Masking and dissociation, personas

Post Reply New Topic

Hello!
I am very new here..

I am very recently self diagnosed.. I have had support in my diagnosis from a clinical psychologist .. I am a psychologist myself, but have been unable to figure it out and also I had been convinced that I have borderline disorder. Now I have put the pieces together and can understand why I feel like an alien (actually my dad calls me an alien )

However, I want to share something, a feeling that I am struggling with and I would like to ask if you can relate at all. When I developed extreme dissociation to cope with stress, twenty years ago, I had no idea that I had autism.. I started thinking that its necessary to do some identity / character scripting, to find out who I was and how to behave. For example I would try to figure out who am I (based on my preferences, values and likes/dislikes) and how I can behave to be liked. So, a lot of times I would visualise a face with a particular set of characteristics and personality, thinking that that could be me, and try to mimic that out and see how it feels . I would figure out responses, and behaviors or even energies and how that persona is controlled by the environment, how behaves and what makes it special. I would even dress differently depending on what persona I felt that I should be. But the worse is - that I would be very confused by all the different combinations, all the different possible "right" answers and "right" behaviors and reactions.

That is where I struggle as the combinations and energies are endless.. In the end that mas made the dissociation even worse.

Has anybody suffered from something similar?Or am I just going crazy?

I can relate to this, although of course my experience has been a bit different. I tried on different personas too, dressed different ways, etc, and most of all I practiced scripts for situations I thought might happen, but all the practice and scripts and fretting about how things might happen, all the attempts to be prepared did not work.


Now I know it is because my visual and audio perception and processing do not work fast enough or accurately enough in any "real time" situation to be aware, to understand, to remember, to figure out which response I had prepared would be the right one.
In truth, for me, I will always get it wrong unless I am with somebody willing to explain a lot, ask questions to understand and allow me to ask questions to understand as well. Mostly I rely on printed words, reading or writing to obtain full understanding of any interaction.

I just will never have the neurology to do social or other interactions and be competent in "real time" situations.

In one way the discovery was devastating, but in another, a huge relief to learn that I have not been at fault, that it was not me "not listening" "not trying" "not paying attention" all those years of struggles and misunderstanding, but that my autism and my 25th percentile visual processing and my 35th percentile audio processing have been to blame all along.

I no longer feel as if I must attend things where I continually fail and flounder.

I find things to do, ways to get information and express myself that works best for me. No more meetings, lectures, plays, movies, tv, dinners with large groups, etc. What a relief!

Hope you find ways that work for you, no guilt, no shame, no blame for not living up to other people's expectations of you in any situation.

Autism for me was the answer to almost all my struggles in so many situations and now I know, I can find ways to self accommodate to make life and interactions with others more successful.

I recently had a family member come stay, to support them with a new bout of extreme de-realisation.

Being on the autism spectrum, your Sense of Self is referenced to people, places/settings, objects & routine. With anxiety the dominant emotion in autism, it’s little wonder that at the heart of dissociation & DR(derealisation) is that same anxiety.

Extreme DR is not for the faint hearted. It’s traumatic in itself & very frightening. There’s a high percentage of the population that experience dissociation, but only 2-3% experience it in its extreme form. While the root cause is anxiety, it can be triggered by stress from life events or relationships, & there’s also drug-induced DR.

In that extreme state, as an example, you likely find yourself terrified to enter previously familiar rooms or environments, find yourself teary, terrified & feeling like you’re going crazy. But, you’re not. Ironically, this is your brain’s way of keeping you safe, only, you find yourself at the mercy of this “mode” being switched back to “normality” as the brain can take anything from months to years to return to your usual normalcy, as it becomes stuck in this mode, as a form of self protection.

The key is Acceptance. It’s a vicious cycle as you feel you’re stuck in a cycle of fear. You likely find your vision is affected, your hearing, your ability to focus on someone talking. You may no longer have awareness of “hunger”. Headaches are common, along with sleep issues. There is said to be swelling in the brain, while in this state. The key to coming out the other side is “doing”. The more you can “do” the usual routines of your day, the more that you’re “in the moment”, as time goes on, your brain will learn that you are safe in reality. It’s a very cruel state of being that many wish they could activate a switch to turn it off. Many people experiencing this find themselves having to move back in with parents, take to their beds & require lots of support along with daily pep talks to get through on a daily basis.

Having different personas for different settings if you’re on the spectrum, is not uncommon. Unlike neurotypicals, those on the spectrum have a fragile sense of self. This never changes. What can happen though, is that you can find yourself building up layers of protection, personas that help ensure your safety & ability to function in various settings. There are some that never are able to do this, but for those who “mask” in this way, it can allow them to get by, even do well in a chosen field. There are of course downsides to masking though.

