and you are so young ( I am 73, I know, its a perspective thing)
I had rumination over so many things for years and once I got my diagnosis,( at age 68) I realized it was my brain trying to think around any incident where I had emotional pain or struggles. I was still trying to figure out different ways I could have responded and what I "should have" done to keep it from ever happening again.
The processing problems autism caused for me also did not allow me to understand most of those scenarios perfectly.
I also figured out that these were all things where I failed to live up to other's expectations, that I was scolded or shamed for, and that nobody knew about the autism working behind the scenes all those times.
I realized I had no mental filing system for all of these puzzles until I understood that in almost every case it was my processing struggles that gave me such difficulty.
I simply did not have the emotional resources or understanding that finally arrived when I understood that all those things were not my fault, that it was the autism working behind the scenes and nobody knew.
I have developed a filing system in my mind. It is called "finished business".
Whenever a painful or upsetting memory comes to me, I let it play out and look closely for signs that autism worked in it. I ask myself if there is anything I can do now to change or fix anything (do I need to apologize, make amends?) If the answer is NO (and so far they have all been 'no's ) then I file that incident under the "finished business" file in my mind.
If it wants to come up again, as soon as I catch it, I send it back to "finished business".
I have been doing this now for about 5 years, and fewer and fewer replays of pain and trauma and upset take up my brain space playing and replaying. I have less anxiety and depression than ever before the self- understanding that came with diagnosis.
I wonder if doing something like this might be helpful for you too?
13 Oct 2024, 4:16 pm
