This is me just saying hello.

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Hi! You can call me Deadmantis. You can even call me dead. My real name (Edwin) rhymes with Dead so there's that. There's a story behind that name but it's really weird so I won't open with it. I have a lot of "weird" interests that take up an awful lot of my time and I'm only around neurotypicals who can't mostly be bothered to care. I'm deeply interested in history from the crusades to world war 2 and even more recent. I'm a spiritual seeker who has read at least something about most of the major religions, I guess I do consider myself a non-denominational Christian at least nominally (mostly because my wife identifies as such and I want to be on the same page with her) but I am very esoteric by nature. I play the card game Magic: The Gathering, and have for about 30 years, but I've always had my own way of looking at it and as a result the average player can't stand me and it's a very love/hate situation even with myself in general. It can be the coolest thing in the world, or it can be a steaming pile of garbage that I'm sorry I wasted so much of my life on. I guess being autistic is at least in part about extremes, or so I've been told.

I'm always feeling like an outsider. No one understands me. The more I try to make sense to people, the more it falls through my fingers. My wife, she sort of gets it, but more in a "I don't understand most of what you say but I love you anyway" sort of way, which is nice, but still. She wants to join a support group for spouses of neurodivergents, and I respect that, so I'm going the other way and hoping maybe I can find some people to talk to.

Hit me up with anything and I'll do my best to keep up. I pride myself on knowing at least a little bit about practically everything I come across, and if I don't know I'm always willing to learn. I don't really know what to expect from a site like this, but this is me giving it a shot.

I hope the evening finds all of you well. I have always known I was different than the others and so many people in my life tried to invalidate that and tell me I was actually the same and was just doing it wrong. I hate them forever for that presumption. I got my autism diagnosis just in the last three months and it's liberating. No, I'm not like the rest of you (neurotypicals), I never was and it's your fault you didn't believe me. I didn't possess the social

I guess I'd just like to find my people. I'll talk about just about anything just to have someone to talk to who doesn't hold it against me. I don't know how common it is with autism, being new to it, but I feel like an incredibly toxic person around neurotypicals, and if they let me talk they are just giving me the rope that I'll eventually hang myself with. They don't care about my interests and they only care about things that are alien to me.

I'm even sort of a family man, I have three step children, but I still don't know how to talk about kids like it's a thing to talk about. I wish them well, I want what's best for them, I'd even say I love them, but I just can't small talk about really anything at all. It has to be life/death deep philosophical ideas that will change lives and paradigms or it's just something I can solve in 10 seconds and doesn't need said at all. Kids, good. I want good for them. I want them to do good. They are good. I am glad they are in my life. It's all good. And that's all I have.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. My wife wants to sleep in another room because she thinks I'm mad at her. But she's the one who told me to come here. I hate to be so blunt but life awfully effing sucks most days and it's all I can do to even attempt to keep it together. I don't know what I'm doing, like, at all, I get up and go to work at a job I absolutely hate and that I'm overqualified for (because I had a degree but zero work record I started on the absolute bottom of dead end jobs at 46), and all just so I can say I'm contributing to the family. I don't get anything from it personally.

If I could just cease to exist and ensure that everyone else in my life would be better for it I would probably be up for that. I realize that is not realistic (so I'm not in danger) but it's indicative of how I feel.

I'm sorry this is very dark. To say I am outrageously alienated from other human beings does not begin to describe it. I feel like I was dropped in a place of torment where the only way to get ahead is to submit to further torment. I just want it all to end. I'm tired. I'm not going to kill myself but I might never be happy for the entire rest of my life, and will only live for the betterment of others, and I guess that's good enough? I tell the people in my life I am happy because I don't want them to worry but in reality I am adrift, and ultimately alone in my obsessive thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Hi, I'm glad to see that you have some hobbies, although you are a little overcommitted.

Hello! Did write lots and lots about deep subjects and then thought it best to just day "Hello".

Ahoy-hoy.

