terrified of $$$$

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since coronavirus, plenty of prices have skyrocketed: groceries, health insurance, gas,

my minimum wage salary, has increased, but not in proportion to prices.

40, single, autistic, transsexual. live alone in a house owned by my sister. last year, my sister said she was going to sell the house, so i would have to move out and pay rent and utilities. that scared the s**t out of me, b/c my salary is not enough to pay for everything. recently, she said she wasn't going to sell the house. however, i don't know if she is going to sell the house next year. she hasn't told me.

i hate being financially dependent. i hate being so fragile and vulnerable and not being able to make my own decisions.

earned $29,000 last year.

if/when my sister sells the house, i won't be able to afford room and board. i really do not wanna have to live in someone else's house. had plenty of roommates in college, and some of them appeared nice, but then they thought i did something wrong and it was like, dr jekyll and mister hyde. also, i need a lot of sleep and plenty of people are too noisy. and i need my own litterbox. and et cetera. precious lil "people" often do not like me or what the flying f**k ever s**t. they are just so f*****g full of themselves.

i missed the deadline to enroll in employer sponsored health insurance and now i have to pay kaiser $424.25 monthly premium and $185 copay. kaiser is literally "nickel and diming" me of my "chump change". in the beginning of january, i went to a dr appointment and got some prescriptions written. have not picked up the prescriptions. do not even know how much they cost. dr said i need physical therapy, accupuncture, leg ultrasound. $$$$$. doctor prescribed testosterone, biscacodyl, polyethylene glycol, needles, syringes. even picking it up takes a lot of time, energy and $$$. public transportation, then wait in line. kaiser is so f*****g expensive, s**t.

feet have been frozen in the morning and night. doctor said i need to get tested for Peripheral Artery Disease and Reynaulds Phenomenon. s**t. the tests take time, $$ and energy. s**t. and then the treatment $$$$.

besides, i am only 40 and sooner or later my health will get much worse and the medical bills will be much higher.

anxious and uptight all the time. i do not understand how other precious lil "people" that only earn minimum wage, could be so f*****g carefree. they smile and laugh and they act so confident and s**t. they don't look like they're worried about becoming homeless.

off leash dogs
customers have the nerve to touch me

almost getting hit by cars a couple times a day

due to testosterone or any other reason, appetite has been getting larger. grocery costs skyrocketing. i should practice cooking, but too lazy. just microwave. but i've gotten tired of what i eat: frozen broccoli, spinach, tofu, eggplant, asparagus, mushrooms, jalepinos. zero microwave meals. zero junk food (since august 2022). 12 slices of bread a day. soy milk, greek yogurt, frozen bananas, mangos, chicken. la cascada lentil salad and artisan bread kind of expensive, but not nearly as expensive as what my coworkers waste $$ on: cars, 5 children, vacations, boxing lessons, gym memberships, ubereats. how could someone that earns so little $$$ waste so much $$$?

i am exhausted all the time and there is no way i could work more than one job. even working one job is a struggle. besides, my job is manual labor and pretty soon i will be too physically weak to do the job, and i am only 40. government benefits not guaranteed, sufficient or permanent, s**t.

i do not feel like i am living luxuriously. i do not have a car, children, or go to restaurants. just public transportation.

i just feel like a failure in "life" and i have nothing to contribute to the solar system positively. below salvage value.

i am autistic and i have nobody to confide in, at work or otherwise.

it gets on my nerves how precious lil "people" act like every thought and emotion that goes through their heads, are the lastest greatest scientific inventions. then when i try to say the slightest thing, those lil dipshits have the nerve to half listen and squeak "huh" and "what" like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me". "actions speak louder than words." when someone has the nerve to refuse to say "excuse me", that sounds like they do not "care" about me and there is no limit to the number of things they are not willing to do for me. it disgusts me how some precious lil "people" have the nerve to tell me that they are "helping" me, or they "care" about me, or they are my "friend", but they (1) refuse to do the slighest thing for me and (2) refuse to tolerate the slighest thing i did, just b/c they did not like or understand it.

my undergrad gpa was 2.19 out of 4.0. got a cognitive science BA in 2007. none of the jobs i have had required that degree, or even a high school diploma. all the jobs i have had, minimum wage, entry level, any old monkey. i tried applying for jobs that required degrees, and none of them hired me. besides, it is now 17 years later, so it's a "stale degree".

seriously regret not getting a 2.67 so I could get a teaching credential or 3.0 so i could get a Masters Library Information Studies, s**t. any accredited school and any major will suffice. the first four years of undergrad, i majored in Structural Engineering and got academically dismissed. i never got over it. when i was 19, i took a career aptitude test and it showed 20 jobs that allegedly fit my personality. civil engineer was the academically easiest one, and all the other ones were in STEM, s**t.

i've been wounded and i will never be able to recover. one minimum wage job after minimum wage job. with long amounts of unemployment. plenty of companies have had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant, s**t.

even mcdonald's won't make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse.

panhandling and prostitution: my only occupational prospects, s**t.

zero "friends". almost everyone i interact with: talks too much, talks too loud, judgmental, condescending, manipulative, micromanaging, self righteous. (misanthropic). i do *not* like most precious lil "people", s**t.