Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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There isn't a lot about alexithymia and the ego.
Another stuff that google couldn't answer for me.

BUT -- I can figure it out myself; those with alexithymia SEEM like they have less ego. The same way they SEEM stoic.

The ego itself... Is very attached to thoughts and emotions; and uses it to fuel it's own existence, a distraction. And ego-centry is this preoccupation of it.

Before all this; I was very ego centric. Because my ego is very, very loud. One of the many things I have to contend and fight in the inside.
Ignoring it feels bad, not ignoring it also feels bad.

Now that I don't hear this nag in my head.

With whatever version of alexithymia I had; the emotions are almost muted; thus also certain thoughts.

The only known preoccupations those with alexithymia has is body vigilance.
And beyond that; is nothing much else -- the feelings that influences the thought like I used to.

The worst case scenario is a subtly perceived hollowness, doing destructive things in an attempt to fill it.

Now that I don't have to fight what's inside... No more 'certain voices' a.k.a. thoughts.
The ego, like emotions, it is still there. The same with conscience, the same with whatever subconscious programming.
Just way less eardrum shattering loud and way less eye stabbing flashy.

Thus goes away my cravings, my spending habits...

True alexithymics are colorblind and deaf in the inside whether it's their neurology or a form of injury; I just had an earplug and dark lensed shades.

Whatever I have is not a 'coping mechanism'.
It can be mistaken as ego death. It's not ego death.

Ego death involves experiencing the true nothing.
An experience one will have no real words for it; because it is beyond words.
Not in the same way alexithymics do with emotions, but it's something much more incomprehensible for most humans.

And true nothing is not a form of hollowness.
It is much scarier and way more beautiful than that.
It's not losing the contents, more like the container is gone.
Thus countless metaphors to describe the indescribable, one of the words commonly use to describe it is 'nothing'. Because it IS.

Many people mistook for ego-death is actually a form of self-deprecating.
A coping mechanism I was unable to learn.

It never sink into my head that 'my existence is wrong'; more like 'my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors are wrong' -- but not the 'I' in 'me', not my existence. I end up fighting for it instead.

But instead of proving people wrong about me; I want to prove that everything about being a human is just as wrong. And that the world the humans made is even more wrong...
Even if I gained a glimpse and a hint of the grand design; I still continue to pursue this hate driven knowledge seeking.


I also wonder...
This self self-learning thing is a long time habit of mine since I have to make do with it.

The alternative was more food, screentime, whining and actually bothering other people while feeling guilty about it; no learning, no insights...
No damage control. I still cannot afford therapy and meds.

But I shall consider this state as a great tool for me to possibly solve whatever problem I have deep down.

Maybe a chance to change my habits.
One step at the time. One day at the time.

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I think I'd like to become unreadable

I’ve gotten pretty good at being invisible. I think I’d rather fly. That sounds like more fun.

Yeah it's funny you should interpret that as invisible because that's not what I meant

I wasn’t interpreting your comment. I was just saying something random about myself. Maybe your comment made me think of it in a peripheral sort of way.

Yeah that's what I thought after I thought about it.

I hope you can find your wings TP

I'm wondering if having bad sinus headaches for a few days in a row could cause someone who does not have bipolar disorder to experience symptoms of a low grade manic phase that last a couple weeks after the person is feeling physically better Maybe it'll be a good idea to increase my OCD medication & antipsychotic for a bit

Your good Babybird..,change is not easy...... not even a committment.. just a better pattern for touself to get better results...best wishes with the head shrinker .. ..Been outta town myself ..Needed alittle personal escape from the regular day...and besides got to catch up with good people ..that care.

I always have a tin of ravioli before I go and get shrinked

Thanks Jakki. I never thought of it that way but maybe there's something in that

I wonder if I'll get a certificate when I finish my course of treatment

He said that he's pleased with the progress that I've made and that he can see how I've changed as well (I was only saying that myself the other day) and that I'm the most hardest working patient

I love getting patronised me