Seperation from 4 year Partner, Struggling.

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Diagnosis Backstory:

• Myself: ASD/ADHD/BiPolar/BPD/CPTSD/PTSD/PTSD/ABI/Schitz/Social Anxiety/Gender Dysphoria/Male to Female Transitioning Transgender/Depression/Anxiety
• AnonSaviourGF: ASD/ADHD/DID/BiPolar/BPD/Fibromyalgia/Lupus/ABI/CPTSD/PTSD/Depression

Other People. Neurotypical or undiagnosed.

• AnonToxicGf
• AnonSaviourGFExBF
• AnonNewGuy

Relationships

• Past: Myself + AnonToxicGF (Polyamorous) -> Saved her from womans shelter for abuse, helped her to stop taking drugs, helped her get into university and start studying child protection so she can move forwards. Relationship was toxic because there was absolutely no affection or support from AnonToxicGF to Me, but I supported her with everything. Forced into Polyamory because it's what she wanted. Helped her meet a guy she has liked for ALONG time, and finally got them to realise they actually DID like each other, this being AnonSaviourGFExBF and had been to afraid to tell each other all this time. Got them to start dating, and in a 4 week cycle it went from:
  
  1. Week 1: Get them talking, opening up to each other.
  2. Week 2: They're getting comfortable, he's visiting our house.
  3. Week 3: He's moved in and now sleeping in our main bed, by the end of week 3, I'd been pushed out to sleeping on the lounge.
  4. Week 4: I'd been asked to go to his ex's house to get all his old stuff, and had done so. Now, AnonToxicGF tells me she's transphobic and hates me.
• It was at this point that the Ex Girlfriend of AnonSaviourGFExBF, she'd tracked me down on facebook, and actually really liked me from the interactions we had. She ended up staying with me to help keep me safe from everything going on. Long story short, got me out of there and I moved in with her at her place.

• Just Broken Relationship: For the first 4 or so months, we were like teenagers, so in love, cuddles, kisses, hugs, everything. Also we developed an extremely strong friendship. Life was absolute perfection. I became her full time carer because I have extensive past with medicine/caring/etc. Then she slowely pulled away and ALL forms of physical and vocal affection disappeared. Found out this was related to Past Trauma and DID. Different Personality Fronted. For ease of Understanding, 5 personalities named by colour:
  
  1. Blue - Abrasive, Defensive, Protector, Tolerated me and Liked me as a friend.
  2. Pink - Nympho, Affection, Mid, Straight, wants a male, needs a Dom, Same as blue with me.
  3. Green - Lover, Carer, Shy, Physical and Vocal Affection Adverse, In love with me.
  4. Purple - Lover, Carer, Always making sure I'm okay, Also Physical and Vocal Affection Adverse. In love with me.
  5. Unknown - Was under investigation by Therapist trying to find out about this one.
• During our 4 years together, I supported her through her Grandfather (who raised her) dieing, her grandmother (who raised her) declining and moved into a nursing home, she cared for both grandmother and grandfather 3-4 days a week, she'd stay there, and spend nights often. I was 100% happy with this. It was far away, and I used to help her during the day. Then 1.5 months ago her 2 year old neice died. Purple and Green at this point broke, and couldn't really front very much, which is understandable.
• Because of the multiple personalities, AnonSaviourGF is Polyamorous, so I supported her. 1 and a bit months ago she started talking to AnonNewGuy online, he is perfect, in every single way. Dom, Strong, Male, Supporting, Black (She loves black people, not being racist), has Kids which she loves (I have two, but they never really connected with her sadly). He's perfect for her in EVERY SINGLE WAY, and appears to be neurotypical.
• For the past month, things have been HARD, we've been argueing alot over the little things, nothing is going right, everything I do is wrong, or not enough, or just annoys her. We're still strong friends at this point, strengthened through her loss and grief and my support.
• 4 days ago, AnonSaviourGF breaks up with me, tells me if we don't step back from the relationship, it's going to end badly and we are going to lose our friendship and everything. She is right, it's the right move, it's the right thing. I find out the reason for this is when she started talking to AnonNewGuy the 5th personality actually became dominant and suppressed the other 4 personalities. The 5th personality again only likes me and respects me as an absolute best friend and close confidante. So for the past month, all the personalities that are in love with me, have been dormant.
• AnonSaviourGF, Her brother and his missus, and her Uncle and my two kids (part time) live together. It is actually a really nice setup, and that won't change because of a massive rental crysis over here right now. We are back to friends and going REALLY DAMN well with that. I'm also close (REALLY) close friends with her brother and his missus but they are young (20's) lol. I'm older (40's). AnonSaviourGF is in her 30's. She's always been closer to people around 10 years older than her.
• Our relationship was very stable, had a lot of good times, but was always slightly strained as we shared absolutely NO interests or hobbies together at all. On top of there being no physical affection, or verbal, but it was a very stable one and I was lonely, only alone sometimes. So I had time to do my hobbies and things and Care for her.
• Next week she goes to meet AnonNewGuy for the first time. She broke up with me the day after he asked to be her boyfriend and she said yes. She will be away for a week.

