bee33 wrote:
It's kind of a dance because yes you want to be genuine but also you have to be considerate, not just in terms of being polite but considerate of their likes and dislikes and points of view. Like if they say they like a certain type of movie, you don't have to pretend to love it but it would be off-putting to just blurt out, "I hate those movies." Or if you like to monologue about your interests and don't show any in theirs, that's not very considerate. You can still be yourself but tone it down a little so it doesn't overwhelm.
I agree with that. I've always tended to find most of my friends are rather mild-mannered, sensitive types. Not realising that, back in the day I'd begun to see that I'd been bottling my anger, which felt unhealthy, so I thought I'd better start letting it out more freely. I meant no harm. I didn't express it by attacking anybody very hard. I just shouted and slammed things down a bit, or I'd make blunt and vitreolic comments. I was surprised and disappointed when it scared people away. I was amazed at how careful I had to be to find less overwhelming, more constructive ways of expressing my anger.
I still struggle to listen to other people's interests in real time, and find myself hogging the conversation because my brain wiring is so slow to take in new information. If somebody presents a new idea, my initial gut reaction is often hostile, but if I'm given time I start to mellow and to appreciate it. That's not possible in a real life conversation. Dad used to do the same thing, and I wrongly judged him to be selfish. No doubt many people wrongly judge me to be selfish.