Made my friends angry

Post Reply New Topic

So I was at lunch today and sat down to show them with excitement my new fidget toy. I interrupted their discussion over one of the friend's, Robin's, brain surgery, because I had already stated the day before that I didn't really care about it because he was going to be fine thanks to a very good doctor and the fact that my status quo was not going to change. First and foremost, he and I interrupt each other frequently, not maliciously, much to both of our annoyances, and this friend group of 3 is all very neurodiverse

This started a discussion that his brain surgery was objectively more important than whatever I had to say, which is usually video games, and I disagreed, saying that all conversational topics were of equal importance, and he had no right to shut me down, that if he didn't want me to speak, then he should never have invited me to the table those many months ago. Everyone (him, our a third friend Jules, and I to a degree) got angry, and he said he was done talking to me. I asked till when, and he said he didn't know, probably only for the day. I do not understand, because if one knows when they are going to not be angry, they should not be angry at the moment. I proposed a reconciliation with a formal deal for no more interruptions, but Robin refused and wouldn't give me a reason why. I detailed it as him acknowledging that there was a problem and refusing the solution to fix the problem, but he still wouldn't tell me.

I still don't really understand what I did wrong
Are not all topics in a conversation equal? regardless of personal importance. And no one gave me a rulebook for conversation, so I assumed interruption was okay since Robin did it to me all the time and it really frustrated me but he didn't care. Why did he ignore my solution? Should I stop being friends with them?

I do not understand even other neurodiverse individuals. I am more isolated than I thought. I feel like never having friends again and retreating into myself forever.

What do I do? How should I feel?

Is this for real? This reads like some sort of copypasta post.

Uh, yes. Why would I post a copypasta? How does it even read like one?! How is there any indication that this is a joke? Does it say "SATIRE"? does it say "joke"? I do not think it does. I'm being completely serious and I'm asking for help on handling a social situation.

I don't want this to be buried..I actually need help here

I'd say they're right, video games are trivial compared to buddy's upcoming surgery.

I think the 'well, if you don't want me to talk why did you ever include me?' line is needlessly passive-aggressive (and seems typical of RSD or borderline, I'm not judging you for having acted that way, just suggesting it shouldn't be repeated).

You basically told them if you don't like me being rude, don't be my friend.

I think the combination of interrupting the more serious discussion combined with dismissing their concerns and then attacking the friendship might mean it'll take awhile before they're willing to consider reconciliation.

I'm most certainly not RSD or borderline. How is it 'needlessly' passive-aggressive? how is it passive-aggressive at all? I don't understand how I was 'more' rude than them for interrupting me. What counts as trivial? what counts as serious? the answer will be 'that depends on the person.' How come my SI gets to be shut down? I don't have anyone to talk about it with. And why is their surgery such an issue of concern if there ARE no concerns to speak of?! I do not understand why what I did was wrong when they do the same thing and it's not wrong when they do it. Why am I trivial and they aren't?

I'm not really sure what to say if you're unable to see how someone who's about to undergo surgery's concerns are a higher priority than Frogger. (don't clarify what game it was, it does not matter)

Invasive medical procedures will always be a bigger deal than Frogger. But why? Because forms of amusement will always be less important than legitimate anxieties over an upcoming, invasive medical procedure.

It's needlessly passive-aggressive because them not wanting you to interrupt a more important conversation doesn't mean they don't wish to ever speak to you again, although your reaction might have helped convince them that there's no hope of reconciliation.

Who would want to reconcile with someone who refuses to acknowledge they were wrong?

It doesn't matter if video games are your SI, that's not an excuse for interrupting a serious conversation and then becoming insolent when they call you out for it.

If you desire a reconciliation you'll need to acknowledge your actions were out of line. Becoming offended that others can see your actions were unreasonable won't alter that they were unreasonable. Being defensive when you don't like the explanation that you asked for won't make your earlier actions any less rude but it might lead to fewer people wishing to offer their insight and assistance.

The reason why you were asked if this was for real is because it's obvious who was the problem in that interaction.

What don't you understand? It seems quite obvious what you did wrong.

If you were worried about surgery and having a conversation about your concerns and I interrupted you to talk about NASCAR you'd find it rude.