I’m sorry that you’re experiencing extreme dissociation & I hope that you can get back to your usual self, as soon as possible. There are activities you can do to help yourself. If you’re wanting further help with this, I do have some activities & videos I could share on this. I really feel for anyone going through this.

I did not find who I really was until I hit my late 30's when I stopped trying to be the person others were trying to fit me into. I reached the stage where I said "Forget trying to be who others want me to be. I will be myself" and myself was what I felt comfortabe with. It was like a weight left my sholders and I could breathe? As I stopped pretending to be someone else. (I was still masking, but masking to cope and not masking to "Fit in" as I had reached the point at that age when I realized I could never "Fit in!")

When in school, I was often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I had a few ideas which were not always that practical, so I learned to quickly turn the convefsation around and ask the adults the same question "What do you want to be when you grown up?" and was sometimes told off for being rude! (Puzzled me why it was rude as if it was rude why were people allowed to ask me?)

Can't thank you enough Juliette. You got such an understanding of how it is . I do feel understood here. When I visited a psychologist twenty and more years ago, frightened, and unable to function, she could not understand what I meant by extreme dissociation. So I sort of devised own ways to deal with it, thinking that it might be caused by a lack of knowing who I was. Yes, please do send me those resources.

So interesting that dissociation can cause brain swelling. One thing is for sure, my vestibular system sensitivities now made me seek help and I got an MRI planned ahead. Yes, my extreme dissociation was caused when I visited someone I had not known well, and smoked marijuana. In two hours, I felt like I was dying and was crying uncontrollably for days, shut down my windows and dropped out of university. I had eventually to go back to finish my bachelors with lots of reluctance and pressure from family (subject was boring, environment, was awful).

I hear you when you said acceptance .

The covid lockdown brought a huge change inside me, my autistic symptoms manifested so strong before my eyes that I could not ignore them, realized that I got a sense of self after all, it's just different and I can relate to others in my own unique multi-sensational, and non verbal way. I took me ages to accept that I have a different perspective.

I have never had support from my family, on the contrary my parents were very abusive and added up to my meltdowns. When I was a child, I would jump a lot and my dad would just beat me to stop it. I would also do a lot of somersaults until I broke my head twice. Nobody related that to autism then, not even my extreme vestibular system sensitivities. When I grew up they thought my meltdowns were due to being ill-tempered. My mum was extremely distant, suffering from a personality disorder, that made her abusive. They never tried to understand me and were constantly accusing me of stuff. Only when I saved my mum's life from Covid, she accepted and "saw" me. That triggered a feeling of love, change and acceptance inside me. Unbelievable how healing can be parental love.

Now I am trying to slowly integrate my self back into the reality and take on the things I used to love when I was a child, music and art. I am also applying for a Msc in a science subject. Isn't that what you mean by doing things?

If there is a second chance in life I want it.

Thank you again so much for the encouragement I really need it. It truly is so precious to me that someone can get it. I have been so exhausted and unhappy living under this state,it has led me into abusive relationships, and unable to pursue a career in science, despite my higher than average intelligence. And then I see others that have succeeded in life with much less intellectual gear than me and that triggers a feeling of failure. I do not have children either, but never cared about societal expectations.

I would love to listen to your suggestions and you can PM me those information any time.

I tried on different personas until the age of 41. I got tired of doing all those different British male personas and decided to be myself as you know me today.

Thanks Iris. I’m so glad if anything shared can help. You’ve been through so much & I’m so sorry to hear how difficult a life it’s been. You are stronger than you possibly know, so please hang in there & have faith in yourself. You clearly have the ability to achieve that Masters Degree & to live a life that brings relief & comfort to others, as much as to yourself.

Since I’ve learned that many others here on WP experience this, I’ve decided to share the following resources & information in this thread, should it ever be of use to others as well.

Expert’s Guide to Treating DPDR:


A highly recommended video:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv9n43MZWUc&t=9s&pp=ygUzYW54aWV0eWZpdG5lc3MgbXkgZXhwZXJpZW5jZSB3aXRoIGRlcGVyc29uYWxpc2F0aW9u

I'm a filmmaker. I'm also a photographer and writer, but filmmaking is my first love.

I've loved film since I saw 'Jurassic Park' in the cinema when I was 11 years old. And I've been lucky enough to pursue a career in filmmaking. In fact, I was just starting this career -- about to begin a Masters Degree in Film Studies -- when I was struck down by Depersonalization / Derealization in 2005.

For two years, DPDR put everything on hold. I had to quit my job, move home and live with my parents. I hardly went outside the door.

I stopped watching movies. I spent all of my days researching the condition. Depersonalization / Derealization literally took over my life.

The thought of getting into filmmaking - and my dream of becoming a director, with all the massive responsibility that goes with it -- seemed like a distant dream.

