Life is a complete mess

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I've never posted in the haven before, but feels like the world is completely against me at the moment (well some of this I bought on myself I suppose, but not intentionally.) This post will probably be long, but I just feel like I need to say it out loud somewhere. I hope that's ok.

Where to start. In Sep 2001 I lost a much wanted baby to late miscarriage. It felt like my world fell apart. I was desperately in love with the father, but it was an unhealthy relationship (he was married to someone else) and after I lost the baby, I found it harder and harder to deal with the negative aspects of the relationship. I developed an eating disorder and my life spiralled out of control. As I worked with my partner and couldn't stay away from him, I took drastic action. I sold my house, gave away all my stuff except for my guitar and a suitcase of stuff, left my job and ran away. I wanted to start a new life and find a way to 'do the right thing'. Had a bit of an adventure for a while, eventually fell in love with someone and I thought this was me 'doing the right thing'. We got married had two more miscarriages, then had two kids. Eldest is autistic, youngest probably too, but not diagnosed. Over the years, I became more and more unhappy. Husband had anger issues from awful childhood and I have 'must do the right thing and shape myself to fit whatever people want of me' issues which didn't help either of us.

In August husband said he was done with us and wanted to leave. I was very upset, but also felt that perhaps I would be happier if our relationship was over. In the period between him saying it was over and him actually moving out he became terrifyingly angry and mean to me. It was really really scary. I was glad when he actually left the house in September because I was in quite a bad way with his behaviour and not being able to say anything about it. So then suddenly I have a house (rented) and garden to maintain, a 15 & 9 year old with their own issues, a part time job and a needy rescue dog to try and care for all by myself and not enough money to pay the bills. I'm not a natural carer. I'm a natural loner. My parents are both dead, my friends are not that close. So the last couple of months I've been basically doing tasks from morning to night trying to keep everything together, I've had a lot more energy than usual from somewhere which has helped, but underneath the constant activity, I am exhausted.

Then Monday my work entered a 45 day consultation period about a new staffing structure. My job (which I love and has been the thing keeping me going since I started and especially during the last few months) no longer exists. They have created new roles, which at present I can't fulfil, so if we (me, fellow employees, union) can't get some changes made I'm going to be made redundant.

On top of this I've fallen in love with a colleague. He is very kind and nice to me, but also seems unavailable. He says he will do things, but then doesn't. He's kind of an enigma and has been alone for a long time. I think possibly undiagnosed aspie. I feel like it shouldn't matter, he's lovely and we always have fun together at work, we just get on so well. I have very little to offer him really anyway, I've got so many responsibilities already. He does regularly do things for me. It's just he has been saying he'll give me his phone number for weeks, but never does, and he has said several times he'd like to take me out for a walk somewhere, but whenever I contact him about him he doesn't reply or says he can't. It's really hard to figure out. I don't know why he is saying he'll do things that he doesn't. I would much rather he didn't say it if he didn't mean it. It shouldn't matter I suppose, I wish I could just hold that part of it lightly and enjoy what we have, but I have this tendency to become obsessive about things - not outwardly, but in my mind I have thought about him obsessively for a long time and so my feelings for him are not balanced with what has happened in real life. That's my own failing - I need so much space in real life. My inner world and outer world do not match up.

I've done so much more in the last few months than I ever thought I would be capable of, my world as a wife had become so small and so isolated, I don't think My ex or I ever thought I'd be able to cope. And I have up to now.

But then yesterday I started to notice eating disorder thoughts have started to come up again and I just feel so tired, keep finding myself crying but I don't know why (my EQ is stereotypically low, surprise, surprise). I don't know how I will keep going. Feel like life is playing an experiment with me to see just how far it can push me until I break to pieces.

Do you think the guy is shy or maybe he does not want to leave his mother so is scared? Or maybe he has had past scary experiences? Or maybe he is already married?

You are doing well. What is not ideal is that you need holidays to de-stress in with your kids. This is the part I feel the UK fails on because our rules and laws make holidaying expensive and why should we pre-book and give all our personal details?
But what you need is a very cheap but nice break now and then with your kids just to relax...

Then hopefully this will refresh you enough to work things out.

