Having a moment where I wish I were stupid.

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Then maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much that various ASD traits constrain me from taking decisive action and accomplishing things.

It’s so beyond frustrating thinking that I’m intelligent enough to achieve abc/xyz, but just autistic enough to have massive self doubt and limiting beliefs that I may not be able to control my symptoms well enough to be successful as they tend to rear their ugly heads at inopportune times and put an end to forward progress in any particular direction.

And so, frustrated and overwhelmed, w/o knowing exactly what to do, I do nothing.. which burns time and money with no particular good value for either.

Which is why I’m having a moment where I wish I were dumb as rocks. Then none of this would f*****g matter one bit because I wouldn’t feel like I had unutilized potential to exploit. Ignorance truly would be bliss.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I often go through a stretches in the middle of winter where I don't do much.
Hard to do stuff in the yard when snow covers the ground.
Last year I got out so little I was diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency.
This year I took vitamin D supplements.

It’s coming up on a couple year since a confidence crushing job loss after my behavioural symptoms got the best of me. Not just a couple month winter blues or whatever.


I’m naturally very good at some things. My friend that I worked for said I’m the best problem solver he ever had/worked with. I’ve solved some business problems in a split second reaction to the issue over the phone before - like problems that cost $400k/year solved in seconds. I’m good at that stuff. But if I can’t control my behavioural symptoms well enough for my best friend not to have to fire me, whT f*****g chance do I have working anywhere?

Although, there is the possibility of consulting work, contract work, project based work. Only stick around for data collection and problem solving then collect my pay and leave before too many interactions with people.

And then there’s the dream of returning to school and shifting careers entirely again. But massive nagging self doubts about whether I can/should do it. Fast forward 3-4 decades and all of those thoughts and feelings turn into regrets of a wasted life - especially since I don’t have a relationship or children to pour time and energy into.

And I don’t really have anyone to talk to much about any of these things. No one to bounce ideas off of or to ground me with their realistic assessment or to encourage me to go for abc or xyz. I’m basically on my own in my own head and thoughts to figure it out - or not - for myself.. and I’m admittedly not particularly good at it as I haven’t figured any of it out yet, and so, here I sit in analysis paralysis not knowing what to do so doing nothing in almost every way. Not the worst I’ve ever thought or felt, but definitely not a good way to be living/existing.

Blah blah blah f**k.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

The youngest guy in my social circle recentlyt hired on as a public school teacher in New York City.
The best thing about the job is the pension he gets after twenty years. Plus the fact that he loves living in NYC.

Good for him/congrats I guess. Not really connecting the dots and seeing how his story is relevant to this thread ?

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Being in another generation I wouldn't know what goals are practical for your situation.

As a new retiree I'm transitioning with a really short term goals. Really from year to year I rearrange my finances for a possible move to a nice warm climate as I can pretty much afford to live anywhere.

But that seems to be where you need to start. Where to you really want to be in the future?

Had a conversation about health with a friend’s friend late last night and another on fb with someone else today.

No, I’m not pretending to be a doctor - never have.

But these conversations - I could have conversations like these all day every day and feel very fulfilled. Makes me think I shouldn’t give a flying f**k what anyone thinks, including myself, and just make a start taking a course or two while working and then moving on to the next step and the next step in the process until I get there.

Not like I’m a stranger to difficult challenges others wouldn’t undertake. And certainly not doing anything more valuable with my life.

Hmmmm..

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Well that was an interesting and uplifting in person conversation with my tech company CEO friend I used to work for until I f****d up and involuntarily exited his main business.

Cliffs: He thinks I can do anything I want to academically if I decide to pursue it. He also believes I'd make an excellent business consultant, provide value & cash big cheques doing it.. solving other business problems like I did for him.

