What not to say to a literal thinker

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My parents are on Long Beach Island right now, and I'm leaving soon to join them for a few days. My mom was telling me over the phone what to bring: "All you need to bring are two beach towels and a bathing suit." So that's what I packed. Now, I realized that my mom probably wasn't thinking about cameras or anything like that, so I knew to pack any electronics I wanted to bring. Going through the list in my mind, it suddenly occurred to me, "Won't I need clothes for two days?" But if I had to bring clothes, why had my mom said "all you need to bring is a suit and towel"? I wondered if somehow my parents had already packed some of my clothes and brought them with them. I called my mom to make sure, and she laughed and said, "Of course you need to bring clothes!" She couldn't believed that I hadn't realized that immediately. Boy, that could be an example right out of a book on NLD in a chapter entitled "Why you need to be specific." I was so lucky I didn't walk out the door without a change of clothes- if I'd just listened to my mom, I would have.
Note that I'm perfectly able to pack on my own, and I've done plenty of independent traveling, but when my mom tells me "all you need to pack is...", I listen. Wouldn't you guys have interpreted that the same way?

I probably would have interpreted your mom the same way, and thought it strange that I didn't need clothes.

Right?! Now if she'd phrased it as, "Don't forget to bring a towel and swimsuit," I would have been fine. It's like in Alice in Wonderland, when someone (the Mad Hatter or the March Hare maybe) was admonishing Alice to "say what you mean and mean what you say."

I'd think that my mother had already packed my clothes and took a bag containing them with her. It's because she imagines that I can't do anything properly and it's she who is able to pack all my things I'd need. Every time I was at a summer camp (when I was 14, 15, 16 and 17 year old) it's mom who chose which clothes I should take and I could only propose something but not pack my bag on myself.

I agree with LostInSpace and would have been confused also - well done for thinking it through and checking!
Annoying that in these cases they always make it seem you are the daft one when it is they who said something daft...

I guess I'm a "skeptical" literal thinker. I would have interpreted it literally... but then I would have thought, "she's being daft, I know I'm going to need..." and put in a bunch more stuff. Probably even stuff I'd never use. I'm always of the "better safe than sorry" school of thought.

And even then... I ALWAYS leave something behind that I should have taken. Drives me crazy.

I would have interpreted her correctly, which is exactly what you did.

Learning to be skeptical like JonnyBGoode is hugely valuable for us. We know what people are saying (because we apparently understand the language better than they do), but we need to learn that they often don't, so they often make claims they themselves haven't bothered to take the time to understand.

So, good for you both for interpreting you mother's remarks correctly and for taking the initiative to find out exactly what you mean. But it's still irritating that you have to question your own mother's instructions because they're insufficiently precise.

My ex would do that to me all the time. Say "you only need this..." "or do this..." and then afterward say, "but you knew you'd also need X, Y and Z..." and I'd say "but you told me I would only need..." or "...to only do..." She was as thick in her NT-ness as I was in my Aspieness.

My wife did something similar to me the other day. I was about to settle into the den with my computers when she asked if she could check her email first. She said, "I just want to check my email and then you can be in here for hours."

But she wasn't actually telling me I was allowed to spend hours hidden in the den with my computers. There were chores she wanted done. Her remark was only intended to express her limited need of the room; she was trying to tell me that the room would available for hours because she wouldn't need it, not that I could ensconce myself in it for hours.

Within an hour she complained that I wasn't doing those chores. I berated her for her lack of precision.

Hnmn

I know exactly what you mean about the towels. I can function quite well on my own, but the minute someone tells me what to do the old brain gets switched off. It's like all rational thought is lost and the person telling me what to do is taken very literally. I don't know if it is an aspie thing, or not, but sometimes it's as if I don't want to tax my brain by actually having to think about what I"m doing. Maybe it's the ADD?

Last edited by bobert on 13 Aug 2007, 10:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

oops!

Yeah, right! My mom told me last night, before going to bed: "I have the money to pay back that loan finally, please go to the post office.", and I was like "What?! Right now at 22?!", then she said, "No, tomorrow morning." But then I went to sleep and completely forgot about it (if I don't complete a task immediately, I often forget the whole thing), so she told me again to go to the post office after I calmly turned on the computer and had breakfast (yeah, in that order). So I went down and paid the check, and got yelled at for being "reluctant" to do chores... *sigh*...
I suppose it will get better when I can talk to my friend, who's a psychologist, and I can finally show the official dx to mom. That'd explain some things to her...

Agreed.

In my case never tell me "just put something on". Had a bad experience with that one.



that one is usually accompanied by the common sense speech, this tipe of stuff.

That is very right!

I´d take it to the word , but might think if there´d be something else I´d want to have with me.
I would be puzzled if then told I should have brought a change of clothes.
Partly because thinking they might have packed it already , and they could if they count on me being there, and partly because I would take it as an " Take it easy and take as few thing as possible so you(and we) can relax. "

And I don´t thing anyone should say " you should only... , or you need only..." when they don´t realy mean it.
"You just shouldn´t forget ..." would be better
or a just don´t forget or do this and that , it´s not realy much more complicated to say , and there might be a time they realy mean the "only" part , how are you supposed to tell if they say so all the time ?