I Don't Think I'll Ever Stop Being Miserable

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The Grand Inquisitor
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04 Nov 2023, 10:17 pm

I feel like a plant that was planted on infertile soil, that has accordingly underdeveloped with time, but is assaulted with a barrage of expectations that it be like the other plants that developed normally.

I'm incapacitated by grief and despair. I feel such a burning sense of indignation about what I've had to go through.

Influences in my early life (mainly tv and movies), as well as difficulties with connecting and being accepted by peers early on made the idea of having a romantic partner very appealing. The idea appealed to me even before puberty.

But then come the onset of puberty and my interest in having a romantic partner intensified. Then my younger brother outpaced me and got both his first and second girlfriends within a 6 month period when he was 12 and I was 13. Even back then, I had a serious problem with the fact that my younger brother had been able to get two girlfriends before I'd even had my first. I remember having meltdowns about not being able to have a girlfriend at 13-15.

The fact that I've grown into a 27 year-old man who has never dated fills me with unbridled turmoil. I've suffered the whole way along to get here, and if this is what life is, I'm suffering far too much to say it's worthwhile. I'm really, REALLY dissatisfied with the fact that I missed out on dating as a teenager/young adult, and the best I can theoretically do now is have my first girlfriend in my late 20s, which is a farcry from an age I would have been satisfied to start dating at, and there's still a high chance that it won't happen now anyway.

Never having been able to date has left me feeling insecure, like there must be something intrinsically wrong or unattractive about me. I also feel insecure with my lack of dating experience, and I'm afraid I'll be rejected for it or mess up on things I'm expected to know because of it. My confidence is very low in this context, and I just feel so depressed, flat and hopeless that I have no optimism or drive to put myself out there and give myself a chance of meeting people, because I can't conceive of anyone wanting me now despite the vulnerable, withdrawn, emotional wreck I've been molded into.

I can't see that I'm ever going to be able to date like a normal person with confidence in my appeal and dating skills. I can't fathom how my current situation could improve given the history, and the effect it's had on my emotional state.

I will never accept living in a paradigm where most people get to experience love and romance but I'm the unfortunate freak who has to reckon with the agonising pain of a lack of physical intimacy and a lack of being wanted. Words can't express how repulsive I find this predicament, and yet it never ends.

A life of such potent and continuous suffering is not worth living. I'm livid that I've had to live with this for such a painstakingly long time. I just want it all to end.



goldfish21
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05 Nov 2023, 1:49 am

And perhaps someday it all ends.. with a first date, then another, and eventually a relationship. I hope you stick around and carry on doing things that bring you joy while you wait to find out.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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05 Nov 2023, 3:26 am

goldfish21 wrote:
And perhaps someday it all ends.. with a first date, then another, and eventually a relationship. I hope you stick around and carry on doing things that bring you joy while you wait to find out.

I hope that happens, but it's hard to believe that it's going to when I'm not even able to put myself out there to meet people because I'm too depressed. I would have to believe that I had a chance with someone in order to risk the pain of rejection and ask them out, which is pretty unlikely to happen, and a woman asking me out is even more unlikely.

Even if I managed to get a date, it might not go any further. Even if I somehow achieved the impossible and established a relationship, it might not last, and I don't see myself handling the breakup of my late first relationship very well, especially if it appears I'm going to be long-term single again. I'm also concerned that I could end up with someone who doesn’t treat me very well, but end up staying with them because it would be that or going back to being lonely.

It's possible that things finally work out, but I wouldn't deem it a likely outcome. Even if I met someone tomorrow and she was all that I've ever wanted in a partner, I don't think I'd ever say that the adversity I've had to reckon with to get to this point was worth it. I'd be comfortable saying that this predicament has largely ruined my life thus far, and certainly my mental health.



Patrick22348
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05 Nov 2023, 3:40 am

Just so you know, finding love is not the end all be all, it is like porn, once you seen it you want something else.


