Freaking out about my wedding in one year

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cattunnel
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18 Feb 2024, 12:57 pm

I am 33, female, diagnosed with high functioning autism/Asperger's last year. I am engaged and very, VERY happy to be getting married but I am dreading the wedding. My fiance wants a more traditional wedding where we walk down the aisle, have a reception, all that stuff. She knows about my struggles, but she really wants this type of wedding, as does her family, who are very involved in the planning.

I said up front that ideally I wanted a very small wedding and for the reception to ideally be dinner at a nice restaurant. My fiancee said that sounded nice but was never actually considering doing that. We are inviting 75 people to our ceremony + reception.

I have been trying really hard to not be a wet blanket. I asked if we could compromise on no dance floor and no open bar to reduce the amount of pressure for me. She told her family and friends "we're thinking a small ceremony because cattunnel gets anxious, and no open bar because cattunel has alcoholic family members." She blamed me for these accommodations instead of presenting them to everyone together with a united front which just caused more pressure so now we're having a dance floor and an open bar because I didn't want everyone to be having a bad time knowing that I was the only reason we weren't having those things.

I have tried to just stop talking about the wedding and stop asking for changes because I know that someone will object. I've been trying to not think about it as much as possible because when I do all I can think of is how humiliating it will be when I freak out because there are too many people, it's too loud, and everyone is STARING AT ME the entire time.

We saw the venue yesterday and it was very overwhelming. The rooms for the ceremony and reception are enormous with cathedral ceilings which means it's going to be incredibly loud. Seeing the venue made me realize that I am almost certainly not going to make it through the event without a meltdown and now I just cry when I think about it.

I don't know what to do. I can't ask her yet again to make the wedding smaller because she doesn't want a smaller wedding and if we had a smaller wedding everyone would know it's because of me, because I can't do anything normal.

I think I am most upset because I would never put my partner in this situation. There is nothing in the world I want enough to make her feel the way I feel right now. But I don't think she knows just how much I don't want to do this because I keep trying to put on a brave face and not hurt her feelings. I don't want to say "I'm dreading our wedding," it seems like such a cruel thing to say because people think wedding = the marriage, and all I want is the marriage. In general I'm tired of complaining all the time and being so sensitive to everything. I hate being nervous about everything and ruining everyone else's good time.

I know I need to start therapy again. I'm just so tired of this cycle in general. I'm so tired of being this stressed out by things normal people don't think twice about. I'm tired of everyone, including my fiancee, saying "you'll be glad we did it when it's over." I just want to hibernate until the day of the wedding, pop a Xanax, and get it over with. But I won't even be able to take an anti-anxiety medication because I'll be too scared of it incapacitating me.

I'm just tired of being autistic.



nick007
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18 Feb 2024, 3:29 pm

You mentioned that your partner's family is wanting a bigger wedding. Is her family the ones paying for it? I think there is some kinda tradition & saying about a wedding being for the bride & that her parents are supposed to pay for it. I imagine that if your fiances family are the ones paying for the wedding your fiance would feel pressured to go along with their wishes & might have a harder time speaking up on your behalf. That said, I believe a relationship like a marriage requires compromise from both people & that includes the wedding. If your fiance doesn't fully grasp the scope of & accommodates your autism & other related issues now, she might be in for a shock after you get married or you'll keep trying your best to please her until you breakdown. Either way that could be a major strain on your relationship. One idea I have that might help prevent a meltdown during the wedding is to take some benzodiazepine type med the day of & day before. That's something to discuss with a psych or doc first thou. Drinking a bit a alcohol in moderation the day of helps some people deal too, alcohol makes me tired so I'm less likely to have a meltdown or feel anxious & stressed.

