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Help please with email sent to prospective love interest

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funeralxempire
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12 Sep 2023, 5:32 pm

Cigalle33 wrote:
funeralxempire-

Thank you.
You live, you learn.
It's a slightly complicated situation where I may have missed an opportunity or not.
Or maybe there never was one.

Slightly curious.

Just have to see it as nebulous/a learning experience.

Although I'm upset about it but also wasn't receptive to him at the time when he tried to talk to me.

Maybe he's not the right person for a relationship anyway.


That's a healthy mindset to have.

It's easy to waste a lot of time and effort speculating about what could have been and mourning those losses, but if the pieces to build that (metaphorical) lego kit weren't all in place, you didn't really have the option to build it, you just had a few pieces that could inspire plans to build it. Since it was never built, it wasn't broken or taken away, it didn't really exist.

I'm sure other potential partners will eventually emerge, some of whom might be even better/more suited/easier to mesh with.


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Cigalle33
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14 Sep 2023, 8:47 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Cigalle33 wrote:
funeralxempire-

Thank you.
You live, you learn.
It's a slightly complicated situation where I may have missed an opportunity or not.
Or maybe there never was one.

Slightly curious.

Just have to see it as nebulous/a learning experience.

Although I'm upset about it but also wasn't receptive to him at the time when he tried to talk to me.

Maybe he's not the right person for a relationship anyway.


That's a healthy mindset to have.

It's easy to waste a lot of time and effort speculating about what could have been and mourning those losses, but if the pieces to build that (metaphorical) lego kit weren't all in place, you didn't really have the option to build it, you just had a few pieces that could inspire plans to build it. Since it was never built, it wasn't broken or taken away, it didn't really exist.

I'm sure other potential partners will eventually emerge, some of whom might be even better/more suited/easier to mesh with.


Oh hell, I started writing a long reply and then got cut off the page and lost it!!

Yeah, so basically I think that you've hit the nail on the head.

I'm caught up analysing and panicking about a loss of "opportunity" or potential partner.
But in general I feel my life has been messed up by outside situations and also I feel I've missed out on a lot.
So it is all looped together.

My ex partner was from a very specific traveller background in the UK that not everybody understands, & that other guy I met at the same time this was happening had connections to that community and understood it, which is something that had massive appeal because I had invested so much into my relationship with my ex partner and would have stayed with him if he wasn't so ill and far gone.

There seemed to be an overall mismatch that is hard to put together in my mind.

Something was out of sync, although this guy did flirt with me and also I had noticed him.

So probably I need to let go of the fixation "something could have happened".
Obviously it couldn't at the time.
Maybe I didn't want it at the time.
Maybe I wanted the other experience I chose.
Maybe I needed that more.
Maybe I wasn't able to be receptive to somebody with such massive problems again.

If he has a stutter and problems asserting himself he has his own issues to work on internally anyway.

I gave him my email after thinking really carefully about it for nearly two years and he wasn't receptive, so he has his reasons, including not being able to own his behaviour and previous interest.

I think this is potentially off-putting as I'm not very robust and I can't enter into a relationship where I'm looking after somebody in a carer role again.

But yeah obviously I don't completely understand the situation, and feel confused.
Probably better to embrace being single and self-care for now.



Struggle7
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15 Sep 2023, 12:05 pm

Decades ago, I wrote a letter to the editor of our local paper.

Some guy saw it and looked up my last name in the phone book and called everyone until he found me.

I went out on a date with him, but I wasn't attracted. He said pretty early on he was "looking for a girlfriend."

I think I might be freaked out if someone contacted me through work and sent a really long email to me detailing the issues they were dealing with.

It's taken me a very long time, but I'm seeing my previous behaviors as being autistic.

I've seen your story in other forums as well.

It's been two years. Cut your losses. I have been hung up on a guy who I wondered if he was interested or not for eight years now. EIGHT YEARS.

I realized if he was indeed flirting (and it certainly seemed like it) he didn't mean it.

Sometimes people flirt and they don't mean it.

And if a guy came up to me from yoga class (or whatever class) and crouched down beside me in a supermarket, I might say, "Oh hello!" but not saying anything sort of gives the signal that you are not interested. And if he doesn't say anything, maybe he's looking for something on the shelf.

I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

And I offered to show him part of the rest of the neighborhood, but he declined. We rode up to our floors together, and when I got out on my floor, he asked, "you want me to come over?" I replied, "no."

The vibe I got was that he was bored, wanted to drink, and wanted to get laid.

