Do you tell white lies about your life?

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"I have nothing to hide," replied Garak.
 

The only white lie I can remember was when I was about 15 and I was so embarrassed to be wearing an old, hand-me-down pair of overalls that I told people I was working at a service station.
My memory is too poor to tell lies.

Only when I feel I have no safe alternative. I've given a few people in Arkansas the impression that I belong to the Church of England. They're staunch Pentecostals and Baptists here, and they tend to think that atheists have got something horribly wrong with them, though in many other ways those religionists are often really nice people. I've seen social media posts from some of them saying such things as "atheists hate God." Anyway it's not a complete lie I've told them. I went to an Anglican service a couple of years ago.

But I very much prefer not to tell an absolute lie. I'm less uncomfortable with letting people get the wrong impression and keeping quiet about things I don't think they'll like. I don't do that any more than I can help, and would rather not do it at all, but there is this thing called discretion, and there's a difference between hiding the truth for personal gain at other people's expense and refraining from blurting out whatever comes to mind at the wrong time. There are also people who will give you big problems if you tell them the truth, people who in my view forfeit the right to my complete honesty. Dangerous people for example. If you're 100% honest to somebody who's against you, you're giving them a lot of power over you that they're unlikely to reciprocate.

It seems to be the general consensus of the world that white lies aren't seriously immoral, and I have some sympathy with that view, though I'm never completely comfortable about lying.

So many funny and clever responses here, I enjoyed reading them all.

Isn't a lie, the how are you, fine thanks?

I do feel very awkward now when people start asking me questions about me, my job, my age and even if I am married and if I have children (I hate that part), I do not understand what all these have to do when you do not genuinely care about the other person, just for this nonsense social chat? It makes you feel as if you are being interviewed for a job, without the job, just for them to satisfy their curiosity. And oh I never forget how gossipy people are. What I say to them can easily become the favorite discussion topic of the village and their friends or family. NO I will not give them that satisfaction. Yes, I will say that occasional lie that is not far from the truth.

And oh how much I hate it when they ask my age. They never ask a lady her age, unless you are interviewing for a job. I am very sensitive to how society treats older women, it is not fair and this feeling of injustice has made me lie about my age in the past.

Other times I might just start talking and talking without being asked I and have to be very careful of what I say because I might disclose too much. Now I am aware of that and a bit more balanced about what they expect to hear and how to protect my self, and put safe boundaries. It felt sometimes, as if I am presenting facts to a court. Yes I have done scripting, to avoid all these from happening.

Also, in job interviews, yes I have lied mostly about how experienced I am and why I left

Basically, I want to feel free to be myself and not have to hide, because it worsens my impostor syndrome. I wish I would live in a society where gender, age, having children or not, my job , my salary do not matter to anyone. Why don't people ask what do you like to paint and when was the last time you felt creative. How did you sleep last night and what dreams did you have? What is the meaning of life?

I lie when I need to protect myself or my family in some way.

Elders in my church: “Are you repentant?”

Me: “Yes, what bothers me the most is the fact that I hurt Jehovah. ”

As if I gave a flying f**k about that.

In less extreme situations, if a person says, “how are you?” to be polite, I usually say “fine” or “good” when I’m not. I follow the script that you’re expected to say, mostly because I’d prefer to keep my feelings to myself. If I said “awful,” they’d want to know why which would lead to more awkward questions I wouldn’t want to answer. I value my privacy like some people value diamonds. Sometimes my inner world was all I could cling to. I’m not keen on sharing that with other people unless it’s entirely on my terms.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling white lies from a moral standpoint. I’m obviously very open online, but in my everyday life, I’ll lie if doing so protects me and my family in some way or if it benefits someone else, like keeping their feelings from getting hurt. I only lie if telling the truth would be harmful for some reason.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 19 Feb 2024, 6:35 am, edited 3 times in total.

Sometimes, people tell me stuff about themselves that doesn't really interest me. But it would be rude to say, "I don't care." But I can't really fake interest too well. So, I might say, "Cool," or, "That's interesting."

Literally, it's a lie. But it's not intended to give a false impression, it's just a ritual hailing signal that nobody takes at face value.


I've heard it explained as "name, rank and serial number" stuff. It's supposed to be useful as the first part of getting to know a person, to get an idea of the "lay of the land," and I gather it's taken as less invasive than diving in with deeper questions, and that the use would be (for example) they might need to treat you differently if you're married and / or have responsibility for looking after children. And it takes them time to get used to each other's company, so until they start to feel a bit safer they'll confine their talk to trivial matters. NTs often have quite a bit of social anxiety, it's not just an Aspie thing. But all that only applies to people with good intentions of course.


In the UK it used to be seen as rude to ask anybody their age or income, and especially rude to ask any woman her age. Apparently if she was asked, she was entitled to lie about it. Don't know if those things are still the same. In the USA, they don't seem to think it rude to ask people's ages, but I've not known anybody to ask about income.