Which would I pursue? he asked. I told him I know it sounds unfocused, but maybe both - one as a means to the other. Business problem solve and charge for the Value of the solution, not an hourly rate until it's solved. Could potentially earn incredible amounts of money in short amounts of time and have company owners happy to pay it Because they're getting value for it. ie if I sign a contract that they'll pay me 25% of any money I save them, and my solution saves them $400k, then it's worth $100k whether it took me 90 seconds to solve or 90 days. Solutions are solutions - if they're implementable and work in the real world, of course, regardless of how much time it took to come up with them. Might someone gripe about paying a lot in a short period if I'm quick? Maybe, maybe not - value is value whereas other high paid roles earn sales commissions in a moment.. like a Realtor that sells a house in 1 day and cashes a $70k commission cheque. Did they earn it and provide good value? Debatable. But if I have a contract that says my fee is 25% of your annual savings, then I earned it no matter how quickly I did the work and they get value for it in the first year and every year after that into perpetuity. (Random numbers - would consult with consultant friends to see how they value $ saving solutions and money gaining solutions etc in lieu of an hourly billable hour rate. Zero risk for businesses, too. I solve the problems I get paid, I don't, oh well.. they're not paying a consulting invoice for a months worth of fact finding and not getting anything for it if I don't make or save them money.)

If I did something like this I could potentially work in the Summer and earn a typical Year's pay (or more) in order to free my time to be a full time student September-May, rinse and repeat vs. trading my time for hourly pay or <insert a myriad of other ways to be paid - piece rate, flat rate, commission etc.>.

I have a consultant friend to reach out to for information/connections to work. I'd Volunteer to go work with them on their problem solving projects just for the experience/connections etc and figure out how to go about doing my own thing and/or get referrals from them when they're busy with other clients. Blah blah blah.

It's definitely very confidence inspiring to have one of the most successful business people I know tell me that he thinks I'd do very very well in a pursuit like this. It may seem strange, but his comments and compliments and validation/encouragement/support and all things related are incredibly valuable vs. just spinning ideas in my head wondering if I'm cut out to do any of this and not having the self confidence to try any of it. But when someone else who's very smart, very successful, and very honest and wouldn't blow smoke or BS me gives their assessment that I'd kick ass and clean up doing this sort of work.. well then, it makes me feel like I Can do it and should take steps to explore it.

We talked about a few business things in general - good convo.


He also said he's not in a major rush but would like to pay me to repair the walls in his garage and finish them for paint in the house that he bought last year. My pleasure! I'll make 'em look better than the walls in brand new mansions - I know; I work on those. Annnnd he made a point of saying we should see each other more often, visit, have a bbq etc. 100% agreed. It's just been awkward since I left his company And I also know he's the busiest person I know and worth thousands of dollars an hour to his companies so I don't bug him or his family with things. But it'll be great to see them all more than I have. Covid messed with that, too. Miss his kids, too. The oldest may as well have been my daughter when she was very young - grew up in my arms and falling asleep on me while he worked. The middle child, 12, is the single greatest accomplishment of my life to date as it was my intervention when he was just over 12 months old that prevented him from developing as Autistic.. he's 100% neurotypical and a bit of a soccer star athlete. The youngest, 3.5yo, is such a super cutie little deaf toddler with superhuman fine motor skills for his age since he talks with his little fingers.. and they're all tiny people so he's the size of a 2.5 year old at 3.5; poly pocket sized cuteness lol hahaha damn I gotta go have a bbq with them soon and play with that little guy.

So, what am I gonna do? Maybe something more than I have been.. I feel I have the potential, but it's Very Nice to be told by an outside voice that they think I Can and Should do these things. Dunno why I need someone else' validation or encouragement so much, but, I do so it's very very helpful to hear.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

No one here cares; I know I'm talking to myself. I guess it's just therapeutic like writing a diary or something.

edit: If anyone does read this, they deserve a laugh. The whole meet-up and conversation happened at all because my friend found a box full of weed in his shop and none of his employees would admit to owning it so he messaged me to ask if I wanted it and I told him if it's super old and dry just throw it out but if it's okay I'll take it and gift it to my sister and brother in law. lolol too funny - he didn't care who's it was.. was just like if it's yours take it home vs. leave it here.. but because they only know his very professional demeanour, I'm sure IF it belonged to someone there they were like "Fuuuuuck.. can't admit that, I'll lose my job." So, now if I have a box of weed to relay.. Just opened it up to see and it looks like approx 1.5lbs, so worth at Least $750 but probably $1000+

Also, I didn't Ask him what he thinks of me business problem solving for a living -> he brought it up and told me. Which is far more valuable than if I asked him. I did wonder what he thought, but have never asked because it's a bit of a loaded question and he might BS me and tell me what I want to hear vs. what he thinks. Same for academic pursuits. etc. So feels pretty good he volunteered those thoughts.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I don't think it's about "intelligence".
I think it's about self consciousness and awareness.