I understand your reasons for not wanting a big wedding. I would prefer an elopement type wedding myself if I ever get married. I would voice my issues related to the wedding with my partner even if she blames me so to speak for not giving her family the wedding they want her to have. I'm lucky that the wedding my gf wants would be just close family but we're both disabled & getting married would screw up her benefits so we've been living together 11 years now & still don't have wedding plans. If we came into a bit of money like if my parents won the lottery jackpot, I'd probably just go along with the type of wedding Cass wants since it's important to her but if she was planning a bigger ceremony I would def speak up & try to compromise. She does have some needy & controlling family members thou & Cass sometimes uses me as an excuse for not being able to be there for them as much as they need or want. But on the flip-side she also kinda blames them to me for her not being able to be home as much as she wants & her coming back home in a bad mood. Cass hates being in that predicament & feels pulled in different directions. I'm not sure if that's how your fiance feels about wedding plans or not. I don't really care if Cass blames me if she's using it as an excuse to try & take care of herself some. I really wish I had some better advice for you OP.


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cattunnel
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18 Feb 2024, 4:10 pm

Thank you for your reply, it helps a lot to have just one person understand what I'm saying. I am so sorry you're in a situation where you can't get legally married because of benefits; it is beyond past time for that to be fixed. I wish that I didn't mind when my fiancee uses my autism/Asperger's as an excuse to get out of things or so she doesn't have to explain a decision she actually made herself that her family disagrees with. It's probably a mindset thing, as is everything else I'm talking about. Was it a mindset issue for you or have you just never cared about this?

I feel guilty for feeling so anxious because in truth my fiancee, her family, and my family are incredibly supportive of me. It's not like they all think I should buck up at every turn which I know is the case for a lot of others.

Her family is paying for the bulk of the wedding but not enough to cover the entire thing so we're going to have to pay a few thousand each. That's another thorn in my side: I have to pay for this situation! It's hard to accept that so many people do things they don't want to do for their weddings because others expect them to. The artifice, tradition for tradition's sake, and ceremony of it all are like nails on a chalkboard to me (though I wish it didn't bother me so much of course). I wanted an intentional wedding with a very small ceremony and a nice dinner afterward where we don't have to do anything because "it's what people do." I didn't want to do a bunch of things to appease distant family members we never see. I am actually taking as many of my distant family members and non-critical friends off my part of the guest list as I can. I feel like I am not even going to make it to the sendoff after the wedding and I overheard my fiancee talking to her parents about renting a second venue for an afterparty which I can't imagine being able to handle. If we do that, all of my guests will be without their host, so I'm trying to cut my guest list down as much as possible.

I probably should talk to my doctor about a benzo for the day of, thank you that's a good idea. I am just so nervous about being incapacitated or "off" in any way because everyone will be looking at me the whole time.

Anyway, thank you so much again for taking the time to reply to my post.



nick007
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24 Feb 2024, 5:41 pm

Thanx for your support. I completely agree that the system is majorly f#cked but that's more of a topic for PPR forum which I don't really go in because I'll get frustrated very fast.
I'm used to being the odd one out in my family & my mom blaming & criticizing me for not being more normal. Cass is generally weirder than me & her family has lots of various issues & I don't usually feel like I need to justify & explain myself to her. I like being the more normal one in a relationship. I never had a close relationship with anyone in my family so I guess I find it hard to relate to Cass's situation with her family. Her family probably woulda been a lot more understanding & supportive of me than mine were growing up but I'm very used to being a loner. My romantic partners have been the only exceptions & I'm kinda the opposite way with them.

There has been plenty of people who feel that their family or partners families do not accept their relationship but that doesn't mean that your situation isn't difficult for you. Things could always be worse but they could also always be better as well. Instead of dwelling on guilt for things, I rather focus on managing the situations as best I can.

I've been to a few big weddings for cousins & such like 20 years ago & things were chaotic. It seemed to me like once the ceremony was over most people were focused on visiting & having a party & the bride & groom blended in with it. I could be wrong but I think your fiancee's family would focus on her more than you during the ceremony & once the party starts things will be a blur for lots of guests.


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"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
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"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
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