How to Seduce an ASD Guy

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Hi I'm looking for advice and I haven't been able to find a similar situation on other forums. Hopefully there is someone here who can provide some insight.

I have a huge crush on an ASD friend of mine. He is smart, caring, and a bit of a player. He has poor social skills but can mask well and is ridiculously good-looking. He is (very) sexually active, has had several long-term girlfriends and casual flings. He started flirting with me and that's how I began to be interested in him. But things seemed to evolve into something more serious than casual flirting. For 9 months he followed me around, would get nervous and tongue-tied around me, called me beautiful, walked me to my car, got jealous when other men talked to me, seemingly researched me and all my behaviors/preferences, and told a mutual friend he was interested in me. I sent him a message asking him for drinks which he did not respond to, but he then showed up the next day very happy and excited, and asked me lots of questions about my favorite bars. But nothing ever came of it. A few months later I messaged him telling him that I liked him and wanted to go on a date. Same thing: no response, just huge smiles, excessive flirting, and heated stares. Our mutual friend set us up at a party where we got drunk and had a great time. A guy started talking to me at the bar when I went to get a refill, and my crush got very angry and stalked off. He did not speak to me for 3 months.

After 3 months, he started being friendly with me again and a little flirty. Frustrated, I messaged him saying that I felt like he was leading me on by not responding to my messages, flirting, then disappearing. I asked him what was going on. No response. However, he met up with me in person, all smiles. He told me he loved getting my messages because I am direct and he likes to know what's going on. He told me he thinks I am very beautiful, but he is not interested in me "like that." Furthermore, he has no idea why I would think he was interested. (I guess he doesn't know our mutual friend told me how he felt before.) He said he is fascinated by me, and the more he gets to know me the more interesting I am. That I'm admirable and kind and honest and will have no trouble finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. (I never asked him to spend my life with me, so not sure what that's about.) He told me he looks forward to seeing me everyday, but he thinks that's because my attention is flattering. Ouch. I thanked him for his honesty, and he immediately started flirting- winks, arm touches, etc. So I decided to be honest as well- I told him I had a date that night with another man.

He got very jealous. Asked a lot of questions about the guy and tried to one-up him. Asked where my date was and suggested he might show up. I firmly told him no. That was 3 months ago. The date went nowhere. Ever since, he flirts hard every time I see him. If being suave doesn't work, he gets super polite. If polite doesn't work, he tries to make me laugh. He starts conversations, comments on my facebook, stares at me sexually, and puts his head in his hands when I ignore him. He tries to impress me, he watches me from a distance all the time, he looks for me in every room and conversation. A (platonic, male) friend asked him out for casual drinks and my crush said "like a date?" then raised his eyebrows at me. I just ignored him and walked away while he got frustrated. I showed up in a sexy dress the other day and he stopped in his tracks and stared with his mouth open. I don't know what to do. He explicitly told me he isn't interested in me at all. Our mutual friends are convinced that he has been in love with me for a year and that I have no interest in his advances, when really it is the other way around. They keep encouraging me to tell him how I feel. I don't have the heart to tell them he rejected me and claims not to know about the signals he is giving off.

I got tipsy the other night and sent him a flirty message, and he responded saying he was confused and asked what it meant. I told him I had been trying to flirt. No response, but he started watching all my stories (he is rarely online). I thought maybe he is too nervous to be upfront with what he wants. But I found out he has actually been casually dating someone else for the past month or so. Why would he be able to be forward with another woman but not with me? It doesn't make any sense.

TLDR; he is giving every indication that he is at least attracted to me, but doesn't take initiative and my efforts to ask him out have gone nowhere. I am so frustrated and saddened by the whole situation and I don't know what to do. I don't think I want to date him at this point...too complicated. But I do want to have sex with him. How do I initiate sex without coming on too strong?

Last edited by calicopie on 22 Aug 2023, 3:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Maybe rejection from other women has knocked the dude's confidence & he may feel unable to express his feelings for you honestly.

