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RacoKula
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17 Jun 2023, 3:35 pm

I've recently started dating a really nice guy. We've been getting along really well and he explained that he's demisexual. I know thats similar to ace but more emotion-based attraction, but as someone who's more active I'm not sure what that means for us. I don't want to pressure or push him into anything so I suppose I just need to wait for him to get to a "safe" point, right? Anything else I should keep in mind?



MaxE
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18 Jun 2023, 11:38 am

Demisexual can mean a couple of things. One definition is that the person can only feel sexual attraction to somebody for whom they have strong feelings in other ways. Ironically might be considered the ideal given that our society frowns on sexual engagement with anyone for whom we DON'T have such feelings.
The other definition is that the person isn't ace but they have some sort, what in my day would be called a "hang-up" about sex, that they must overcome before having sex with somebody. In that case, it helps if there's some sort of emotional bond with a prospective sex partner because that might help the partner get them past the hang-up as well as being more patient about it.

Well he could actually be ace but unwilling to admit it. Let's assume otherwise.

Since you're asking this question and are (I will assume) a cisgender female heterosexual on the spectrum, that you're basically ready to get naked with this guy in other words you're his for the taking if he would only give the word. Suppose then that he is in the first category I identified. Well that could be a problem as it implies his feelings for you aren't strong enough for him to develop a physical desire for you. In that case you probably need a frank talk about those feelings. Unfortunately there's probably not much you can do to change how he feels although he does seem to be a good friend.

Supposing the second category, a frank discussion should remain on the agenda however it should be more explicit. Let him know you're ready for full physical contact and then talk about that. Explain that it's frustrating to you to be denied that. Explicit talk may stimulate his subconscious to the degree that physical arousal becomes possible.

One other suggestion is, if you choose to have a frank discussion about sex (he's an adult and should be open to such a discussion especially with a woman who has genuine feelings for him) then I recommend you not emphasize penetrative sex because a man can feel intimidated if given the impression he'll be expected to "perform". Well I guess keeping him within his comfort zone might be the best way to move forward.


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18 Jun 2023, 11:49 am

I’m demisexual. I don’t feel sexual feelings towards a person until I’ve gotten to know them really well and have romantic feelings/am in love with them.

If his experience is similar to mine, it’s not really a problem, and there’s not much you need to know or worry about. There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow and getting to know each other first unless that doesn’t work for you.



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18 Jun 2023, 11:54 am

Under no circumstances should you do this:

Quote:
Let him know you're ready for full physical contact and then talk about that. Explain that it's frustrating to you to be denied that. Explicit talk may stimulate his subconscious to the degree that physical arousal becomes possible.

People should be free to move at the pace that feels right to them. If it’s a problem, the relationship is not viable.



Last edited by 141414 on 18 Jun 2023, 11:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

MaxE
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18 Jun 2023, 11:58 am

141414 wrote:
Under no circumstances should you do this:

Quote:
Let him know you're ready for full physical contact and then talk about that. Explain that it's frustrating to you to be denied that. Explicit talk may stimulate his subconscious to the degree that physical arousal becomes possible.

People should be free to move at the pace that feels right to them.

Wrong.


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18 Jun 2023, 12:02 pm

No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.



The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Jun 2023, 2:20 pm

Date two demi-sexual and you get a full-sexual experience.



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18 Jun 2023, 3:01 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Date two demi-sexual and you get a full-sexual experience.

Dating is multiplicative not additive.

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4 not 1.


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MaxE
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18 Jun 2023, 3:03 pm

141414 wrote:
No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.

Well she can take my advice or yours. Whichever works best for her.

EDIT yes any sort of sexual coërcion is unacceptable. Nobody needs to be told that. That's not what I had in mind, that's just how you read it. If the sexual aspect of the relationship is untenable then so be it.


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Last edited by MaxE on 18 Jun 2023, 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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18 Jun 2023, 3:06 pm

MaxE wrote:
141414 wrote:
No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.

Well she can take my advice or yours. Whichever works best for her.

No offense Max, but when was the last time that you were on the dating scene?



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18 Jun 2023, 3:08 pm

141414 wrote:
MaxE wrote:
141414 wrote:
No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.

Well she can take my advice or yours. Whichever works best for her.

EDIT yes any sort of sexual coërcion is unacceptable. Nobody needs to be told that. That's not what I had in mind, that's just how you read it. If the sexual aspect of the relationship is untenable then so be it.

No offense Max, but when was the last time that you were on the dating scene?

39 years ago when I met my wife and I have managed to be happily married since then.


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Blue Jay
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18 Jun 2023, 3:10 pm

MaxE wrote:
141414 wrote:
MaxE wrote:
141414 wrote:
No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.

Well she can take my advice or yours. Whichever works best for her.

EDIT yes any sort of sexual coërcion is unacceptable. Nobody needs to be told that. That's not what I had in mind, that's just how you read it. If the sexual aspect of the relationship is untenable then so be it.

No offense Max, but when was the last time that you were on the dating scene?

39 years ago when I met my wife and I have managed to be happily married since then.

I think that things have changed quite a bit since then. Some things that were once acceptable no longer are, and we have a better understanding of sexual identity.



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18 Jun 2023, 3:17 pm

MaxE wrote:
141414 wrote:
No, I’m right. It’s about respecting someone’s boundaries. If taking things slow doesn’t work for the other person, the relationship is not viable.

Pushing someone past their comfort zone is weird and creepy. Demisexuality is a valid identity that’s worthy of respect, like the other sexual identities.

It’s also not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill our sexual needs. If I felt like someone was pushing me to have sex with them when I wasn’t ready because they were sexually frustrated, the relationship would be over. That’s a HUGE red flag.

Well she can take my advice or yours. Whichever works best for her.

EDIT yes any sort of sexual coërcion is unacceptable. Nobody needs to be told that. That's not what I had in mind, that's just how you read it. If the sexual aspect of the relationship is untenable then so be it.

:?

I’m not sure how else to read this:
Quote:
Explain that it's frustrating to you to be denied that. Explicit talk may stimulate his subconscious to the degree that physical arousal becomes possible.



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18 Jun 2023, 3:23 pm

141414 wrote:
I’m not sure how else to read this:
Quote:
Explain that it's frustrating to you to be denied that. Explicit talk may stimulate his subconscious to the degree that physical arousal becomes possible.

How one should read that is she should be honest and forthcoming with him. If I misunderstood her then she's welcome to my apology.


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18 Jun 2023, 3:33 pm

MaxE wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Date two demi-sexual and you get a full-sexual experience.

Dating is multiplicative not additive.

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4 not 1.


1/4 the performance you mean.

Hmm, makes sense.



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18 Jun 2023, 3:40 pm

I would have at least as much sex as the average person in a decent, committed relationship if my partner was on the same page.