No-Contact Gaslighters

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My children's paternal grandmother is in the final stages of dying, possibly today. They have been no-contact with that side of the family for several years because of well-documented psychological abuse and parental estrangement. The paternal cousins have been gaslighting my kids all day by leaving as many as 17 voicemail messages in 30 minutes, accusing my daughter of "not caring" or "not loving" their abusive grandmother who was never there for them. The cousin left a message for my son that it was my fault because I brainwashed them to be cold-hearted like this. The same cousin has attempted to contact my daughter on her pseudonymous FB account with 12 fake-named accounts in the last hour.

I don't know what I'm looking for here besides a rant.

My kids agreed they will send flowers but they refuse to speak to that side of the family, or attend any memorial even if I join them as a psychological bodyguard.

Encouragement is welcomed.

I encourage you and your kids to maintain a non contact policy.
It's the only way with these people.

{{{ hugs }}}

I can relate in a way although it’s another layer of awful to see one’s kids deal with horrific behavior like this.

When my grandmother died 8 months ago, she had been shunning me for years along with most of my extended family. They regularly badmouth me and engage in sh***y behavior like that. I chose not to go to the funeral.

Anyway, I think there’s something to be said for grieving in private and in one’s own way. To be honest, I didn’t grieve much (or at all). I already grieved my grandmother’s loss/what could’ve been years ago. When she died, I had no grief left.

I’m still appalled by family’s behavior, though, but at this point, it bothers me on a superficial, how-can-people-be-so-awful level. It’s no longer personal.

Keeping no contact with abuser/s is the safest way to live your life. You don't want to be dragged back into their sphere and you don't want your kids to be either.

I think it sounds nice of them to send flowers. Very decent, I don't think I'd bother if I were them.

I mean why even send flowers?

Seems best to just not engage with them at all.

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t send flowers, but this is about them and what feels right/meaningful to them.

Thanks everyone.

They spoke to each other and decided on the flowers. They wouldn't be from me, that's for sure, but I agree it might be a step too far either way. I was thinking that we don't even know anyone's address, and we won't have any way of knowing where the funeral is unless they answer the phone, which they won't. Mind you, the family might skywrite it or put it on the national news to shame my kids for not going. I wouldn't put it past them.

It's weird because I have a few nice memories of her as my mother-in-law, but they're few and far between. We split in 1997 and I haven't spoken to her since. When my exh's father died the kids were very young and I took them to the service to show our respects to their grandfather. I even spent a lot on buying them formal clothes and a red rose they could each give to this grandmother. No one spoke to me and I was left standing alone and shunned in the back of the room, although they took the kids and then didn't want to give them back.

This is all so bizarre to me. I could rant for days about all the horrible things she's done over the years. I understand her supporting her son in a divorce but she badmouthed them and me so badly they've been in therapy for the better part of their lives, all on my dime of course. I've done all I could to try to foster a relationship the best I could until he sued and disowned my daughter in court in 2019.

I'm so done with this crap.

Has anyone contacted me, as an intermediary? Nope. I'm so evil I wouldn't care.

Has the father contacted the kids himself, even once during his mother's illness? Nope.

Is he a spineless sack of shite?

DING DING DING

You are not alone.  It seems a lot of us have family members they would rather not associate with or admit to.

These stories are a bit triggering, but at least I get to confront my own anger/fear/regret and work to diminish it.

My brother died last year.  All our lives, he tried to boss me around, telling me what classes to take, whom to date, what major to pursue, what career choices to make.  He essentially acted like a clone of our dad, right down to the drinking and chain-smoking.

I did not attend his funeral.  I have not spoken to his widow or kids.  I did not send flowers.

Yes, I am a horrible, terrible, awful example of a human being.  My only excuse is that when tyrants push you out of your family, maybe the best course of action is to stay out of the family and start one of your own.

Thank you so much Fnord. ^

I'm sorry to hear what you went through with all that stress in your family and I'm sorry if it triggered you. I read your comment aloud to my daughter (actually I read the entire thread aloud to her), and your last sentence really drove it home for her. Big hugs for that.

No news yet, other than the fact random friends of their father's have now been calling her, or having their kids call her. It got so weird she thought her dad had actually died, but we're past that thought now.

I offered to ring my exh for the kids to get info even though we haven't talked in person without lawyers in over 20 years. They both said no. They're realising flowers might be wrong since they don't know an address and don't want to give anyone a reason to reply. NC is NC.

It's hard to watch but I'm proud of them.

I'm sorry, that is completely awful of them. Good for you guys for standing your ground.

Good anyone , especially in this thread for using common sense in the face of Gas Lighting abusive people.
Gas lighting , i think is a NT concotion. A group insanity of sorts ...... think a normal thinking person might not care to engage in. Sorry You all had to go through it .

That side of the family is horrible. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of stress and evil behavior. It's just vile. Sending love and courage and big hugs to you and your kids. I would send the flowers and block them on everything.

Sending the flowers is a really big gesture in this case but I can understand why it's a good idea to send them.

Sorry you had to go through that.

Don't judge yourself, everyone experiences these things as they can. .

The other thing about sending flowers is, it's like making a statement 'we cared enough to make the effort' and there is physical evidence they cared enough to send flowers. Showing they are good people and not influenced by the toxic ones.

(Hope that makes sense, I've had a mind boggling week)