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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,545
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

03 Mar 2024, 3:21 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
My parents should have gotten one long before they actually did.

But they wanted to stay together for ' the kids' but them remaining together and fighting all the time was just stressful for me and my siblings...if they weren't good together they should have gotten a divorce long before they did, Instead they waited so long to were they built up so much resentment against each other...the divorce was messy.

THey seem to have reconciled a bit, I would not expect them to get back together but seems they can be pretty civil with each other now. But yeah they should not have stayed together for us kids, least I could always see through it. Cause it was just periods of them being lovey dovey to each other than the next week apparently they weren't speaking to each other which always made things akward at home. Cause I'd never know which I would come home was either may parents seemingly getting along or they were suddenly not speaking to each other. I always hoped for the getting along as the not speaking to each other created a weird tension I didn't like.

Honestly the best thing they could have done was get a divorce sooner before all the resentment built up to where it felt like they hated each other by the time they got the divorce. LIke it wasn't fair to anyone it wasn't fair to us kids and it wasn't fair to either of them if they were too different to stick together. But its the way it is, and idk if they were really putting us kids first they should have divorced long before they did. TO where we would have got the normal kids with divorced parents stuff of staying with our mom, then going to visit our dad and it switching off.

Instead we got my mom wanting the divorce and my dad trying to fight it every step of the way, claiming he was trying to do the best thing for his kids...but the best thing for his kids would have been to amicably seperate with my mom and keep making a living...but he just went like homeless and such after all that happened, and Idk i get it becuase it must have been very stressful but still I didn't like him sounding like he was just giving up. But idk he was taught so much that like after making vows things would not change.

Also I don't think either of them were even ready for a child when I was born, they just didn't even consider a plan b or abortoin, like I guess she really wanted to give birth to me.....and I ended up being an emergency c section because I was strangling myself with the umbilical cord and they figured the only way to get me out alive with minimal damage to my mom was to do an emergency c section. ANd well she had c sections for me and my three siblings....but like i love my mom and it's hard to think about she was lucky to be born in an age where they can help pregnancies in hospitals and give a c section, because in the olde times she might have jsut died in child birth since they had a hard time doing sucessful c sections back in the day and well if she got c sections for all of us that means she may not have been able to just push us out sucessfully so if she had been born 100 years ago, my birth could have killed her.

We won't go back.


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Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
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Posts: 11,685

03 Mar 2024, 2:12 pm

Emotionally my parents might have been better off apart, because they didn't get on together and were always fighting. But neither of them wanted to be alone, and neither of them wanted to find new partners. And there was me and my sister to think of. If Mum had left, Dad's work would have made it very hard for him to look after us. I don't think they ever considered joint custody. Occasionally when things were really awful between them and one of them was leaving or threatening to, they talked as if the one who left would never be seen again. It was strangely melodramatic and black-and-white like that. Years after we kids had grown up and left, Dad said he would have left if not for us while we needed him. and that after we'd left, he was just too old and set in his ways. But Dad was also probably autistic and found it hard to make or keep friends, and I'd be surprised if he wasn't also very afraid of being completely alone. His relationship with Mum was mostly negative, but I suspect that even that was was some kind of company. They were both secular, but their regard for the sanctity of marriage was almost Catholic.


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Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

03 Mar 2024, 4:08 pm

My thoughts on divorce in general are that most couples could make a relationship work if they were both willing to put forth the effort & willing to compromise some for the sake of their partner & their relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, every relationship has some problems & what's important is how the couple handles things together.

milamber5~ in your case your wife has made it very obvious that she believes that you are her problem & she seems more forced on blaming than than trying to find ways to compromise. She knows you are very desperate to try & save your relationship & it sounds to me like she's using your fear as a way of trying to manipulate you into giving in so she can get her way. I could understand threatening divorce if she had really checked out & she changed her mind because you did something extremely romantic or begged & pleaded & promised to change or something. However her caving in & suddenly changing her mind about divorce after you decided to give up on the marriage & started making plans to try & find someone else makes me think of a kid who threatens to run away when he gets into a big fight with his parents hoping they'd cave but once his parents hand him suitcases to pack his stuff he chickens out.

I wonder how she would react if you were to get defensive about how your trying so hard & you were to start telling her what you need from her. If she's gonna make demands for you to change, she needs to try to be willing to meet you halfway & make some changes herself to support you. If she's not willing to find compromises that's a major sign that your relationship is very one-sided & you might feel more at peace if you were to get divorced & accept it's over & try & move on. I really wish you the best of luck whatever happens.

I understand having a fear of being alone. I majorly hated being single & was very desperate to save both my previous relationships. My second relationship was very one-sided for various reasons & I felt I could not measure up to her. She actually was an Aspie but she had a high desire to be more independent whereas my personality within a relationship is kinda opposite of the stereotypical Aspie. I'm very affectionate & love spending lots of time with my partner. I also have various other disabilities & I majorly doubt I could ever be majorly independent. She was taking college courses related to dealing with people who have disabilities & looking back I think I felt like I was a special project for her. I became very unstable partly due to me subconsciously processing the writing on the wall so to speak. The relationship seemed very one-sided to me & I was acting out & taking things out on her, some of which were not her fault & she probably had little control over :(

Shortly after she broke up with me I got in my current relationship & we've been living together 11 & a half years now. Cass is very likely on the spectrum or at least has lots of overlapping issues & like me she has various other disabilities besides autism. She's a lot more on my level with things. We do have lots of problems sometimes but we both know & accept that we are both very far from perfect & would have problems within any relationship. Our relationship is very interdependent & we both feel a lot more accepted & supported than we have with anyone else. We both work very hard in our relationship but we don't usually feel like the other is our problem. I'm a lot more stable with her than I was before her.

"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill

"Hear all, trust nothing"
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Comet Zed

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Joined: 14 Sep 2023
Age: 44
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03 Mar 2024, 10:27 pm

I can relate to just about everything you've written, it sounds like a version of my own current experience happening in a parallel universe (without the 7 figure income unfortunately).

My 2c is there's worse things than being alone; being stuck in a relationship that has died for the sake of honouring a commitment you made over twenty years ago when you were both different people, being afraid to leave because of what might happen while trying to fix something that you're not that invested in anyway just for the sake of avoiding having to be by yourself for a while sounds like hell. I'm not sure if I'm talking about you or me anymore sorry...

uh-huh wooo yeah