Replace me with you and replace NASCAR with video games, that's the rude action.

I know that personally it would be taken as rude, but the topic is irrelevant to me. Besides which, I at least know that saying "I'm sorry you felt your topic was more important than mine" would not be taken well. I'm operating on the rules of conversation, under which no topic trumps another. Is that wrong??? To whoever is in a conversation, both participants are speaking with the understanding that what they are saying is of equal personal importance. I don't understand what I should apologize for, since they also interrupt me without apologizing during a myriad of different topics. I understand why they would feel bad, I just don't understand why that's my fault, because I also feel bad when they do the same thing, and it's clearly not their fault, right? I understand why it would be subjectively wrong what I did, but they do the same thing without apologizing. Should I ask for a mutual apology??? I'm not offended, I just simply don't understand, the situation and the explanation.

It's a common courtesy to put one's personal interests aside for a moment when a group is discussing something else. I think your friend may have wanted your support on their upcoming surgery. You could have spoken about your interest afterwards.

But you say that your friends interrupt you without apologising or even acknowledging that they did something wrong, so I think that's why you're feeling angry. It's kind of like a double standard. I hate double standards too. Also your friends are non-NTs too, so maybe they lack some sort of social intuition or are socially awkward (most ND people, even if they're not autistic, are socially awkward in some way).

It's definitely reasonable to point out that they were breaking with their standard norms on that day and to consider that a contributor.

That said, usually when I'm in a position where I owe an apology I don't strive to get a mutual one and I try to be careful that it doesn't sound conditional. Even if lots of elements were in play and you don't entirely feel it's your fault, sometimes stepping up to take responsibility forces others to concede how they contributed.

Even that doesn't occur, it helps make any discussions after that point seem less like a deflection or attempt to shift blame. It's hard to reasonably accuse someone of shifting blame when they've already conceded they bear responsibility. That makes it a better position to comment on additional contributing factors from.

I'd probably apologize without any sort of reservation, but maybe mention that you didn't understand why that day was different when everyone regularly talks over and interrupts each other. That might spur some discussion on 'maybe our usual dynamic is a bit rude and can be improved' so the overall outcome is positive.

I'm sorry I didn't understand the gravity of the conversation when I interrupted. We all interrupt each other so often I didn't understand how poorly it would appear to you guys. I got angry because I failed to understand why it was different this time. or something along those lines is how I would word things.

That way you're taking responsibility for your actions while also pointing out how those actions are usually acceptable within the group. It doesn't shift blame but it does help them with understanding how it happened because it sounds like it could just have easily been one of them.

Did he? I didn't notice a desire for approval or something. And I had nothing else to say on the topic; I explicitly said to him that I didn't care about it because I was just happy that there would be no problems and that the status quo wouldn't change. I was aware that it was straightforward and maybe a bit harsh, but I had no reason to lie. Also, he never stops talking about whatever he's talking about. There's really no place to put what I want to say in. When I try to raise my hand or otherwise indicate that I want to speak, I'm met with exasperation.

I think you are correct. If it were only me, I think I would admit that I was 100% in the wrong and it was my fault, but since it is not only me, my logic processors are going haywire.

Last edited by Readydaer on 02 May 2023, 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I understand it better now. I will try to use that script. Thanks

This is deeply relatable. The fact that I've learned to override that part of my brain in these instances doesn't mean it isn't there.

I've had to apologize plenty in situations that I didn't feel were entirely my fault. I've learned a bit from those experiences, mostly from making mistakes and watching the consequences unfold.



You're welcome, I'm glad I could offer something of use.

Alright I'll take you at your word but this whole thing sounded to me so over the top "stereotypical autistic" that I assumed it was.

1. Conversations are never about topics. They are about people.

2. You interrupted a convo and tried to change topics to something you wanted to talk about. Conversations are mostly about listening and become more about listening as the number of people involved goes up. Its not about the topic - its about people and having the people around you feeling validated.

3. Any medical issue that requires surgery carries a risk of death. No one likes surgery or being put under.

Yes, I think they saw you as rude at best. Asking for a mutual apology would be making it much worse.

i guess i'm an over-the-top stereotypical autistic then