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05 Nov 2023, 3:59 am

Sorry you are going through those feelings, like f*****g hell I feel like I am luck to have found a guy who is at heart as much of a goblin as I am. Idk though we are both people that could have ended up remaining single well into our 40's but we like each other maybe more than is healthy idk, but either way we are team together and if the world goes to s**t, we will go out fighting for water rights on mad max looking vehicles..that is how we will die if the water wars get that bad in our lifetime.

but goddamnit you also deserve someone who appreciates you, these things are saddening because I found my guy who needed someone, but so many others out there have not found a person for them, but i cant do anything about that as I have found mine and yeah not going to betray that. But idk why aren't there more girls like me to date these guys..I mean sure I am a feminist but in the way of all people should have equal rights and I am not going to look down on someone because they only make a bit more than I can earn with part time work. LIke girls want money and cars...what the hell would I do with that if I don't have a good relatoinship. LIke I don't want my boyfriend to spend all his money on me I just want to spend time with him. Him the person I love....like if I had the choice of a millionare life if I gave up my boyfriend....vs live in poverty forever with him I'd choose the poverty forever if that is the only way we can remain together, but I won't complain if we win the lottery someday.

BUt I am just one person and so I can only do that for one person, idk where are them girls like me...but well we're desperately using dating apps to find people because of feeling to socially akward to go up and talk to random people But also my current boyfriend sent a lengthy messege first of how he wanted to meet up and a bunch of stuff....and well I couldn't resist I for sure wanted to meet him after that. So idk maybe you could find someone if you just put a real profile out and maybe put a couple messeges out to girls that seem they could be compatible or interested. I know is disheartnening if it seems like you get no luck...but maybe there is a woman out there lonely like you with simular interests you could establish at least a friendship with.

And idk like if I was single, I'd certainly be looking your way...not trying to be weird but not so sure you are as unattractive as you think you are.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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05 Nov 2023, 4:40 am

Patrick22348 wrote:
Just so you know, finding love is not the end all be all, it is like porn, once you seen it you want something else.

This comment is missing the mark with what I'm going through. My grievance isn't even that I haven't found "the one" yet, it's that I've had an intense longing to have a girlfriend since puberty, and the fact that I haven't been able to have one despite wanting one so much and for so long makes me feel frustrated, worthless and depressed. The fact that I'm so far behind everybody else my age with romantic experience despite the fact that I really, REALLY wanted to have a coming-of-age relationship makes my blood boil. I don't blame individuals or even society, but I am angry that this has been my lot in life.



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05 Nov 2023, 8:43 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Sorry you are going through those feelings, like f*****g hell I feel like I am luck to have found a guy who is at heart as much of a goblin as I am. Idk though we are both people that could have ended up remaining single well into our 40's but we like each other maybe more than is healthy idk, but either way we are team together and if the world goes to s**t, we will go out fighting for water rights on mad max looking vehicles..that is how we will die if the water wars get that bad in our lifetime.

but goddamnit you also deserve someone who appreciates you, these things are saddening because I found my guy who needed someone, but so many others out there have not found a person for them, but i cant do anything about that as I have found mine and yeah not going to betray that. But idk why aren't there more girls like me to date these guys..I mean sure I am a feminist but in the way of all people should have equal rights and I am not going to look down on someone because they only make a bit more than I can earn with part time work. LIke girls want money and cars...what the hell would I do with that if I don't have a good relatoinship. LIke I don't want my boyfriend to spend all his money on me I just want to spend time with him. Him the person I love....like if I had the choice of a millionare life if I gave up my boyfriend....vs live in poverty forever with him I'd choose the poverty forever if that is the only way we can remain together, but I won't complain if we win the lottery someday.

BUt I am just one person and so I can only do that for one person, idk where are them girls like me...but well we're desperately using dating apps to find people because of feeling to socially akward to go up and talk to random people But also my current boyfriend sent a lengthy messege first of how he wanted to meet up and a bunch of stuff....and well I couldn't resist I for sure wanted to meet him after that. So idk maybe you could find someone if you just put a real profile out and maybe put a couple messeges out to girls that seem they could be compatible or interested. I know is disheartnening if it seems like you get no luck...but maybe there is a woman out there lonely like you with simular interests you could establish at least a friendship with.

