How to comfort people

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I often meet people who need comfort in my daily life and in the haven section. But simply agree with their feelings. "Right, right, right" looks very perfunctory especially with my peacefull face.

So I want to ask for some “formulas” to make me look good in this situation.

I walk away and leave "comforting" to the women.  The only exception I make is to my wife.

Yes, that seems sexist, but I get into less trouble that way -- no one accuses me of "hitting on" the distressed person or trying to take advantage of them in some way.

And I lost count of the number of times, when working the phones at a crisis call-in center, the caller (usually a woman) would ask to be handed over to a woman because "they're more sympathetic".

Sweet Pea hugs because I'm not very good with words.

Different people want different responses, so in real life I guess the first thing to do is to figure out what they want. Sometimes it's enough for them to just tell somebody what they're going through. A few empathic noises and gestures probably help, but I wouldn't do that unless I genuinely felt it. They might want advice or they might not. They might want a material intervention, or they might not. When in doubt, ask.

I've been told by a few people that I tend to make them feel better, but if so, I don't know how I do it. I don't see myself as a very tender hearted person, but other people's pain does tend to resonate with me and I like the idea of helping them out of it. But I don't know of any formula. I think just being there rather than walking away may be half the battle. Sometimes other people's problems can overwhelm me and I can feel like it's an unwanted invasion. That makes it harder to stick around.

I don't know what gender has to do with it, except that males may be more likely to pretend not to need comforting. In such a case I might try to mask my comforting actions, or I might just take them at their word and leave them to it, though I'd possibly indicate that they know where I am if they need me, or something like that.

Something I think usually helps to show you are invested is if you can ask a reasonable clarifying question, or make a reasonable inference from what they have said.

Perhaps basically similar to, "My house has flooded." "Oh no! Is everyone ok/was anyone hurt?" or asking about stuff, pets, etc. that you know might be important to them and involved.

If you can take that next step to think of their possible concern, it shows you internalized the information enough to work with it, which lets them know you were really listening and understanding. It fits well for me because it doesn't rely on conveying a very specific emotional response, but only on reasoning with a few of their emotional concerns as included factors. The other upside is that many people are good at showing a lot of elevated sympathy, but the thoughtful response shows cognitive empathy, which is more rare so can be extra appreciated.

This also opens up the option for you to hear more about their issue and learn more about what they are experiencing, because you've prompted a response but also because asking conveys you are interested in their life.

(This does rely on being in a situation where you have genuine interest in hearing more though, because if you don't actually then that might end up sad for both people.)

Food is a great way to comfort people.

I should add that sometimes just being there for the person & trying can be a big help.

A friend from Discord made this and I've found it fairly useful as a best practices guide.

I'm really good at sending handwritten cards and notes.
Verbal support? Nope.
I'll panic and go mute.