I hate having to live as male

Post Reply New Topic

I'm just gonna come out and say it, I don't see what anyone likes about living as male unless you either don't think about it too much, or too hard or it's the gender you want to transition to. I hate being this big and tall, and I hate having this much body hair and facial hair, I hate the way I look and the way that I sound because it just makes my parents, my grandma and pretty much anyone I ever come across on the street or in our neighborhood put me in this masculine box by default. And I hate this masculine box because I don't like being expected to be so big, strong, tough, boisterous, dominant, aggressive, assertive, violent, or whatever, or even just pretending like I am, because I just feel small, scared, vulnerable sensitive and highly emotional. I don't wanna have to deal with this stupid pressure to be a protector or provider, or pursuer, or initiator, or whatever, I just want to be loved and protected. I don't like it when people assume being male means you're mindlessly violent, or mindlessly sexual, or mentally, emotionally, or socially stupid by default, I don't like it and it all makes me really sad because I wish being born male wouldn't be a mark against me that made me feel inferior for not being born female. I can't even seriously come out with my love of cross-dressing, either, because everyone will just assume it's either for laughs or like it's a sexual kink, and I don't know if anyone else but my big sister who's also gender questioning could really get that I'm into cross-dressing because it makes me happy and feel freer by escaping the male box and feeling like, at least superficially, I can switch between gender expressions, anytime I want. And I hate that I probably can't even come out publicly with my bi/pan sexuality, just because when you're born male there's always huge stigma against just even having the capacity to love people of the same gender as you, even if you can love anyone of any gender, including the opposite stigma, too. I just hate this stigma with being at all gay that seemingly comes with being born male, even with being bi, too, since it seems like it's just so widespread in my family, like, once again, my big sister is really the only person who understands, so at least I don't have to put up with any of the homophobic and biphobic bullcrap from her that I do from my parents and grandma. Idk, why is there all this stupid stigma that seems to come with being born male? I mean, as much as I think about being either genderfluid or bigender, I also wonder if I'm actually a trans woman, but either way Idk if I'll ever be able to come out with a different gender identity, either way, just because my grandma and mom are both TERFs, and all TERFs just seem to hate anyone who was born male and be fundamentally suspicious and distrustful of all of us even if we tried our hardest to be good feminist allies like me and like, Idefk, anymore, it all just makes me feel so discouraged and like I wanna curl up and f*****g die, or something like that. It's like, it doesn't matter how hard you try to be a good ally to women, even if you actually might be a woman yourself, at least to some extent, being born male just seems like this big black checkmark that makes you this big, evil benficiary of the patriarchy, but I don't wanna be evil, I don't wanna be bad, I just wanna be loved and accepted, and never, ever looked down on for anything at all, ever...

Do you speak to a therapist?

Has anyone told you that its OK to be exactly who you are? Because it really is. It sounds like you've been raised around a lot of toxic ideas about gender and masculinity. Its OK to Cross dress, its OK to like "girly" stuff. Its OK to like "guy" stuff too.

Please don't let other people's ignorance and fear (that's where hate comes from) make you miserable.

Today I had to go to the bank and get some help.

The person who helped me was tall and broad and gentle and smiley and had a beard and a ponytail with a puffy bow and pretty green fingernails with pink and yellow flowers on them and rainbow chains of paperclips decorating their desk, and they made me feel relaxed and happy and not stupid for needing help.

Be you.

It sounds like your mom and grandma have done a real number on you and made you self-hating.

Do you live with your mom?


If I were you I'd make some friends who were intelligent and civilised. You seem to have been given the impression that men have to be mindlessly violent and uncivilized.

Don't be evil, do your best to improve what you can and be yourself.

There's a man in the town near me who I see every time I go there. He must be in his 70s. He has a white beard and usually wears a blazer. Then in his lower half he'll have a skirt, sometimes short sometimes long and usually high heels.

He's awesome.

You can be exactly what you want. How much grief you're going to get for it will vary depending on where you go, but goodness doesn't being awesome in the face of adversity sound like more fun than hating yourself and changing yourself to suit someone else's idea of what a man or woman is?

Women have much better hair gizmos aimed at them than men. All the hair gizmos I use have been bought in the women's section. I have several Alice Bands and plenty of other hair fastening gizmos , one with faux pearls ( don't know what's it called)

My son's hair is almost as long as mine. He uses my gizmos and his partner's. ^

I agree there's not much selection otherwise.

Be yourself, it’s who you have to live with and spend all your time with.
Make yourself happy.

One of my family members is trans non-binary and lives the life you want. They have the advantage of a family of allies who love them. I don't know your situation. It could be that they don't understand but could get there over time. It could be that there are elements who pose a danger.
I'd suggest going ahead with it. Just transform your life. Be prepared to answer questions. Time will reveal to your family that it's not a fad.
Unless there's danger involved. That would have to be resolved first.
The next ten years will happen no matter what. You could have ten years in a dress, or ten years in 'men's' clothes. It's your time. Live them in joy. Let others suffer their own limitations.

Just a suggestion. Does not constitute professional advice.

That touches on toxic masculinity. The difference between being a "real man" (gag, choke, sputter) and being a "good man" (who one is) relative to current gender roles (social constructs). I get that it goes way beyond that for you. Hugs.

My (cis) husband and I have reversed gender "markers" and roles in many ways given current American Euro-based standards. He is fairly hairless (tropic male) and I am very hairy (northern Norwegian-heritage? female). I get regular cultural criticism for sure. Yuck. My son is highly sensitive and emotional like me. His tears will not be tolerated (not "manly"), while my anger is not tolerated (not "womanly"). Gender norms and expectations suck!! !! ! Toxic, toxic.

It was recently National Transgender Day and my workplace featured a female employee who had transitioned from being male. As she said: mostly Pros and some Cons. For the most part her being now matched culture expectations (similar to your sentiment), e.g. she could be sensitive with more social acceptance, but now she feared for her safety more when walking to her car late at night --even though she was just as strong (or not) as before- but she now appears differently (female) and her strength is judged accordingly (until tested). Ironically she wasn't strong enough as a man, but now she is too strong for a woman. We just can't win relative to our current social constructs. My husband's native culture had five gender roles. It probably was a touch better about relating to individuals on a spectrum of being.

I don't like girly things and I'm a girl. I consider myself being very 'daring' if I wear flowers on a shirt. I much prefer getting filthy and doing manual labor in my yard. I wear my hair long, not because it's considered feminine, but because I don't like to style it. I comb it through twice/week when I wash it, then I run my fingers through it the rest of the time and slick it back out of my face.

I am clean, but I am by no means impeccably groomed. I don't feel like anything. I don't understand people who feel like a girl or a boy. I just feel like a being. Everything I choose to wear is comfort based.