Are they our friends or acquaintances?

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Friendship involves different things to different people, particularly if you have neurodiverse people in your life, so you have to make the following determination for each of them, individually:

How do they treat their friends? Do they treat YOU that way?

If you know they are constantly on their phone getting message notifications, typing madly, and giggling, but it takes them days to get around to responding to you, and they abandon a conversation with you at the drop of a hat...you are probably not friends.

If you managed to get together with them, and they say nothing about it on social media, but they posted about getting together with someone else the next day...you are probably not friends.

If they post beaming, arm-in-arm photos with people to social media, and nothing at all with you...or the one photo you get looks like they are visiting their doctor...you are probably not friends.

If you go to their events, the only way you have contact with them outside work/school, and you hear about all the things they do together, and they are all "call me!" with each other...you are probably not friends.

If they are posting about things they do with other people that they are unwilling to do with you...you are probably not friends.

If they TELL you about the things they do with other people that they are unwilling to do with you...they may be teasing you.

If their other friends are on "call me!" basis, but for you they are a text-only friend...and an unreliable one at that...you probably aren't friends.

I could go on and on.

Some prominent autism influencers are easily fooled. They seem to think that if they manage to get some group hang time with people, and those people seem to be having fun, that they are part of that fun. @AUTISTIC_CALLUM_'s criteria is far from complete, but he seems to get it.

Yes, such comparisons can be (often but not always -- see below for some important exceptions) a good clue regarding your place in a person's life.


Depending on the individual, this might be a sign, not that they don't regard you as a friend, but that their life is compartmentalized.

For example, if they know you from an adult autism support group, but they haven't yet revealed their autism diagnosis (or self-identification) to most of their family and friends/acquaintances, then they might want to keep friends from the support group separate from family and other friends/acquaintances.

Another example of compartmentalization: If a person is religious, their social media accounts might revolve around their friends/acquaintances from church/temple/mosque/whatever and hence might not include much about any friends they have outside of the religious context.

Another example: If a person is a self-employed professional, their social media accounts might revolve around their professional and business network.

People have the right to compartmentalize their lives. Many people need to compartmentalize their lives, to protect their privacy, or for other reasons.

This doesn't mean they can't have genuine friendships within each separate compartment. It just means they have boundaries that they need their friends to respect. And we all have the right to assert boundaries with our friends.


"Group hang time" does provide a context in which friendship can develop, but it is not, itself, the same thing as friendship or even companionship (having fun together).

I think it's important to note that friendship takes time to develop. Someone who isn't your friend now might (but is certainly not guaranteed to) eventually become your friend later, after enough mutually fun or meaningful "group hang time."


I feel that @AUTISTIC_CALLUM_'s criteria focus a bit too much on quantity rather than quality of different kinds and contexts of interactions.

Unfortunately they do exist, but I suspect it's only women who are foul weathered friends because they get very jealous when other women do well.

I think you make a lot of good points, I didn't quote them all because I didn't want another long post. Very interesting, I can think of someone in my life who fits some of those points.

Something I've noticed as people get older is that they tend to have friends that they've had for ages. It's like those friends people make in early years stick around, or they just don't make new friends that end up being actual friends. People have kids at different ages/stages in life, and that changes dynamics. People enter the work force at different stages and that impacts things. It seems really easy to lose friends as people age and so much harder to make actual friends. Acquaintances are easier to make and maintain. Unfortunately for people who want friends, it can seem impossible past a certain age. Family seems to be where most people past 40 make friends. But this is just my observation in people watching/observing.

Point being, I don't think you did anything wrong to stop making friends. I think you and the people you know likely fell into those traps... just evolving in their own way apart from each other. I don't think it has anything to do with you as a person. From what I have observed of you on here, you seem like a decent person. It's just so much easier to make friends when life isn't so pressing and demanding of your time and attention.

Thanks Flea, what a kind thing to say. I've got a tear in my eye now.

I think also, we live in a tiny village, where the people are either super posh/rich, or very, very working class/gypsies. I don't fit in either of those categories so I never made friends here. And my in laws are the most cliquey, unfriendly people I've ever met so there are no friends there.

We're moving away next year! We are! Hooray!

If it feels best to remain on a first name basis, these people are likely best treated as acquaintances.

I'm puzzled by your statement above.

Most people are on a first-name basis with their friends, all the more so than with their acquaintances.

The Social Skills & Making Friends Forum discussion thread, 'A Friendly Reminder To Be Careful Who You Open Up To' might be helpful.

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I think he means, you only know the first name of the person, not the surname. i.e. you don't know them well enough to know their surname or anything about them. The person is just 'Josh from the accounts department' or whatever. 'Josh who?' 'I don't know his surname.'