Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?

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WantToHaveALife
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06 Feb 2024, 4:21 pm

I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?



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06 Feb 2024, 4:26 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?
Yes.


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IsabellaLinton
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06 Feb 2024, 4:30 pm

Yes.
A portion of most communities are asexual.


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blitzkrieg
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06 Feb 2024, 4:35 pm

I think asexuality is more common amongst autistic folk than NT folk.

Source: my best guess.



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06 Feb 2024, 4:37 pm

Yes. It seems like asexuality is more common among people on the spectrum relative to the general population.

Atypical sexualities in general are more common among people on the spectrum. I seem to recall it's even a question on the diagnostic inventory.


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WantToHaveALife
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06 Feb 2024, 6:25 pm

yeah i started dating her in 2021, and thats also why some of my comments on here for the past months or more have been expressing bitterness and anger, resentment, since it was an unfulfilling relationship in that regard, another thing to mention, i stayed with her longer than i should have because i was hoping eventually she would open up or become more comfortable sexually around me, sadly didn't happen.

I also still get angry and depressed over this which obviously i'm aware is outside of my control, i envy and resent people who got to experience dating, having a relationship around the normal traditional timeline, as in, people who got to have a BF/GF in their teens and early 20s.

Yes, i'm aware i can't change the past, thank you for stating the obvious.



DanielW
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06 Feb 2024, 7:17 pm

A portion of ANY community is going to include asexuals. They are not unique to the autism community.



WantToHaveALife
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07 Feb 2024, 1:01 am

DanielW wrote:
A portion of ANY community is going to include asexuals. They are not unique to the autism community.


won't surprise me if that is true, but yeah, thats why a part me feels that i should not consider her an ex-girlfriend.



cyberdad
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07 Feb 2024, 1:20 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.


Yes it's an unfortunate discovery, especially if it's several weeks or months down the track when she says "no sex" and you've invested so much in the relationship. I think its a little unfair to label all women on the spectrum as more likely to be this way but if you are uncomfortable then simply stick to dating NTs in future.



IsabellaLinton
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07 Feb 2024, 1:59 am

I don't really understand the OP.
If this woman wasn't interested in sex it doesn't mean she was asexual.
She might have been, but did she say that?
If she did say that, it's not necessarily because she was autistic.
It's possible her autism had nothing to do with it.
Maybe she just wasn't ready.
Maybe she wasn't feeling the chemistry.
Maybe she had trauma.
Maybe she had gynaecological / medical concerns.
Maybe she wanted to wait to know you more.
Maybe it was against her religion or cultural practice.
Maybe she wasn't getting aroused.

The list is endless.

Unless she told you she was asexual, how do you know she was?
And, if she was, why would you be angry?


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Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 07 Feb 2024, 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

CockneyRebel
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07 Feb 2024, 2:01 am

A portion of any type of people are asexual and I'm part of that portion.


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cyberdad
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07 Feb 2024, 3:56 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I don't really understand the OP.
If this woman wasn't interested in sex it doesn't mean she was asexual.
She might have been, but did she say that?
If she did say that, it's not necessarily because she was autistic.
It's possible her autism had nothing to do with it.
Maybe she just wasn't ready.
Maybe she wasn't feeling the chemistry.
Maybe she had trauma.
Maybe she had gynaecological / medical concerns.
Maybe she wanted to wait to know you more.
Maybe it was against her religion or cultural practice.
Maybe she wasn't getting aroused.

The list is endless.

Unless she told you she was asexual, how do you know she was?
And, if she was, why would you be angry?


Yeah all valid points. You may want to throw in she might not have told the OP she might prefer other women to men for intimacy. Quite possible she valued his friendship but didn't find him (or perhaps other men) sexually attractive.

From the male perspective, many of us aren't in the top 5% of men who naturally attract women and need to work hard to find a relationship and then work on maintaining it. I kind of sense the OP is just frustrated and hurt, he just wants to ask if there is a higher risk women on the spectrum don't want sex. Of course any woman (including NT women) might have similar reasons that have nothing to do with their neurology.



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07 Feb 2024, 4:05 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.



WantToHaveALife
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07 Feb 2024, 10:31 pm

rse92 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
I wanted to ask, is it not unusual or not unheard of for a portion of people on the autism spectrum to be asexual?

Because I got out of a failed relationship a few months ago, the relationship was not entirely negative, here were the pros and cons of the relationship.

Positive part: when it came to the companionship and the mental and emotional support part or just being there for each other, hanging out and doing activities together, that was the good part of the relationship.

Negative part: my ex-girlfriend, she was not really comfortable with sex, or just doing anything further beyond kissing and making out.

Because of that, I feel that it wasn't a true relationship.

I also feel like I stayed with her longer than I should have but I was reluctant to break up with her for a while because I didn't want to become alone and Single Again, bigger reason and that is I didn't want or don't want to have to go through the drama or burden of having to put myself out there all over again.

Specifically, not wanting to go through the drama and hassle, burden, of having to do the pursuing and deal with courtship all over again, due to my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to make the first move and ask the woman out, etc.

She was also on the autism spectrum just like I am.

I wanted sex but she didn't.

Are a portion of people on the autism spectrum asexual?


Maybe she just wasn't into you. Occam's Razor would lead you to that conclusion.

I got news for you. If you do not want to court a woman, you deserve be single for the rest of your life.


Then i wonder why she bothered to go on dates with me or have some type of relationship with me, which i described.



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07 Feb 2024, 11:37 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Yeah all valid points. You may want to throw in she might not have told the OP she might prefer other women to men for intimacy. Quite possible she valued his friendship but didn't find him (or perhaps other men) sexually attractive.


Maybe, but it does seem kind of odd that she'd date him if she wasn't interested in men, or if she didn't find him attractive at all at least in the beginning.



cyberdad wrote:

From the male perspective, many of us aren't in the top 5% of men who naturally attract women and need to work hard to find a relationship and then work on maintaining it. I kind of sense the OP is just frustrated and hurt, he just wants to ask if there is a higher risk women on the spectrum don't want sex. Of course any woman (including NT women) might have similar reasons that have nothing to do with their neurology.


Fair enough. I get the frustrated thing, or maybe being disappointed / hurt, but I don't understand anger.
Maybe the OP didn't mean to use such a strong word.


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WantToHaveALife
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08 Feb 2024, 1:09 am

yeah, as few others have said, maybe she just wasn't into me, if that is the case, then i wonder why she let me kiss and make out with her, and do activities, go out together, meet each others families, etc.