My younger self would probably have asked him in.

Now, I know better.

Move on. It's been two years now. And some friendly advice: don't go into all the issues you're dealing with when it comes to ASD, depression, co-dependency or whatever else is going on when talking to a guy.

Being lonely sucks. Keep doing things that you like. If there are meetups for ASD folks, attend some of those and see what happens.

And if you see a guy you're interested in, make the first move. Ask him for coffee, or maybe just ask him something yoga-related.

Good luck



Cigalle33
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15 Sep 2023, 12:28 pm

Struggle7 wrote:
Decades ago, I wrote a letter to the editor of our local paper.

Some guy saw it and looked up my last name in the phone book and called everyone until he found me.

I went out on a date with him, but I wasn't attracted. He said pretty early on he was "looking for a girlfriend."

I think I might be freaked out if someone contacted me through work and sent a really long email to me detailing the issues they were dealing with.

It's taken me a very long time, but I'm seeing my previous behaviors as being autistic.

I've seen your story in other forums as well.

It's been two years. Cut your losses. I have been hung up on a guy who I wondered if he was interested or not for eight years now. EIGHT YEARS.

I realized if he was indeed flirting (and it certainly seemed like it) he didn't mean it.

Sometimes people flirt and they don't mean it.

And if a guy came up to me from yoga class (or whatever class) and crouched down beside me in a supermarket, I might say, "Oh hello!" but not saying anything sort of gives the signal that you are not interested. And if he doesn't say anything, maybe he's looking for something on the shelf.

I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

And I offered to show him part of the rest of the neighborhood, but he declined. We rode up to our floors together, and when I got out on my floor, he asked, "you want me to come over?" I replied, "no."

The vibe I got was that he was bored, wanted to drink, and wanted to get laid.

My younger self would probably have asked him in.

Now, I know better.

Move on. It's been two years now. And some friendly advice: don't go into all the issues you're dealing with when it comes to ASD, depression, co-dependency or whatever else is going on when talking to a guy.

Being lonely sucks. Keep doing things that you like. If there are meetups for ASD folks, attend some of those and see what happens.

And if you see a guy you're interested in, make the first move. Ask him for coffee, or maybe just ask him something yoga-related.

Good luck


Okay, I didn't actually send him a really long, detailed email about the issues I'm dealing with.
I tried to give a sufficient context related to my enquiry.

Literally all I said was (this is a direct quote):

"So basically I'm autistic, and I have other health issues that made me have quite a strong negative reaction to somebody getting into my personal space in that way.

Also at the time it happened I was not actually single, although I am now[....]


[....]But to put the cards on the table, I have serious chronic health issues meaning I hardly socialise.
I would only be interested in going for a walk or something extremely low key."

Even if that's inappropriate, it's not particularly long.

I don't think he was just looking for something on the bottom shelf because he then very clearly looked in my direction to see if I was noticing him through the aisles for a while afterwards.

Also, he purportedly has a stutter and struggles to make conversation.
That's probably why he wanted me to talk to him first (which was the impression I got).

It's okay, if he was interested for whatever reason then, he obviously isn't any more so I'm not hanging onto it.

And yes sure, making very forward, clear flirting eyes (which he definitely did) doesn't mean he wants a relationship.
It's just indulging a fleeting attraction for people sometimes.
In his case we'll probably never know.

What do you mean that you've seen my story "on other forums"? ? ?

I have only posted it on this forum on this website.

Please explain ?

Thank you



MaxE
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15 Sep 2023, 12:48 pm

Struggle7 wrote:
I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

(etc.)

My fellow men never cease to amaze me. Single women being in such short supply in your country, I think the men would up their game.


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Cigalle33
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15 Sep 2023, 12:57 pm

MaxE wrote:
Struggle7 wrote:
I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

(etc.)

My fellow men never cease to amaze me. Single women being in such short supply in your country, I think the men would up their game.


Lol



funeralxempire
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15 Sep 2023, 1:02 pm

MaxE wrote:
Struggle7 wrote:
I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

(etc.)

My fellow men never cease to amaze me. Single women being in such short supply in your country, I think the men would up their game.


I'm working on attaching peacock feathers to my backside. I hope that ups my game. :nerdy:


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Watching liberals try to solve societal problems without a systemic critique/class consciousness is like watching someone in the dark try to flip on the light switch, but they keep turning on the garbage disposal instead.
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


Struggle7
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17 Nov 2023, 8:28 pm

Cigalle33 wrote:
Struggle7 wrote:
Decades ago, I wrote a letter to the editor of our local paper.