Okay that's the history. Messy, Red flags all over the place in hindsite, but I was reasonable happy, and it's the healthiest relationship I've been in through my entire life. She is keeping me as her carer so I have stable financial income, we are all staying in the same house, so I have a roof over my head, and because of that, I can still see my kids every weekend, and we get along great. On that level, everything is good.

She has support from the AnonNewGuy so she is only hurting but supported, and the breakup does hurt her. But I'm REALLY REALLY struggling, badly. I literally only have 4 things to live for now in my life. My Puppy, My Son, My Daughter and My Mum. If I died, my mum would die not long after, I'm her world.

I have contacted Veterans Counselling (I'm ex-service) and they are rapidly doing what they can, and are being supportive. But I'm struggling with some extremely dark thoughts and urges, and do have some support trying to help me, but the pain is only getting worse. I literally feel like a black hole is opening inside my diaphragm and the future is just desolate wasteland.

I'm transgender pre-op geeky neurodiverse slightly overweight (115kg) lesbian with an organic strapon that I can't remove, with a massive caring heart and soul, but most people can't see past the shell. I have really chosen to play life on Dark Souls First Playthrough Difficulty Mode. I don't see any light at all for my future of not being lonely. I have access to do my hobbies now, but I am getting no enjoyment out of them at all. My partner for me is my ride or die, they are everything to me, I mean EVERYTHING. I want to share every single moment with them, show them all the cool things I find and do, and get joy in the things they love. Her brother is helping me by constantly checking on me and doing normal things with me. I get NO pain from seeing her talking or messaging to AnonNewGuy (oddly), because I think on an intellectual level, I know we had become nothing more than Friends with Benefits, and I was single, but that isn't helping the fact I had bonded with her and I am hurting, BADLY.

I don't know what I want or need, I don't know where to go, I feel absolutely lost and afloat in a dry desert wasteland of shifting sand with a bright sun bearing down but I can't see where from, it's like every direction, and the sands are just pushing me every different direction, and I'm all alone. I see no way out of the pain at the moment but to bury my head in the sand and let it suck the breathe from my lungs. I've been clinically dead 4 times previous in my life, to the point that I have an intimate friendship with Lady Death and she enjoys having a cup of coffee with me every now and then.

Freyja Brighid Shipp. Lover, Fighter, Deaths Close Friend, Healer, Poet and Seer. Great for others, but can never be there for herself.

change is so difficult, especially when our hearts are involved. Learn as much as you can about grief and greiving, for this is a loss for you, and eventually you will learn how to cope with the loss and all the changes it brings to your life. Be patient with yourself, feel as sad or angry as you like, no doubt your emotions will be "all over the place" as you adjust. Don't forget to do self care. If depression gets too bad, talk to a counselor or maybe get meds adjustment or prescription for anti depressive if you need it. First and above all, self care, self forgiveness, find comfort rituals, look for at least one positive thing in each day. People say you "get over" a loss. I don't think you get over it so much as you learn ways to deal with it over time. Give yourself time, be good to yourself, keep us posted on how you are doing.

Sweet Pea hugs.

In time you will realize you dodged a bullet.