Warning: mention of suicidal ideation
I have been in unbearable nonstop agonizing pain for a year and a half, and I can only expect to be this way for the rest of my life, which I desperately hope will be over as soon as possible, though I don't have the courage to end it myself, and that is the most terrible sentence imaginable. Every moment of every day I am struggling to not just sob and sob uncontrollably and with no end, and it has been this way for 18 months and counting, with no possible end. I don't know what to do with this pain. It just hurts and hurts and hurts. I have been begging the person causing me this pain, who has been my best and dearest and closest friend for 41 years and who has been there for me my whole life to please stop hurting me, but the more I beg the more he recoils. It's completely bewildering. It's as if my mother, who has now passed but who was unflinchingly and unfailingly loving, would have suddenly turned her back on me. I am as close to him as I was to my mother or would be to a brother or the life companion and confidant and soul mate that he is. All of these are what he is to me and always has been. I can't imagine my life without him, and all he would have to do is offer me a kind word, and my pain would stop, and I have begged him to, but he won't. I don't know why, other than I can see that he doesn't understand and he is not capable of handling it or dealing with it.
I've explained the context before so I won't go into it again. viewtopic.php?t=413589
Every moment that I am talking about something else is a moment when I am struggling to suppress this pain so I can pay some attention to something else, but all the while it is as if I am constantly bleeding from a chest wound that doesn't heal and doesn't kill but just hurts nonstop. I don't know what to do. I am so sorry for even mentioning it but this is my life and my reality, just neverending pain.
24 Sep 2023, 8:28 pm