And idk like if I was single, I'd certainly be looking your way...not trying to be weird but not so sure you are as unattractive as you think you are.




:heart:

THIS


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Jakki
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05 Nov 2023, 9:24 am

Echos the above comments aswell .^^^^^^


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The Grand Inquisitor
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29 Mar 2024, 8:10 pm

Thanks @Sweetleaf @Issy @Jakki. I've come to realise that it's possible for women to find me attractive. Unfortunately the realisation took too long and now even when they're interested initially, a brutal combination of autism, severe depression and developmental identity issues sabotage my ability to handle the situation appropriately.

I met someone who I know for a fact was initially interested but then lost interest when I was too awkward too many times. Unbelievable.

I'm incapacitated by my issues such that it's hard to connect with other people. I can't stand the position I'm in right now. I'm so far behind the 8 ball, I can't cope with my existence as is, and I'm finding that I'm too fragile at this point to weather the waves of the dating game. Nothing's ever going to be able to make up for what I missed out on, and with that I highly doubt I'm ever going to be satisfied with whatever happens now.

The only way I'd get my happily ever after is if I met someone I was particularly physically and emotionally attracted to who never breaks up with me, because a breakup will destroy me too. Given how things have already transpired, I can't help but perceive I'm only going to be in for more pain with how things are actually going to play out and it's not worth it. I don't think I can offer a partner enough at the moment to make it worth their while to give me what I need, or be patient with me as we get to know each other but I'm also literally ready to die in the position I'm in. I've ordered my utility to aid in that process, so I finally have something to look forward to.

The last thing I want to point out is how crappy it is that trauma from loneliness is a stigmatised subject in the dating arena. If I had been in an abusive relationship or cheated on or something like that, I could address my trauma with the person I was trying to date and I'm sure they'd be willing to accommodate, but never having dated imputes a low status and incompetence, so the general dating approach is to keep those sorts of issues under wraps until you've gotten to know the other person well, but that's a really tall order when these issues impact every area of my life pretty much constantly. I can't imagine being on a date with someone I'm into, telling them about how difficult never having had a girlfriend has been for me, and them wanting to stick around, but I think I really need someone who's going to be understanding about that. It's not going to happen soon enough.

Happy endings simply aren't inevitable, and there's only so much a person can take.

Hopefully something miraculous happens before my package comes.



sr71
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30 Mar 2024, 3:48 am

I am so sorry you feel like that and my heart goes out to you, and I recognise many of those feelings but please don't give up. I am lucky or so I thought, I managed to fool the whole world after much practice that I was normal I have been married twice. I now eat antidepressants like Smarties and had a breakdown from the effort of trying to fit in and be someone I'm not. So my advice is to try and find someone who loves you for being you, I feel just as lonely as you but am married. But some honest advice about dating and I was terrible at it but realised that I could turn my weakness into a strength. Ironically long before it had been suggested that I was on the spectrum.

So a couple of ideas that are not so corny.

I have been trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out but have no idea if you like me in that way. If I have got it wrong I am really sorry and I hope that you will just take as a compliment that I think you are really nice. I promise not to ask you again I wouldn't want to make you feel awkward.

On a date try to be interested in what she wants to do either for the next hour or for the rest of her life.

You don't have to be smooth-talking Adonis but mentioning that she looks nice when you first meet will probably go down well but you don't have to overdo it, it can sound a bit creepy.

Then the most scary thing of all, the end of the date. I passionately believe in equality and alcohol in this situation in moderation of course. so offer to buy the drinks or the meal but only if she is ok with that. That implies that you are happy to spend your money on her but respect and understand her choice if she wants to pay. The last point is perhaps not so pertinent today but shows my age of 55.