Some guy saw it and looked up my last name in the phone book and called everyone until he found me.

I went out on a date with him, but I wasn't attracted. He said pretty early on he was "looking for a girlfriend."

I think I might be freaked out if someone contacted me through work and sent a really long email to me detailing the issues they were dealing with.

It's taken me a very long time, but I'm seeing my previous behaviors as being autistic.

I've seen your story in other forums as well.

Someone has said to you to stop posting the same story in multiple forums. I've read your story more than once. That's why I said "I've seen your story in other forums as well." Meaning you've posted the same thing in other forums on this site.

It's been two years. Cut your losses. I have been hung up on a guy who I wondered if he was interested or not for eight years now. EIGHT YEARS.

I realized if he was indeed flirting (and it certainly seemed like it) he didn't mean it.

Sometimes people flirt and they don't mean it.

And if a guy came up to me from yoga class (or whatever class) and crouched down beside me in a supermarket, I might say, "Oh hello!" but not saying anything sort of gives the signal that you are not interested. And if he doesn't say anything, maybe he's looking for something on the shelf.

I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

And I offered to show him part of the rest of the neighborhood, but he declined. We rode up to our floors together, and when I got out on my floor, he asked, "you want me to come over?" I replied, "no."

The vibe I got was that he was bored, wanted to drink, and wanted to get laid.

My younger self would probably have asked him in.

Now, I know better.

Move on. It's been two years now. And some friendly advice: don't go into all the issues you're dealing with when it comes to ASD, depression, co-dependency or whatever else is going on when talking to a guy.

Being lonely sucks. Keep doing things that you like. If there are meetups for ASD folks, attend some of those and see what happens.

And if you see a guy you're interested in, make the first move. Ask him for coffee, or maybe just ask him something yoga-related.

Good luck


Okay, I didn't actually send him a really long, detailed email about the issues I'm dealing with.
I tried to give a sufficient context related to my enquiry.

Literally all I said was (this is a direct quote):

"So basically I'm autistic, and I have other health issues that made me have quite a strong negative reaction to somebody getting into my personal space in that way.

Also at the time it happened I was not actually single, although I am now[....]


[....]But to put the cards on the table, I have serious chronic health issues meaning I hardly socialise.
I would only be interested in going for a walk or something extremely low key."

Even if that's inappropriate, it's not particularly long.

I don't think he was just looking for something on the bottom shelf because he then very clearly looked in my direction to see if I was noticing him through the aisles for a while afterwards.

Also, he purportedly has a stutter and struggles to make conversation.
That's probably why he wanted me to talk to him first (which was the impression I got).

It's okay, if he was interested for whatever reason then, he obviously isn't any more so I'm not hanging onto it.

And yes sure, making very forward, clear flirting eyes (which he definitely did) doesn't mean he wants a relationship.
It's just indulging a fleeting attraction for people sometimes.
In his case we'll probably never know.

What do you mean that you've seen my story "on other forums"? ? ?

I have only posted it on this forum on this website.

Please explain ?

Thank you



Struggle7
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Joined: 19 Nov 2022
Age: 56
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Posts: 24
Location: Middle Kingdom

17 Nov 2023, 8:33 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
MaxE wrote:
Struggle7 wrote:
I recently met a guy who lives in my apartment building. We exchanged WeChat information. Within the first hour and ten minutes of chatting, he referenced drinks or drinking about four times. We did go out and get lemonade at a place I recommended, but it was obvious that he wasn't interested in anything that was important to me. And conversation just didn't flow very well. We were asking each other questions, but it was almost like polite conversation.

(etc.)

My fellow men never cease to amaze me. Single women being in such short supply in your country, I think the men would up their game.


I'm working on attaching peacock feathers to my backside. I hope that ups my game. :nerdy:


I'm in China. However, I'm waaaaaay over the desirable dating age. Even though this guy was an expat, I was still way older than he was, and he just struck me as being boring. If someone only seems to care about drinking, I'm not interested. As for the locals, I'm not attracted to Chinese men, and they wouldn't want me anyway. I'm too old to have kids.

White western men have it MADE over here. Doesn't matter if you look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, nerdy-looking or obese, you'll have a woman if you want one.



Struggle7
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Age: 56
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Posts: 24
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20 Mar 2024, 1:37 am

You've posted your story on other forums here on this site (and someone commented on it). That's what I meant.