After a formal diagnosis

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In the last week I have had a formal diagnosis.

I will admit it was a stressful time, it seems to have unlocked a box in my mind from when in retrospect I went through an existential crisis more than 20 years ago. I was remembering it as it was back then, I was also getting the same feeling of total despair that I had then. It got to the point that I kept feeling ill, I was dreading coming to work and I was losing the ability to enjoy my other special interests. I felt my life was pointless and I started to question who and what I was and if like had a purpose.

Work conditions were making me physically ill, I also felt like I was not working sufficently hard. I was in what the modern generation would call a toxic workplace with some horrible coworkers (plus some good and decent ones). Some people were starting to make jokes that I was lazy, the worst day was when a mentor from some years before visited. After seeing that I was not doing very well he asked if I had turned lazy. To his credit my supervisor at the time did point out that I was working hard under dire conditions.

The reasons for the extreme sense of despair have gone from my life, back in the day I suffered from a lack of meaningful social life, I did not have a girlfriend and I also felt that I was failing in my profession. My profession is an adult extension of a childhood special interest.

I have both a BSc and a PhD in that subject, so it can be argued that my university days were me living out the special interest. In the years which went by I got together with an aspie woman (we are married with a kid now) and I have developed in my profession. I am known in my profession as the man to go to on some issues, within the community of people working on the exact topic which I made a my intellectual home in I am respected for my work. So I think that I am doing OK professionally. While I have not been able to fix my social life, I would say that two out of three is not bad.

When I had the meeting at which I got the news that I was officially autstic (The formal DX hopefully will open some doors to some help with some issues) the stress which related to the doubt and terror that they would say that there is nothing wrong with my has evapourated along with the worst of the feelings from about 20 years ago.

But since getting the official diagnosis I still feel very shaken up.

I was expecting to get diagnosied with autism, I had worked it out some years before. But there was a nagging thought that maybe I had misdiagnosed myself when I visited "Doctor Google"

Did any of the other people who got a formal diagnosis late in life have the same experience as I am now having ? Have you got any advice with the process of coming to terms with an official diagnosis ?

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

If you're anything like me after getting a late diagnosis, you will experience a broad range of feelings over a long period of time. There is a lot of relief at first, having the answers to a many questions. Sometime later, there is sadness because of a lack of support before your diagnosis. At some point there may be anger for similar reasons. There could be shame as well because you have some quirks or peculiarities that others find odd or weird. You may also feel a lot of confusion because you don't know who you are after camouflaging your entire life. Of course, you may eventually get angry at the fact that now that you've been diagnosed, there is still very little support and you may feel isolated and alone because of it. These things don't hit you at the same time, so be prepared that it may be a long process of adjusting and recovery.

When I first read the criteria for autism and did some online tests and felt as though I definitely had it.. I was devastated. Suicidal, even.

That was probably in 2009 or so.

Come my actual diagnosis almost a decade later, I was relieved to have gotten a diagnosis and put an official stamp on what I knew to be true anyway.

Hi there - our experiences share similarities. My diagnosis was about 5 weeks ago, so I can relate.

Although I’ve suspected for quite a long time, my diagnosis stirred up thoughts and feelings I really wasn’t expecting. There was relief, but also imposter syndrome.

Since diagnosis, I’ve been constantly reflecting on the past, and it’s been liberating to link events to autism. Also, I’m reflecting so much in the moment just after a happening, and being able to link these happenings to autism ‘officially’ has been a learning and liberating experience.

I have a Masters in autism, with distinction, yet feel like I’m going through it all over again, this time learning about myself - and that’s a good thing I think, as it helps me transfer what I already know.

Obviously I’m still on a journey, but the initial weeks were more confusing for me, and shaken up is a good way to describe it, but it’s starting to get less shaky.

Best of luck