What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

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Hi,

I'm probably going through some kind of mid life crisis but I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I'm in my 40s. I have no friends. The only person I talk to is my Mum and very occasionally my brother. I have no partner, no kids, no job. I still live with my Mum.

I'm not very satisfied with how my life has turned out. When I try to tell my Mum and brother about how basically horrified I feel about how my life has turned out, they don't seem to think it's any big deal. They just tell me I should feel thankful because at least I'm not in some war torn country. That just makes me feel worse because then I also feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. I don't know why I seem to be the only person who is worried and bothered by the fact that I have no friends and no semblance of a normal life for someone my age.

I'm also horrified by the fact that I grew up with autism and 4 different mental health disorders and no-one in my family noticed or was the slightest bit concerned about me. They knew I had no friends, but never bothered to think about how maybe that was a problem. Teachers were more concerned about me than my own family.

Even when I did later find out what was wrong with me and I told my family and told them I was feeling depressed, their response was that they thought I should have nothing to feel depressed about because I got good grades, and therefore my depression was ignored.

When I bring it up, they sometimes ask me what I want in my life. Well, I want a normal life... with friends, partner, kids, job. Then they always point out that I obviously don't want friends because I always ran away from friends and I'm always the one who leaves them. Well yes, that's true, because I can't cope with having friends, but that doesn't mean I don't want them. I want to be able to cope with having them.

I have no normal things in my life because I can't cope with having them. I want to be able to cope with having them. I can't. So what am I supposed to do now? Should I try to cope with things and pursue a normal life? Should I accept I can't cope and embrace my non-life because that's all I can cope with? I am happy with my life in a certain sense because not having to deal with things I can't deal with = me not being as depressed. I guess that I'm more dissatisfied with my life, than actually unhappy at the moment, if that makes any sense.

Am I just being stupid for having these feelings and not just feeling thankful for everything I have? I can't seem to help the fact that I feel dissatisfied. I feel like I'm missing out on actual life. I feel like I'm still living the life of a five year old, waiting for life to start. However by the time my life has a chance of starting, I'll be so old I'll probably be on my death bed.

I think your situation is probably similar to a lot of autistic folk who miss out on life because they cannot cope with having autism plus co-morbid mental health disorders, which inevitably impacts a persons finances and thus, opportunities in life.

I think not having any friends or relationships in your life (as someone who wants those things) is a serious problem, and you're completely justified in feeling upset about it. Humans are social animals, and we typically need good strong relationships in order to live a happy, healthy life. It's common for autistic people and people with other mental health problems to struggle with having friends, but just because it's common doesn't make it any less difficult.

I have a partner and one close long-distance friend, and I'm very grateful that I have them, while also still lonely and still aware of the fact that I need more people in my life. When I manage to make connections with people, I feel something that I consider to be close to joy.

I think you should keep trying to make connections with people, no matter how difficult it is. Loneliness might feel like the easier option because it takes less effort, but I think that it ultimately hurts more. Try different kinds of social settings, different hobby groups, different ways of approaching people, until something works. Even just going out in public places and existing there without directly interacting with people is a better bet than sitting at home (it's how I met my partner)

Good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for

Aside from the social issues, most people want to have an actual purpose or mission in life besides metabolizing. So what you are feeling is not unusual. Of course, I can't begin to guess your strengths and interests. But I think it would be very odd if you didn't have strengths and interests. If you can focus on putting your energy there for the present, other things may fall into place. I was not looking for a wife when I met my future wife. We shared an interest we were both involved with. Without that common interest, it's unlikely we would have ever met or spoken to each other. I don't start up conversations with strangers. But with the shared interest I could respond to what she said, and the walls started dissolving away.
I was 39 when we met. I was 40 when we married.

Thank you for your replies. I think I should mention that I did try very hard in the past. There was a time when I forced myself to socialise daily, joined clubs, went out a lot etc. I ended up with very few friends that I no longer talk to, an emotionally abusive relationship that left lasting damage and very severe autistic burnout. I also cried daily and had enough anxiety to cause severe physical problems.

In case you're wondering, there were also times in the past where I tried but less severely, but I still ended friendless and ill.

That is part of why I am so unsure what to do now. Should I try doing that again? Is it worth it? Will it make things better or worse?

Late response but this is basically my life too. Idk what to do about it, after school is over there is very little chance to meet new people and make friends.

If there are any autism support groups where you live, you can try attending their meetings.
Sometimes parents ignore warning signs about their children, bc they get good grades