Is there a line of work you can do for another employer instead for future job security? (Not saying you should but it can be an option to take your mind off the stresses of things. If you can, (May be impossible) put a pound aside a day or a week etc, to gradually save incase you find yourself unemployed as there is a period of time before any benefits kick in. Also, be aware the internet systrm to sign on is horrendus. When I had to claim sickness benefit I went a month doing nothing. because I had the doctors sick note (Which the autism team helped get as I didn't know how to speak to my doctor to say my feelings or talk direct as direct tslk gives me mindblank at doctors, and is extremely difficult to put feelings into words or express my inner feelings outwardly if that makes sense? When I told what I had been inwardly going through when calling in where I used to work (As is a retail store) they were in shock becsuse they didn't know, and I was kinda surprized that they didn't know as well! So outwardly does not always do what inwardly does if that makes sense? Ohh. Get to the point Mountain Goat!
I was very fortunate that one of my Mothers friends works for a charity called Mind and she was really well used to those online forms! So she helped me fill them out.

Apologise as I write too much and don't say what I said in small sentences.

Thanks for replying Mountain Goat. I've not been on WP for a number of months, but always enjoyed reading your posts.

The guy I like is definitely not married, and I think just has his own issues, but is very private about those issues. He is a kind person, just at arms length I think is how he likes to live his life. I don't mind that really, as I can understand it. It's my own fault to have become too obsessed. Maybe as a result of having been so unhappy and the thinking I'd been doing has cheered me up.

Yes, you are probably right, taking some time out for a holiday would be good, maybe get a new perspective. I can't afford it, but I could at least take some of my leave from work and spend time at home to de-stress. I am bad at taking leave, because my work makes me happy. I will do that.

I have already had to engage with Universal Credit as I couldn't pay the bills on my wage, so I've gone through all the form filling and everything. I got Citizens Advice to help me. It's so complicated. Hopefully that will be something that will support me if the worst happens at work. I've no idea what job I can get. Probably retail/supermarket type stuff I imagine. I just have the complication of needing to fit hours around my kids, which I don't know how flexible they are about that. Also all the customer contact will be tough. I don't know, it just feels like too much.

Thanks MG

All the jobs I have had in the past have been dealing with people in one form or another though I preferred being round the back working with bicycles as it was easier to give my attention to them... But I ended up having all the past pressures that caused burnout/breakdown events associated in my mind with working with bicycles so I can't return to that enviroment.
I was really scared to take any job that involved driving because to relax my Mum and I just drive (She doesn't drive but she also relaxes when we just drive places in countryside areas usually on smaller roads. She pays for the diesel and I tend to pay to keep the car on the road (Insurance, Tax, MOT etc). Going through burnout I needed recovery and recovering was driving miles and miles and miles! Could not recover at home where I was as had constant visitors despite living in the countryside where we only had a few neighbours there and land all around our house. What I didn't want was for my mind to ever associate driving with work if I had another burnout/breakdown as it did when working with bicycles, as bicycle mechanics and bicycles was basically one of my special interests, and I was concerned hos it hit me. I was not even able to work on my own bikes, and the more I did nothing to try and recover... The more others thought I needed bikes to work on to recover? So they sent them my way and though I said "No" my brother overrode my "No" and had them bring their bikes up anyway which took me six months of forcing myself to repair just two bikes, as I couldn't get my mind to think of the next process I needed to do and needed a few days to a few weeks recovery after each process! I used to do those things with my eyes closed! . I darent risk my mind doing that to me when driving. I actually once found myself standing in the carpark where I worked (When I worked there) having forgotton how to walk. It wss scary as I didn't know what to do! I didn't even know how to ask for help if someone passed as I didn't know how to explain!)

So what I have learned in life is to take breaks when needed. As the mental change of a break doing something different makes a difference.
Do you have a friend or someone who could take you and your kiddies for an afternoons outing now and then? That would be good. Just explore somewhere different and scenic?

Sounds like such a rough time for you with the thing you loved doing being so difficult/impossible. Especially when those around you were trying to force you back to it! You’re right keeping driving as a non work thing is probably good. Your mum is lucky to have you there to drive her.
The new job role at my work now involves driving and having a car, but although I have a license I am so anxious about driving. Last year I bought myself a little car and thought I’d get back to it, but I was too anxious and lacking confidence, so I ended up selling it on after 6 months. Now I don’t think I could afford it even if I did somehow get over my anxiety. The kind of friend who would take me and the kids out sounds like a great person!! ! Sadly they don’t exist in my current life. I’m lucky at least I live in a nice area and go out walking lots (by choice and necessity). Walking helps me to process crazy thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for replying again MG