Autistic boyfriend cheated accidentally

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This is not something i would normally do and it's a weird topic in general. My bf is a high functioning autistic individual, you wouldn't know he has it unless he tells you. He had issues with social cues and emotional responses. The two of us live apart in different countries and met through a game we play together online. He's the sweetest person ever and never lies about anything. We've had issues in the past with communication and he sometimes melts down and shuts down communication but we always get back on track when we talk it over.

My issue is that he ha been having a rough time with work life. They decided as a group at work to shut down early and everyone take the night off to go drinking together. He unfortunately over did the drinking and his inhibitions and sense of self wasn't right. A girl he works with has been attracted to him and snuck in his room at night and they slept together. He completely melted down and ran away from home hours away from where he lives to go to a friends place to just leave everything behind.

I'm pretty angry about the situation but not really at him. I'm angry at the girl who blew up our life just because she found him attractive. My bf has now shut down and is miserable about it all and i don't know how to help him understand i dont blame him. We were supposed to meet 3 days after the incident happen and i have rescheduled my flight to christmas week instead to give him time to calm down and chose if he wants to fix things. I think because we haven't been intimate I am not as attached to being angry at him about it like he wants me to be.

I am just lost on how to help him or if I should allow him to end our relationship as he wants because of this one mistake.

Even if someone is drunk, unless they are are too drunk with alcohol to consent to sex, then it wasn't an accident.

He chose to cheat on you, just like he chose to have sex with this woman.

I would break up with someone who cheated on me like that.

^ It kind of sounds like he was too drunk to consent, if he had drunkenly gone to bed and she snuck in.

Sorry to hear of the difficult situation. Not sure what to say. I rarely drink and have not really ever been any more than tipsy so I can't say I have experienced such things, but I have heard and seen others mess up when drunk and I think drinking in excess is a stupid thing to do! Have enough drunk-like symptoms when I get partial shutdowns. Would hate to be drunk as well!
I am so sorry it has happened as it must be hard for you!

If he loves you, he will come back to you as nothing will hold him away from you! If he does not know if he loves you then he may decide to go his own way.. BUT hopefully he will be back! Give him a few days!

how long have you and him been together?

You've never met him in person?

We were friends for months and then he had a death in his family and I was around to offer a place for him to talk without judgement or wanting anything from him unlike others in the game that needed his attention for clan things. We were supposed to meet in 4 days, I had conflicting calendar problems due to the fact I work 60 hours weeks march-aug and i also have a child. It took a while to arrange things and get a flight because its expensive.

He told me he's loved me a long time but was afraid due to past abusive ex's. I understood completely and with the economic situations after covid messing a lot of people up he was down a lot and stressed. He was excited for me to come to the point he couldn't hold back telling me after my divorce finally went through that he was happy because we were gonna be married and he was moving to where I was within a year if he could finish fixing his finances.

In total I've known him 1.5 years, and he asked me to be his this past march.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.
You were talking about marriage with someone you've never met, and you have a child?

Don't get me wrong. I understand falling for someone online but it sounds like this is all moving really fast. Given his behaviour it seems you don't know each other very well at all.

At the end of your post you also said he wants to end the relationship.

What am I missing?

Try not to be judgmental. The online dating thing was not something I've ever done. The point of meeting this Nov was to see if it would work. Me having a kid made it complicated from me to be willy nilly with my life because its not like i could fly out wherever at the drop if a hat.

We spoke every day and we got to know each other. Being physically in the same spot isn't always necessary to connect with someone. He had a melt down and can't cope now. He's having a hard time speaking to me because of guilt he feels for cheating from his view point.

I hope it all works out for you both.

I totally get it and I wasn't trying to be judgmental. I just didn't understand. You said he wants to break up so I wasn't sure what you were looking for in terms of advice, or how his autism factored into it.

If you want to stay together then stay together. I don't jump on the bandwagon of people saying it's an automatic breakup regardless of the circumstance. If you need couples' counselling or even infidelity counselling then that's something you can look into as a couple.

I guess I'm just unsure of what types of advice you'd be looking for from us. This is a private matter between the two of you, and all that matters is what you decide through mutual understanding.

I only caution against jumping in to relationships when you have a small child because I've been there myself, with disastrous results. I wouldn't let any man or potential partner near my kids again until I've known them a very long time, in person.

I'm sorry I'm just frustrated. I just want to help him through this whole situation because he doesn't want to talk about it and it's eating him alive. I do love him but besides being his girlfriend I'll always be his friend first. He thinks i should leave him and not forgive him because he can't ever forgive himself and his heads a mess from it.

I just want to provide him comfort and reassure him that running away from eveyone and everything isn't the answer to this mistake. I'm just not sure how to help him through this or what to say really to have him calm down and go back home and work.

Infidelity counselling helps the cheater identify and heal from their shame.
Maybe you could look into that.

I didn't even know that was a thing, I will look into it for him and have his sister recommend it.

My partner and I did a nine-month program, nearly every day.
It was very helpful.