I can still go and disclose a lot without thinking. I find it hard to see what damage it can do, and I still think a lot of it is less harmful than most people seem to think it is, but I'm probably unusually well-defended in many other ways, both emotionally and materially.


I think if anybody is completely honest at an interview and still gets the job, the employer is either astonishingly good or astonishingly evil. For most jobs it's probably impossible to get hired without lying. I think most people want a job for the money and they don't want to work any longer or harder than they have to, but see it as a necessary evil.


Yes that sounds like the Aspie tendency to immediately wade in with the deep stuff. I guess NTs see it as uncomfortably forward and invasive, but it depends on the culture, the individuals, and the situation.

Only to my mom nowadays because if I tell her anything about my life she'll harass me about how to improve it. And I'm obligated to talk to her for four hours per week. Luckily she's a narcissist and can yak about herself forever, so I just try to focus on her and her problems, or look at stuff online (she wouldn't have noticed).

I'm thankful to be living in a country where lies are usually not necessary.

What you wrote about being entitled to lie, is a huge relief, thank you! English people are very good at being kind! in my country when you don't say your age, they can consider you either old because you have a good reason not to say, or even more awkward and too much.
So, I used to say, "I prefer not to say due to the wrong conclusions" , now I will say I am entitled not to say.

>>[quote]I can still go and disclose a lot without thinking. I find it hard to see what damage it can do, and I still think a lot of it is less harmful than most people seem to think it is, but I'm probably unusually well-defended in many other ways, both emotionally and materially.>>[quote]

What do you mean, by well-defended?

I just remembered my brother telling me that I behave as if I am drunk in social gatherings with people . People would say " are you drunk/ are you always like that/ you are so funny (best senario)/ you must become an actor.

So then, discovered that you can lie, by using a funny approach and joke about it, that's most of the times, safe.

>>Yes that sounds like the Aspie tendency to immediately wade in with the deep stuff. I guess NTs see it as uncomfortably forward and invasive, but it depends on the culture, the individuals, and the situation.

Well- some will love it, some will find it awkward. Well if that person wants to be my friend, he/she d better accept me for who I am right? And it is the best way for us to show our real, awkward, intrusive, funny self. I hate masking and pretending to be normal, it is so boring.

I do, just to avoid complicated explanations.

Most of my lies are due to my ME/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) which is just very hard to explain. If I tell people about it I usually mean it as an apology, to explain why I can't do something, but they often see it as making excuses, so they resent it and it even makes them angry sometimes. So I usually downplay it.

As far as ASD, my experience is subtle because my ASD is mild, so I just don't bring it up, because people wouldn't know what I mean and it would only complicate things. I might say things like, "I'm awkward and shy," because that's something that people can understand.

But I actually wish I could just tell people the truth.

I try not to, mostly because I doubt I'll remember to keep them all straight later on. It's a lot easier to just be honest.

I do depending on the type of people. I noticed many can sense the social clumsiness emanating from me and ask me person questions to probe for gossip rather than genuine curiosity.

I can relate, but you can never say if it is gossip or curiosity. Most of the cases, they don't even know what it is!! ! I always assumed it their curiosity. But also a way of "breaking the ice", because people like to socialise for no obvious reason other than that! It might become the next gossip but you never know their intentions!

Well, whether or not they'll be OK about your saying that may depend on the local people's ways. It certainly used to be true in England, but I don't know if it is now. If I were asked my age and didn't want to answer, I might say "it depends who I'm talking to at the time," or something like that to dodge the question.


Emotionally well-defended: Insults don't easily upset me. If somebody hurls abuse at me or tries to poke fun at me, I'm quick to stop thinking that their views are important and I don't find it very difficult to hit back with insults of my own. I don't often take risks by going to places where I might not be welcome or doing anything that might lead to getting rejected. I don't mix with people who aren't nice to me. I'm a rather private person.

Physically well-defended: I don't often answer the door to strangers. I keep out of dangerous places. I keep my home secure against intruders.


I think there's a lot of truth in that. I don't mind altering bits of my behaviour a little bit if it helps to avoid upsetting people who aren't doing anything wrong, but I don't like to have to take it too far and to stop being myself.

I will occasionally tell white lies or (more often) talk around a certain topic if it's a thing someone doesn't need to know. Unfortunately my default mode is honesty so sometimes I tell the truth without thinking and later regret it.
Still, I think it's important to always have at least one person you can be completely honest with.

Very rarely
I'm usually honest to a fault. But I have been known to tell the odd lie.

For example, there's someone in my friend circle who I cannot stand, but I act as if we are friends just to keep things constant.

When to lie, for me is a very conscious choice.
When the pros are weighed against the cons.
And the lie is more beneficial to the other party and could not be mistaken as an effort of manipulation on my part.

Lies don't usually end well, so I try not to make too many of them.