I'm blue (Da Ba Dee)

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Sometimes I liken autism to being in a swimming pool. Some are in the shallow end, some are in the deep, but if you're in the pool, then you're wet.

I do karate on Tuesday. It's a new-ish dojo. I joined not long after it opened, so I'm one of the three most senior students. There are three of us green belts. At the end of the year, we're expected to test for brown belt. So now the pace is picking up and things are getting serious.

This is driving home a fact that I've been vaguely aware of, but is coming more and more into focus. The other two greens are neurotypical. I (mostly) mask as neurotypical because I didn't get diagnosed until my 40s, so didn't know what (though I knew there was something odd). Everything I did, no matter how unsuccessfully, was done thinking I was an NT. So yes, strong masking.

But at this level, masking just doesn't cut it. I'm coming more and more to see the veneer is separating. More and more the true Aspie beneath isn't up to keeping pace. The illusion is dissolving. Logically I know that a separation between me and the other two greens would happen in the higher belts. But I don't think I, or the rest of the class, including teachers, who are informed of my ASD, have really internalized the reality of it. So there's some kind of expectation that I'll keep playing NT.

It's becoming a little embarrassing and a LOT frustrating... and quite a bit depressing.

But that's not the reason I'm blue. That's symptom, not cause.

I'm 56 years old. I live in a small rural town near the bottom of the world. A twenty minute drive from here, I can look out over the waters and know that the next landmass is Antarctica. I own my home (gifted to us), so I'm going nowhere. I haven't worked in a decade. And work is an itch that I just can't scratch. I guess it's an executive function issues meets the reality of my geography meets my work history reality. But I just feel so powerless. Powerless because of the things that make me 'me'. These traits that scuttle me.

And it's that powerlessness, real or perceived, that's making me blue. My life is rotting away. In another ten years I'll still be here... doing this... feeling blue...

It's a good song though.

https://youtu.be/68ugkg9RePc?si=vYqndjNnh__kO-f7

It's an excellent song.
Right up there with ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPR_zlhg0o4&t=1s

Do you happen to know what style of karate it is? I ask because I did Wadō-ryū karate for 7 years as a kid.

It's freestyle. It started with a Goju Ryu base, keeping a lot of the kata, but includes a solid Muay Thai element, and a separate study of grappling and Japanese Ju Jitsu joint manipulations.

I'm blue if I was green I would die if I was green I would die if I was green I would die if I was green I would die if I was green I would die if I was green I would die if I was green I would die.

My club was similar to that. They taught Karate and Kickboxing with elements of some Muay Thai, Jujutsu and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Which is not too surprising since Wadō-ryū developed from Jujutsu and Kickboxing from Muay Thai. I also did Xtreme Martial Arts or XMA there which I later learned was more a brand than a style, a performance martial art might be the best way to describe it.