Hello and sharing struggles

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Hello! I am a 47 female diagnosed with autism 4 years ago. I have an Nt partner and 2 early teens. One might also be on the spectrum.
I have lost my mum recently (already lost my dad a while back) and life and parenting has become more challenging of late.

I know I need to voice my troubles and I am not good at that because I am scared of being judged for it but keeping them in is so hard. And it is also terribly lonely.

I guess I am hoping someone will relate. And maybe shares theirs too.

Thank you for reading me.

Welcome!
I was lucky in which I had a partner who would listen and not judge.
There was a realization that I needed time to unwind in the garden but that can be difficult if you have parenting responsibilities. But maybe that won't be so hard as they gain independence?

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

Welcome to WP!

That's where having a good therapist can help. It gives you someone to unload to without judgment, and possibly give you some insight on how to handle these issues. Doesn't necessarily need to be a therapist who deals specifically with those on the spectrum but that would be preferable.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find comfortable company here.

My Mom died in 1986. I felt pain from that for ten years, after that I just missed her.
My Dad died last year. I frequently think of things it would be fun to discuss with him.

At least they still live in me (and my siblings). Sense of humor...attitude on life...medical issues...

Thank you all for your welcome and kind words.
My partner has been supportive throughout my diagnosis and the death of my mum. Then he lost his 3 months later. Navigating through all this as well as looking after the kids has been challenging. My son struggled particularly or at least he is more vocal about it than my daughter. For me, loosing my mum has brought so much from the past, certain things I still struggle with today. There are so many conflicting feelings that I feel I need to go through. I guess that’s grief.
I have thought about seeing a therapist but I have always been so self reliant it is difficult to change. I’m trying though.

Hello (I feel like "welcome" would be a bit over-reaching since you've been here longer than me ) I have very different struggles but I relate to not being able to voice them. I don't know why I can't voice them, though. Your explanation is something for me to think about. Thank you for sharing that.

I had a huge build up of unexpressible emotions I could never release into words over a lengthy period of time (almost 40 years worth) due to trying and trying to express myself to doctors to try and find out what the shutdowns were (Knew nothing about autism back then) that I used to ask my Mum if I could be seen by a vet where I would not have to talk and just be examined!

Then (Very long story) "Discovered autism" as a sort of link-possibility, and took me two years due to mindblank to actually ask a doctor if I was on the spectrum as I knew what I was experiencing (Shutdowns) had the same type of triggers as autistic meltdowns. I expected a yes or no answer! With the reply the doctor said, it was plain she knew nothing about autistic shutdowns (I didn't know they had a name back then), but she put me forward to the assessment team to see if they would accept me. (They did).
Then a few months later I hit a massive burnout which scared me as at one point I found myself standing in a car park not knowing what to do as my mind had forgotton how to walk!
Discovered the autism team had an open day the day after my last day at work. Managed to get there as it was in my nearest town, and when they saw me they knew I was in a state. They wanted to push me forwards on their waiting list but they were told they were not allowed to, but it was the first time I had EVER met another hu!man being that understood what I was going through, and it was like a dam bursting inside! It was like the first few bits of a dam breaking that day, and after that the whole dam came down! SUCH A MASSIVE RELIEF!

Why do I write this?

Because some things need some sort of inward lever or trigger to be released before the inward build up of unexpressed emotions can flood out! (And I don't neccessarily mean one is emotional by using the term emotions... I mean the build up of inward unexpressable pressures if that makes sense?)
And once this build up is released, one can find words to use to talk about it. I could never even talk in the past, as my mind could not express the build up of feelings into words. And though my vocabluary is not that great, I am usually good at using words. But this I was unable to do until that moment, and all it took was someone to understand what I was inwardly going through and "WHOOSH!"

Everyone has trouble sharing their troubles.

I grew up going the some of the best schools in the country.
This allows me to emphasize with upper middle class people.
I can listen and say the right things.
They don't get to share some of their troubles with normal people.
Normal people just wouldn't understand.

I feel this self reliance (which I use in many areas and which I think is ultimately meant as self preservation) has often kept me away from seeking help. This in turn makes me feel rejected, unloved, insecure. I am trying to open up more, to people who I feel will receive it with empathy and kindness. And in little doses. It can be scary but it does free me a bit. Good luck in voicing yours.