Having standards and expectations...
...Then the ability to handle the disappointment and shame of not meeting that expectations.


I think autistics here can empathize with that fundamental bit.

The part that likely turns them off is the numbers, the praises and the fulfillment.

To some it might concluded that you already have it all -- high paying job of a niche, all that amount of sexual encounters, and whatever something much more interesting than dealing with anxiety, exhaustion, frustration and burnout as a constant state of their existence.

And that this setback is something you can just recover from -- this is what many of them cannot relate to.

Because to you, this is a 'moment'.
To others, it's mostly perpetuated.
Mine is a part of a cycle that I've yet to break from.


The burnout and the loss of knowing what to do? And the sudden loss of motivation abd direction in life?
I experience that on a regular basis.
Every few or so weeks of knowing what to do, I lost my motivation, focus and "change" -- starting everything I built up for few weeks all over again.

My main conclusion was that because I'm a biological female who cannot handle her own changes in her own body, and without the means to manage every transition. I don't think I have ADHD, I'm just sick.

I do not have the 'discipline' -- it is as if I become 'low functioning mentally ill' after few weeks of not being one, for no reason -- no triggers, no situations, no nothing. It's my hormones.

Then the fallout, then trying to pick up the pieces; that is, if I can 'remember' where I left off AND if I can actually continue from there instead of starting from zero -- or never.


Anyways.
Was that new to you? Or was it something else?

Are you afraid to lose your wings?
I dreamed of having one, only to be deceived every now and then of having one to begin with.

I constantly feel that for so long; the inability to utilize my potential.
I get that high and fulfillment; that one just had to stay positive and not let self doubt get to you, yadda, yadda -- and getting streaks of wins and seeing the downs as a stepping stone.
And all that control, all those ideas, all those plans in life...

But it's not like I chose self doubt to get to me, more like something stupidly subconscious came up.
Something is wrong.

I don't know about you -- but that might be why.
But who knows what made you lose the sustainability of your state?


Well, I myself have a list of potential prospects -- if I don't have this stupid dump in my head and taking a particular path or career...

Even I don't know what's best.
To me everything is a gamble, even the way my 'mind'(more like body) works is never certain.

You can just go to school or/and claim the title of an engineer for all I know...
Which specifically? Can be built and based from your niche and what you already know and like, or make it a random surprise for yourself and roll the dice.

Even that's more plausible in your own case.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Do you know why I'm able to work and function as highly as I do and never suffer from autistic burnout?

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

As for the baseline level of my life.. yes, it is pretty good. I live in a 3200sf house with only one other person. My car, motorcycle, and van are all paid for + I can drive the truck whenever I want. I have no debt. I have some money. I hangout at a Beautiful beach whenever I want with amazing people. I kiteboard on Howe Sound in Squamish with scenery all around that's so majestic af it's like f*****g pinch me is this place even real rn??? And when I work I earn a decent wage, I have more friends than I care to visit/hangout with, and my sex life has been.. above average.

And while that's all light-years better than a dozen years go when I was in the depths of AS living Hell, it is now simply the baseline level of living/lifestyle that's just my new normal and like everyone else in their lifestyles I want to at least maintain it but ideally drastically improve it and/or achievements/accomplishments & wealth building vs. just stay stagnant and accept what I've done as all I can do. Sure, even with ups and downs and setbacks I've still risen to a pretty good spot in life.. but there's definitely more that can be done. I still haven't even really truly fully achieved independence - I mean, I Could survive on my own (I did have my own place before.) but I don't have the income I would need to live my same lifestyle at a different address. It'd be nice to make enough to properly be able to support myself if/when needed.

I think Most People take a lot of things for granted. Stable home, vehicles to use, abundance of food etc - these things just become your baseline minimum expected daily lifestyle and people seek to increase their incomes and in turn lifestyle or retirement fund or whatever. It's just what people do after they ascend above the level of fight or flight scrambling for survival and then never look back.

*Also note: I've had a lot of years of poverty. On average my income is not very high at all. I'm just blessed to be in a position with very inexpensive housing costs and no dependents which enables me to save money at a way higher than typical rate. It's the house my father paid for that enables me to save a lot of my income instead of hand it all over to a landlord.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.