Interesting take. How would you feel I should go about paring away extraneous obsessions? It all flows into one big cauldron in my head, so it's very hard to parse out, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's not overwhelming for literally every single person I've ever encountered. I realize now that neurodivergence plays a part in this but how does one get ahead of it, as it were?

Not gonna lie for all the "cool" topics I'm into (that seem cool to me anyway, obv), I'd really just like to have better conversations with normal folk than "yeah, that's cool, okay, no problem, I'll get right on that."

I really hope I'm not coming off as some kind of jerk here, I just kind of live a rigid life and I'm looking for any insights that might help to make that better. I do at heart just want to be a "normal" person doing "normal" things but it can feel like a bridge too far at times. I'm just trying to make peace with myself, if I'm out of line at all feel free to check me and I will at least attempt to reign it in.

Thanks to all who responded. Just knowing I've been heard means a lot!

I don't know. Most people here have the same problem.

Hi there!

I may sound like I am going to criticize you, but it is really not my intention. Just wanted to say that if you have one loving and supportive person in your life (your wife) you have a lot to be grateful for. And you have stepchildren around you. Try not to obsess over yourself and instead try to be genuinely more interested in their life, try to understand how they feel, what kind of support you can give to them and maybe you will find a joy in it.

As for the job you hate, unfortunately, most people do jobs they hate to make a living. They compensate it with other things they enjoy to do or be around to, in their free time: sports, hobbies, attending various events of their interest, etc.

Once I realized that I am (99%) autistic and that what I am doing is excessive masking, I now feel more relaxed when I understand the nature of it. Now that I am aware of it it helps me not to practice it too hard and to avoid being drained and exhausted. Let's say group gathering were always a nightmare to me. But now I try to show the same genuine interested in subjects people talk about like when I am one on one with them. As for social anxiety I just take 1.5mg Bromazepame before the meeting and that helps me stop worrying if I am going to get panic attack from potential sensory overload. Luckily, it is happening once or twice a month, so I can handle those 3mgs of Bromazepame.

I think that many of us have brains that works to fast, especially when it comes to obsessive compulsive thoughs about oneself, sometimes I think that my brain is fried out from thinking. And that is essential to find ways to calm down. Things that could help are exercising, cardio exercises, yoga, breathing techniques, mindfulness, spending time in nature, in forest, near the river, doing hobbies, etc.

Try to find your balance. Ask for help if you can't do it on your own.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find some relief here.

I am on the Autism Spectrum and my bride is not (she is ADHD) and she found WP for me...because she thought it would be good for me (my diagnosis initially made her anxious).

I also hated most years of my working career but I don't rush into change (I am an Aspie!) so I stuck it out. I'm glad I did!!

Retirement is nice!

P.S. My bride and I still differ on one aspect of my diagnosis. Something which brings me pleasure but annoys her. Whenever she bumps up against one of my Autism traits she gets to hear me say:

^{I have a doctor's note for that!}

P.P.S. I like Pennsylvania! I was born and raised in southeast PA and hope someday to move back to PA.

WELCOME TO WP ...hope you can find some forums or threads you might be inclined to read or even participate in here.

I haven't heard of the game Magic: The Gathering, so I looked it up.



You wrote, "No, I'm not like the rest of you (neurotypicals), I never was and it's your fault you didn't believe me. I didn't possess the social"

That is why they call this site "Wrong Planet". It is like we are living on a different planet.

Probably the most important thing I can tell you is to believe in yourself and your unique capabilities.

Welcome to the wrong planet. I hope you'll find you've come to the right place!

We welcome you, one of us. Gobble, gobble.

Hello. I have learned just about a year ago that I'm autistic, I'm 56 now, and for me it was pretty tough. I get excitable, so all I could talk about for 2 months was "wow I'm starting to understand now" to anyone who would stick around. And it did get dark. It is still dark. But for me, digging through all of that, it helped me to realize I'm ok. I've never been broken. I may have some real issues, but never before have I begun to see them in a light that makes sense.

So if it is any help at all, just know that while it may not get better, it does get different. And can get better. I have more self confidence, and that is a net gain.

Welcome to WP!