My first deep love, and my first heartbreak, what do i do?

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Okay, here is the edited version.

Note: Heather is at the age of 15, the same has me.
A long time ago about 7 months ago i was having girlfriend troubles with a girl named Alexandra.
She was 20 years old and in collage (yes i know, bad choice, a bit to old for me)
But i was having troubles with her using my emotions, and i let her.
And about 2 or 3 months after that i met this girl named Heather.
I met her though another friend of mine, both friend of heather and me.
Her name was colleen.
Heather was staying the night over at colleens house when i met her.
She was a keep-to-herself kind of girl.
We had a three-way chat on the computer.
She was always keeping her head out of the convocations me and colleen where having.
But when colleen left the convocation and i got Heather to tell mer her Msn screen name so i could add her.
i did and we started talking more.
About two days after we started asking personal questions like, sizes of specific things and times when we do things alone in our bedrooms(I am NOT going any more detailed then that)
I am not much of a person to be outward with things like that.
Its a bit emberessing to let people know about.
But i let her know.
It seems she was basically a fan girl i had.
It kept going on like that, she was always changing her signature so it said stuff like " I love chu nick!"
And stuff like that all the time.
At first i kinda had her led on that i liked her too.
For about a week she was led on then i told her i did not really like her.
She did not take it very harshly (thank god)
And yes, at the time she did know who Alexandra was, and she knew i liked her.
Maybe heather was a way for my heart to escape Alexandra..but anyway.
When i told heather how i did not really like her like i said i did, i actually started falling for her.
For some reason i was attracted to her.
About a month after all of this was going on, how me liking her and such.
She started to ask if i could have a cyber (internet role play sex) with her.
I told her i would not do cybers.
She just went on going "oh....ok then"
But the day after i pushed her away i actually asked her if we could cyber.
She told me she would teach me it was not such a bad thing :p
We did it and everything, and we had fun.
When 2 or so weeks after that she started calling me.
I did not mind, i did not have long distance at the time, and i still don't.
She can call me but i can't call her.
The first talk we had on the phone, we ended up having phone sex.
I have no clue how it got led on but we did o_o.. anyway
It kept going on like that for a while.
And no the relationship was not built on phone sex and cybers.
We would constantly talk, sometimes about random things, but most of the time you could not shut us up xD
It kept going like that, and after a while i started to slip away from Alexandra.
It seems heather may have been my way to escape.
But it does not mean i don't love her.
She first person i had cybers with, and phone sex, etc.
(talking about real present times now)
it seems about a week or two ago she decided to cheat on me.
She was cybering with other guys and telling them she loved them too.
I found out because we where talking on the phone and she somehow bring up "ya know, every relationship has its third person"
I asked her who hers was and she said it was this guy named ried.
She said she cyberd with him.
At first my mind was dead.
But about 4 minutes later it just snapped in my brain ya know?
I exploded at her.
Not yelling.
But i was asking a crap load of questions.
Like how long she liked this guy and stuff like that.
I kept giving her guilt trips.
It is who i am to ask questions >.<
But about 5 days ago (talking from present times again)
she ended up saying how she does not want to try with me anymore.
That all i am is a screw up who can't control there own emotions.
I just don't know how i am supposed to react though.
She used to tell me how much she wanted me to be her only 'one'
And that she would find me and get to me one way or another, because she would not give up.
I begged her to stay, and i had her remember all the fun times we had, ya know?
Then she stayed.
But then a day later she goes "i can't do this, i cant stay just because i am being held on my guilt trips".
I do not mean to give her guilt trips, its just how i come out o_o
I want to learn how to control my emotions.
A long time ago, i gave her a friendship necklace, a yin and yang.
I gave her the dark half.
Yesterday she took hers off.
It shattered me..
I will not take mine off, to anytime soon, and i will keep it for a long time.
It is my memory.
Now..we started talking like normal.
I was really trying.
But it was hurting to hold it all in too.
But earlier today, about a few hours ago.
I started talking to her like normal again.
She seemed happy..but..i don't know if again she is only staying because of the guilt.
She says we can just stay friends with benefits for now.
I just don't know what to do, be, act, say, or anything. i'm just confused a bit right now.
And i fear leaving her because i love her.
There are many other people out there yes, but only one her.
Plus, its extra hard from all i did with her.
All the trust i gave to her, i can't look in my bedroom, computer, or even touch myself without remembering her.


---------Is this any better for you guys? -_- ------------

Please use proper grammar and spelling. I seriously couldn't stand reading more than the first paragraph.

Where is there a paragraph?
Anyway yea sorry that might have sounded mean. But really I was only joking. Anyway, I can relate to this kid, it takes me forever to get over heartbreaks and rejection etc etc.. Along with AS is a life of pain and suffering, something much of us here can relate to very well. Just do whatever you can to make yourself feel better, or correct your mistakes Thats my advice.. Well, just try, or all this will consume you and believe me, thats not a good thing.

Eh its fairly currect.
I do not have the best grammer on the planet >.<;
But hey at least i don't have the worst.
You can't read it?
Let me put it down to you in plain words.
DO NOT REPLY THEN!
-twitch- god >>
anyway.

username88:
Yea.. o.o sorry.
anyway.
I already feel it eating away at me.
And an update, we kinda thought about just bieng friends and all.
But something still nags on me.
I hope she is not staying just because she feels guilty.
I hate holding people agenst there wills..
I just wish she would love me the way she used to =\

Eh, if you showed her the level of
respect that you showed us, and it
seems you did - telling her you love
her when you didn't - you probably
deserved what you got.

Well, one helpful thing I've learned over the past few years is (when it comes to love) to avoid saying things I don't mean, just to make people feel good or to avoid making waves. I remember saying "I love you" in high school without meaning it, once, just because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't say it back to the guy. It's really important to be straight up with those you care about, if your feelings aren't on the same page. In the long run, it's a lot nicer.

What you've done here (understandably, but it was still a mistake) is you've added a sexual component to a relationship that turned out not to be so strong in other ways. It's hard to see clearly when you're emotional about somebody, and even harder when sexual intimacy has been going on. It's not necessarily bad to be emotional over somebody, but it's useful to know at least, that your judgment is clouded.

Begging people to stay, and staying out of guilt is not something that should be happening in a healthy relationship. I understand that it all hurts a lot right now, but I don't personally think you should focus on making this girl stay.

Oh honey, hang in there. Things get so much better with time, but try not to see the past through rose colored glasses. So you broke up, it means you weren't meant for each other after all, because if you were, you'd still be together.
Now the big difficulty will be for you to try and love as though you've never been hurt before. That's a HUGE challenge. Most people give up.
Don't.
It's worth it even if it takes what seems like a lifetime to get over it.