So to the end of the date, I used to say something like I have a confection to make I am absolutely terrible at reading people so if you have been trying to make it obvious that you think I am the most amazing man you have ever met I promise you I wouldn't have picked up on it. Or perhaps maybe the opposite I genuinely have no idea. But someone has to go first. so I have really enjoyed your company and would love to see you again If you don't feel the same that's quite all right but I have enjoyed the evening anyway. If she is sitting on the fence she might just give you another chance and if not then you have made it easy for her to decline a second date. so no one feels too embarrassed, and if she is not nice about letting you down gently you are better off without her.

I hope some of the advice is helpful and I won't be torn apart by the women on this site if I have offended some of them. As men that seems to be a risk we run just by breathing, And Remember this advice comes from someone who is married for a second time and isn't happy so clearly I haven't got it all worked out yet.



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30 Mar 2024, 11:10 pm

Don't give up. I have poor social skills, am awkward and weird but somehow not only managed to get married but also got pursued by someone younger than me and ended up having an affair... It happens. FWIW I think the most important thing is not being confident per se, but being confident about who you are.


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31 Mar 2024, 2:43 pm

I don't like the idea, myself. They say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. but, it is Also possible that the problem doesn't get solved - which is the OP's chief complaint. That and lack of a Time Machine to go back and re-live certain segments of life differently.

All that aside, my issue with it is that while it may stop a certain pain, it also prevents ALL possible future potential - and none of us have a crystal ball to know what moments await us. It might be that we resolve our problems after all, or it might be that our fate would have us at the right place & time to be the hero or make a difference in some way or another. It might be as a first responder to an injury, accident, fire etc, or as an example to a younger person that goes on to achieve great things from our wisdom & guidance, or to be there to assist in someone's time of need, to teach, to share, to heal or make laugh, to console.. or simply to Enjoy.. who knows? There are moments of immense value in everyone's lives and until we meet our natural end we don't yet know which moments, how many of them, or when they're to occur. What we do know is that if we make one single decision - an unalive decision - then we instantly delete all possibilities of any of those moments to transpire, also deleting the ripple effect that any of those moments have on others and their lives, and in turn the people they interact with after that moment with us. It's for those reasons, never mind any spiritual or religious beliefs about being sent to begin the cycle again sort of stuff, that I just don't really see it as an optional treatment for depression. There's just too much potential for good to happen and really gets in the way of any of it ever happening.


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03 Apr 2024, 3:15 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I met someone who I know for a fact was initially interested but then lost interest when I was too awkward too many times. Unbelievable.

I could possibly be mistaken about this reading. I think she might still be interested after having spoken to her again.

Naturally, I'm going to give this the opportunity to play out before I do anything drastic.



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04 Apr 2024, 1:17 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I met someone who I know for a fact was initially interested but then lost interest when I was too awkward too many times. Unbelievable.

I could possibly be mistaken about this reading. I think she might still be interested after having spoken to her again.

Naturally, I'm going to give this the opportunity to play out before I do anything drastic.

A fine example of "You don't know what you don't know." Like, for an example, when a moment is going to come along the Could be a life changing opportunity.

If you delete yourself, you eliminate all possibilities of future moments like that, and the potential good that might come from them.

Worth sticking around just for possibilities, IMO.


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04 Apr 2024, 9:53 pm

Please ,, do not base your self worth on any other Person. 8O ..Oh Grand One ..People seem to be more attracted to those who do hold themselves, in a goid regard beside,, it has seemed to me .In my Past . :D


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The Grand Inquisitor
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09 Apr 2024, 10:56 pm

Of course it didn't work out with the lady as always. I asked her out and she said no.

I don't have the stomach for all this BS in dating at this point. What I really need to be happy is for things to just click and me to meet someone who I know is interested where I don't have to be second-guessing everything that takes place in the interaction or worrying that they’ll reject me for any number of things. But that simply doesn't seem viable, and certainly not soon enough. I just can't handle any of this, and I'm confident I won't see the end of the year if I don't goddamn FINALLY get my first girlfriend. In fact, now that I have my package, may not last to the end of the week.