Grief; why do I not feel it strongly?

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(First post, please let me know if there is an issue and I will correct)

I had a very close relation pass via suicide very recently, and I don't know if I'm grieving properly. Yes, I am aware there isn't actually a proper way, but I just feel disconnected and more symptomatic than normal, not really like I'm feeling it?

At the funeral, I had to be in the receiving line, and it was really weird, since I felt able to tolerate physical contact (I'm normally very low contact) and have conversations with people I hadn't seen in 20+ years, including eye contact (my wife [ND, non-ASD] even commented on it) but only cried at a few specific points, and those were generally about missed time/connections with people or something like that.

Post-funeral I just feel like I want to start a project, then end up looking up ASD content or forcing myself to play a game. My work (just started back 2 days ago) seems... trivial? Not in difficulty, just in motivation/desire. (I'm also ADHD, so that's not unusual but the level seems very high)

A lot of the (very small sample size) resources for ASD and grief say the desire to look up ASD content increasing is normal, maybe due to wanting a connection, but maybe for validation that I'm not a sociopath?

Does anyone have similar experience or resources to share that might explain this more succinctly? Am I due for a delayed onset thing or should I just broadcast my ASD more openly so people don't think I'm just a heartless NT? (I don't really tell people since I don't have an official diagnosis, feels like I'm an imposter) Or is this not normal for ASD and I really am heartless?

Thanks; any insight is appreciated.

Hi and welcome.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your reaction is totally normal in the circumstance. I just lost someone extremely close to me and although it wasn't a suicide I was also in the receiving line and I had to write a eulogy, although it wasn't needed. I was able to get through it making small talk with people I hadn't seen in some cases, for up to 40 years. I didn't collapse on the floor screaming like I thought I might, although I cried some during my brother's speech.

I think maybe we intellectualize these situations by focusing on our role at setting the tone. We have a role or job to perform so it gets done according to etiquette and social standards. It's not a reflection of how much we love the person we've lost, and it doesn't mean you're heartless. It means that you were able to control your nerves when it was needed the most by those around you. That's a good thing.

Again, my condolences for your loss.

Because you’re on the spectrum.

Everyone grieves differently, but people on the spectrum are known for grieving Differently than expected norms. And we don’t all grieve the same just because we’re on the spectrum. Often our reactions seem flat or muted or unemotional. Just is what it is.

Hell, we don’t even grieve the same from death to death necessarily. Depends on a lot of factors. I know a thing or three about it since somewhere around 45+ (nearly 50, I stopped counting) people I know have died over the last 4 or 5 years. My brother says that’s what I get for knowing so many people. Anyways, it’s just different for us.. not wrong, just different, and varies for each of us as well as varies a bit from death to death.

Fwiw I don’t have an official diagnosis of ASD either, only if ADHD, but I am Very self aware of my diagnosis + others. I’m autistic, not stupid. I can read texts and websites and comprehend them just fine. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me what I already know from reading and lived experience. Self diagnosis IS a form of diagnosis; no need to feel like an imposter simply because you didn’t bother with a couple year waiting list and spending a few grand for someone with credentials to write it down.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I'm very sorry you lost someone. I have a thought that may or not apply to you.

When i was growing up I lost a few close relatives and I felt nothing, really. I felt like i had a super power that I couldn't tell anyone about because they were all so sad. Look how little this affects me! Isn't it amazing?

I prefer another theory these days. People with ASD often have sensory issues where external stimuli like light or sound are overwhelming. I think that 'feeling nothing' comes from internal stimuli (i.e. emotions) being overwhelming. I wonder if some of us don't learn very young that emotions can hurt and we shut them down to protect ourselves. I think this extends to positive emotions too. Personally I very rarely feel excited or more than mildly happy - I think strong emotions of any type can feel uncomfortable to some of us.

I think I have learned to grieve a little better than I used to though. It's been quite a while since i lost a person i cared deeply about, thankfully, but I've lost animals that I was closer to than most people and I've allowed myself to feel that loss.

So i don't know if that means anything to you. I suppose I'm trying to say that it doesn't mean you're heartless. It doesn't mean that you don't feel anything, it may mean that you can't stand the feelings right now so part of you isn't allowing you to feel.

Possible reasons;

1 - individual differences when it came to grieving. Add autism to that bit. Maybe your emotional reaction won't be so immediate and may take years to fully emotionally express let alone process instead.

2 - emotional priorities and processes.
They're not conscious. Really. This is not a choice.
It comes and goes; or it if ever happens or not. I believe that there is no 'right' way to express these things. Why condemn anyone for this?

3 - add alexithymia. Which is another layer of 'unemotionality'. Does not equally mean no emotionality. Emotional percept or not, it is there.

4 - different views on death and longing. This also includes the context of the relationship. Which is another layer and another context altogether.
One may even celebrate death as a form of graduation or a form of transition; than a form of longing for parting and loss.


Really.
Any stranger can cry over another stranger's death for no reason. Why not the opposite? Go elsewhere in a completely different culture, crying might even be forbidden.

The fact that you ask -- no. You're not a sociopath. And if you are, it's pointless to ask.

If someone prefers me to react violently due to loss, they'd definitely deserve it.
Not that I encourage violence; more like -- really, I don't see the hype around "correct ways of feeling things".

Though I'm aware circumstances can differ; especially when one is maintaining a neurotypical mask, for one's fear of being condemned or judged.


Personally...
I never been there yet. Yes, I'm autistic.
No, I do not deal with alexithymia whether it's related to mental health or autism.
No actual ADHD here unless it's an actual mental health problem that translates into inattention and impulsivity and among other executive dysfunctions.

Yes I have social-emotional imagination.
Whether that matches up to NTs perception of appropriate, it doesn't matter to me.
I care for these people, had been attached to them and I love them.

Just imagining a world where ones who are close to me are no longer be there, just the mere knowledge of knowing they're no longer alive out here in this world saddens me.
I know how to feel sadness, longing and heartbreak over the parting.

I do not choose to grieve what could had been; that's my choice to regret should the day ever comes.

Many had told me about loss and grievances and how much it affects them to this day after years; decades usually.

Could care less if they think of me strong, heartless, whiny or depressed. I pray that should that day come, as long as it's not 'stuck'.

And my views on death is that I'd rather be happy that they'll be free out there.
To no longer bear the burdens of the human physical existence, along with it's nuisance.

So yes I can imagine and feel the phrase they all say as 'they're in a better place now'. But I'm aware that this is not exactly how I'd phrase it.

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