Hey, does anybody read these?

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I checked under my seat and did NOT receive my free prize.

Welcome to WP!

Ooooh. I found a sticker on the bottom of my seat. It says FRONT with an arrow, which is hella helpful actually, considering I had a desk chair that I built backwards by accident. You wonder what people necessitate these sorts of things. It's me. I'm the people.

Sticking it on the front of my computer in case I ever get confused in the future.

Anyway, hello! Can sympathize with the medication damage... I got tried on everything til I eventually crashed and burned on atypical antipsychotics. Took years to reverse that mess, and still didn't have any answers to a damn thing til earlier this year. The journey of self discovery is wild, yo. Just kinda stumbling around in the dark... with a blindfold on... just for extra funsies...

What?? I left some yummy gum there. I barely chewed it so it should still have lots of flavour.

Any ideas for what would make a good virtual gift?

The medications certainly did some damage. But I think the most damaging thing of all is that as a patient, you are considered to be an unreliable narrator in your own life. Anything you say could be suspicious because it is assumed that you probably have unconscious defense mechanisms that are warping what you think and say.

Also, I tried to continue to live a life as normal as possible, and even this bit me in the ass. Because if you aren’t laying in bed all day* and aren’t otherwise pissing and moaning constantly, then people assume that things can’t possibly be that bad. You are simply a malingerer who is trying to con everyone. *<edit> (Some meds did indeed make me sleep most of the day, caused rapid weight gain and other delightful side effects.)

Then you feel ashamed for judging people for their stupidity, cowardice, and lack of empathy, even when they deserve it.

And then as you say, everything has to be revisited and examined through the lens of autism.

It is exhausting. Good times. Thanks.

"Intense" sounds very familiar. I guess welcome to WP there even though I'm also just writing my first comment right now. As a total side note spasmolytic's comment about being put on atypical antipsychotics is a little scary seeing as though I was just put on those recently (I was finally diagnosed with this s**t like a month ago) so maybe I should look into that, thank you to that person. Though for me it's been really helpful at making things less intense at the expense of taking away my lateral connection superpowers and (subjectively) making it a lot harder to think the way I had been prior to this. I'm in university right now and struggling a lot more than I had because I'm having to adapt to my brain now working in a totally different way that's more similar to the NT students here.

Everything you've said is very relatable. I was also a metalhead for like 5 years, I was a total social chameleon too while still always feeling like an outsider. I don't mean to hijack your thread in communicating these things about myself - I only mean to validate your experience by showing how mine has been similar. Greetings from Maryland.

Please hijack away. Introductions should be gateways to conversation.

I was also on atypical antipsychotics for nearly two years. I was sleeping 12 or more hours a day, gained a ton of weight and they caused all sorts of other health issues aside from the inherent dangers of the meds themselves that necessitated blood monitoring.

I fought with my doctor over his insistence that I was “doing better” on his cocktail of meds. I went against his advice, weaned myself off the antipsychotics (I was reckless and suffered needlessly), and I noticed my mental health was no worse off once the withdrawal symptoms ceased. This prompted me to reevaluate all the other meds he had me on, and psychiatry in general.

As for intensity, the confusing thing about being intense is that it’s supposed to be a good characteristic when we describe it as being passionate or dedicated. But it’s often only a good thing if somebody higher up the food chain considers it to be useful. If it is not directed toward some sanctioned activity or occupation, then you’re considered to be too wild.

I have read all your post on this thread. I wish I could be of help. But I never went the route you traveled. I always stayed away from drugs that could alter my brain.

I wish you well on your journey.

Altering the brain is the point of psychiatric drugs, isn’t it? That’s certainly why I took them.

As I wrote earlier, I was led to believe that I had a chemical imbalance, (low serotonin to be exact), and that medications would correct that imbalance. This was very common until recently, and there was even a time when the low serotonin/chemical imbalance theory was placed in advertisements for psychiatric medications.

The pharmaceutical industry quietly backed away from such overt proclamations when they could not provide proof for this theory, and yet an estimated 80% of the population continue to believe the chemical imbalance theory.

However my own journey away from psych meds was not a scientific process, it was an intuitive one. I simply knew the meds were not working, and I suspected that they might be doing further damage to me, perhaps even permanently. I’m still not sure on that last point as I have no data to prove or disprove it.

It would be nice if we all could do our own research to help us make important decisions. But the world is far too complicated and most of us are way too busy living our lives for that. So at some point we have to put our faith in certain systems and institutions, and trust that they have their science correct or our best interests at heart. It is not ideal and can end up harming us.

