Well, I had been able to find some peace for about three weeks, maybe less, when I felt enough compassion for him that I could see I was hurting him by begging him to stop hurting me, which was sometimes a barrage of emails because I was in so much pain I couldn't help it. But that moment simply passed. I am now back in unbearable pain and he hasn't sent me an email in 4 days and I have completely spiraled.
Worse, I'm at my sister's for the holidays which was supposed to be a respite, and it's not, it turns out, because I have leaned on her so much over the past nearly two years, talking to her on the phone every day, that she can't take it anymore. Today I woke up sobbing and have been crying all day, and although she is wonderful she just can't take it, and went to bed early with a migraine.
I don't know what to do anymore. This pain is permanent. It's been going on for nearly two years and it's only gotten worse, not better.