But eventually, I got better. Just like everyone can do, I recovered completely. And once I got my life back on track, I started making films.

Source: https://www.dpmanual.com/articles/my-short-film-about-depersonalization/?gad_source=1

Derealisation: Feeling disconnected(what to do about it):



How Does Stress Affect the Brain:
https://psychcentral.com/stress/our-brain-on-stress-forgetful-emotional?slot_pos=article_1&utm_source=Sailthru%20Email&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=weekly&utm_content=2024-01-03&apid=&rvid=b50197c0bb2fd68eb90a0f8ff2a37731a1dd091da5c6550c4f938c7d016cd1f7


Symptoms of Depersonalisation/Derealisation Disorder:
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/depersonalization-derealization-disorder-symptoms

DP is Not the Enemy:
https://www.dpselfhelp.com/threads/dp-is-not-the-enemy-recovery-tips-general.108061/

“How I Healed in One Word”:
https://www.dpselfhelp.com/threads/how-i-healed-in-1-word.108042/

Advice/Pep Talks from DR Forum

Fearless said:
Dear ….

you don't have to worry about whether your DP is drug-induced or not, it has nothing to do with how you recover. doesn't matter what is the trigger, you can always resolve DP. believe me.

stop worrying about it, and stop worrying about the symptoms.

DP symptoms are perpetuated by the fear of them, and the basic belief you hold, which is "there is something WRONG with me or the world". that's the belief, and the constant search for the "wrong" thing is what makes you feel bad.

#10 · Sep 17, 2013
Prolonged depersonalization is because you are continually thinking about what is. When you think about what is, then you get more of what is. When you think and imagine how you wish to feel, then that becomes the reality that your mind begins to move toward. The deeper mind is a powerful tool to your life, and it is the part of which you cannot comprehend the full potential of what it does. There is no drug cure to depersonalization, but a simple switch in the nature of your thoughts, feelings, and imagination.

******************

The following may seem overwhelming initially, so to start you might begin by simply allowing the symptoms to be there. From there, introduce one activity at a time. Tolerate what you can tolerate. You’re training your brain that the symptoms are not harmful or dangerous.

Exercises to help: An extensive list can be found in the book “Exposure Therapy For Anxiety” by Abramowitz, Deakin & Whiteside.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Exposure-Therapy-Anxiety-Second-Principles/dp/1462539521/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2DC8060XKZFGO&keywords=exposure+therapy+for+anxiety&qid=1707778176&sprefix=Exposure+Therapy+%2Caps%2C86&sr=8-1

Keep a journal of your daily exposures(as described in video) … the following examples of exercises are designed to train your brain, through these “exposures” that you are not afraid of the DPDR symptoms. Only by letting go of the fear, will they fade & eventually disappear. Practise at letting go of the fear, the resistence, & the tension … so your brain learns experientially, that you are safe.

*Staring at one’s self in a mirror for several minutes

*Staring at a small dot on the wall.

*Staring at fluorescent lights.

*Spinning while sitting or standing at a rate of one rotation per second for sixty seconds.

*Prolonged hyperventilating by taking rapid breaths at a rate of one breath every two seconds for 60 seconds or longer.

Do these once or twice a day, and work on extending your comfort zone to getting back to “doing” those things that are naturally a part of your life. Eg going for a walk, increasing the walking distance to a store(if this is within a certain radius), buying lunch, playing a card game (eg Fish is a less fearful game to play than Concentration/Memory when in a severe DR state), widening the comfort zone gradually … mindfully cleaning, doing housework etc, visiting a friend(using public transport initially, then driving your car(if this is part of your usual routine), or visiting a place you used to enjoy visiting.

Stretching yourself & seeing progress. Don’t worry if one day you’re making progress, then the next you go backwards, so long as you continue to make an effort to move forward, and don’t become stuck. Your confidence will grow if you continue to move forwards. The aim is to keep your brain learning that through “doing”, through exposure to these activities, you are safe. Music can be soothing. If you play an instrument, little by little allowing yourself time playing anew, will give your mind a break from thoughts of DR … this might be difficult at first. Fatigue is a big thing when experiencing DPDR.

All the best.

Thank you so much Juliette for taking the time to post al these.. I actually visited this guy's website before.

I am now 20 years under dissociation.. I tried all the conscious and subconscious ways... it did not work...I believe what made it worse was actually having those OCD thoughts about who am I and what is the meaning of life etc, that felt they were pressuring me to sort those first before I can feel safe to get rid of that horrible feeling of dissociation....

and what made a difference is finding out that I got autism Yes.

Now getting an official diagnosis is probably going to be very difficult and I have my doubts about pursuing that further, to be honest.

The personas are starting up again for me. I wore a studded London cap and a Union Jack around my neck this morning when I bought my last scratch n wins.