Such was the case with my mental healthcare. Still, I would never try to influence anyone with regards to their own choices regarding their own healthcare. It didn’t work out for me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t saving someone else's life.

I spoke with my psychiatrist this week (I no longer take meds but I require a relationship with a doctor in order to be eligible for assistance from the government).

He believes my suspicions of autism are correct, and we are proceeding as if I already have an assessment.

I am still having a hard time believing it. Part of me can’t believe I got so far into adulthood without anyone or myself ever suspecting autism, and part of me still has doubts about whether autism itself is real.

It has been exhausting going back over my life and looking for clues, and feeling some of the same old emotions that came with those difficult times. It also makes me extremely apprehensive of the future, because there was always a part of me that held on to the belief that my persistence would be rewarded and I would eventually find a solution for my mysterious difficulties.

Autism means these difficulties will likely be with me forever, and I am not one to easily admit defeat.

As I said before, "I wish you well on your journey."

I think you are headed in the right direction but I do not know because I lack understanding, knowledge about your situation.

It means you'll need to find creative ways to work around your difficulties, rather than try to eliminate them. Hopefully you've identified your areas of strength, as well as your weaknesses?

Better that it’s computer mice than a Buffet-Crampon R-13 “Tosca” Clarinet, which retails as high as $10k. (and, to think, almost 50 years ago, I nearly sh!t myself for paying $600.00 for the Current (at the time) Buffet R-13 Clarinet. (My brothers are currently sh!tying bricks because 1 spent over $1500.00 to purchase a 1990’s era Buffet R-13, that I’m having a local instrument tech overhauling and modifying the keywork, to accommodate the carpal tunnel surgery l had over 10 years ago (even though the orthopedic surgeon told me flat out I’d never play again. I told that to my now current physical therapist, who knew I’m an operatic tenor, and nearly threw a fit about therapy not being supplied for the surgery. He photocopied the exercises to get my hands back into shape. The right hand is getting more relaxed (and I should have my horn back by the end of the month. I’m literally bawling right now that I have an old friend back in my grimy l’il mitts, after giving up playing 20 years ago.)

Yes, no...I don’t know. Ugh.

I once went through an intensive group therapy outpatient program which was five days a week for four months. In retrospect, it was not an ideal place for neurodivergent people.

The guiding philosophy was that if a patient was struggling with any issues, it was because they were resisting because they weren’t ready yet. (Which is a convenient way for such programs to avoid having their own shortcomings exposed, but I digress.)

I walked out of that program more confused than ever. I’d made zero progress. Worse, because of the program’s philosophy I lost confidence in my own intuition and self belief. All of my issues became suspicious, as if there were a million mysterious coping mechanisms lurking unseen beneath the surface. I was a patient who had become eternally “not ready”. It’s a nightmare to have your confidence destroyed like that.

Before I recently discovered autism I already knew I was twice exceptional, and I had identified many of the strengths and weaknesses inherent in that. Still, the self-doubt the mental healthcare industry foisted upon me has been hard to shake.

Thank you for your comment. I will try to participate more widely on the forum as I get acclimatized and not turn this thread into my own personal blog/whining space.

I had never heard of a Buffet R-13 Clarinet so I Googled it. It looks like a beautiful instrument. You broke it?

It’s great that you can play again. I think playing music has been a lifesaver for me. Of all the arts, for me it is the most immediate and captivating. You can just play with no goal or plan, and be taken away.

Thanks to everyone who welcomed me, commented, or merely read any of this. It has always been tough for me to be the center of attention, especially given that many of my interests put me there, which is why I originally sought mental health support.

I recently read a news article about Steven Spielberg’s semi-autobiographical movie “The Fabelmans”. The article mentioned how the movie shows him being bullied in high school because he was nerdy and Jewish.

I made the mistake of reading the comments section after the article.

So many people were basically saying he’s a whiner for including the bullying and anti-semitism that he experienced, with “That crybaby should get over it” seeming to be the common sentiment.

I’ve learned to resist engaging with those kinds of people. Nevertheless they still really, really bother me. I wish I was more cool or zen about it. They are the reason I fear writing and publishing a memoir. I could simply NOT write one, but I don’t think it is healthy for people to self-censor themselves because of outside pressure from hateful, intolerant people. That is the basis of “masking” is it not?

Thanks again.

Welcome to the site, I am also autistic and intense. And yes I read these.