Not every person will act the same in every relationship they have. Most people have different types of headspaces at different times, as people change/evolve or switch between different mental states, along the currents of time.

So reading through what your wrote, I believe it is clear he likes you. I would guess that he is hypersexual and is dating around to full fill his sexual urges. With you it could be secondary emotion and something that goes just beyond meeting those physical needs and basic attraction.

That being said, I would recommend moving on. If he is this difficult and causing you this much distress when you arn't even dating yet, then I don't see how you could be happy in a relationship. This also goes for him. He seems to get distressed when you are with others and yet he cant get past whatever is going on. So trying to pursue this is most likely going to cause you both distress. If you were to get together in a real relationship, these issues would likely get bigger and cause even more issues.

Perhaps if he can figure out what he needs and then figure out how to communicate it with you then you could move forward. From what little you shared though that does not seem to be his current state.

Thanks for your response. Agreed- I do not want to date him, at least not at this point. I have had too many negative emotions associated with our relationship already, and I do not want dating him to be the solution to that negativity. I think that's a slippery slope to an unhealthy relationship.

BUT I also have a disorder that makes me hypersexual, and I don't enjoy hooking up with NTs as much as with fellow "disordered" folks. It's very frustrating to me that we haven't had sex, as I think we would be very sexually compatible.

I worry that any attempt at initiating sexual intimacy is going to clash with whatever weird emotional box he's categorized me in. I don't know how to initiate that either, since I can't even get him to agree to drinks. If he can't say yes to an hour of boozy conversation, how can I expect him to say yes to an hour of f*****g me in the back of his rover? He'd probably run for the hills.

I don’t want to speak for him, but from what I have seen he rarely experiences sexual rejection. Maybe romantic rejection is more frequent for him. But women have approached our friends and offered money to give him their numbers… that’s why I am having a hard time with this. There is clearly an emotional connection between him and I, yet these strange women get his sexual attention while I get awkward stares and argued with when I talk to other guys.

If he really is a successful player type (which is unusual for autistic folk in general), then maybe he doesn't value you as more than someone to flirt with.

Tbh, good point

If he doesn't value you, don't value him. Simple.

If you REALLY want to have sex with him, then ask him for sex, preferably in a situation in which you are able to act on that initiative right away. But I would advise against shopping for wedding gowns immediately after. BTW how old are you and he? The next commenter on this thread will take extreme umbrage at my suggestion, however I will assume you are well aware of the risks.

He's very sexually active and had several long term girlfriends.

I doubt he is nervous with or intimidated by you.

Maybe he's just not into you.

Personally, I'd give up this guy.
Being sexually active but getting jealous over you dating other guys (while not even in a relationship!) is a red flag.

He's just not into you. There are more fishes in the sea.

I also have trouble believing he is nervous with me, but when he tries to speak to me, no sound comes out. Sometimes he just stands awkwardly in the middle of the room smiling and staring at me. Once I was playing with a baby in the same room as him, and when I picked the baby up he stopped talking in the middle of his conversation and just stared at me with a sappy smile. The person he was talking to had to say his name multiple times to regain his attention.

I’ve never seen him act like this with other people, and all our mutual friends say he is In Love with me. I’m getting a lot of conflicting messages.

Lol do you mean you think we are both being immature? If so I agree….this situation has not brought out the best in me, and he is acting very childish as well.

I’m 31, he’s 47.

Well you should know that men on the spectrum are famous for not picking up on hints or signals, so as I already said, if you want the sex, ask for it. As for making him fall in love with you, I can't help you.

Yeah that’s a lesson I keep learning. I met up with him last night after telling him I was trying to flirt with him a few days before. We had a good chat, flirted, then a friend pulled me away. I sent him a message telling him to come over to my house after he left the function we were at. But he didn’t open the message for 2 hours. When he did he said “thanks so much for the invite, but I have an early morning tomorrow. Where do you live?”

Wtf does that mean? I have no idea, so I took it as him saying he wasn’t coming over. I told him not to worry and asked maybe some other time? Gave him my address. No answer.

I am so lost.