Writing for Catharsis

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It's been a while since I posted in WrongPlanet and alot of things have happened since then. I feel like maybe this should go here as I need an outlet. Maybe there is a more appropriate place than here but thought I would start here. I've been feeling very lost in a fog and not quite sure where I'm headed. After I loss my job in July I was on the job hunt for a while. It's kind of a very long story but in a timespan of five months I was able to get four different accounting job offers and three of them I never started and one I lasted only a day. All of this was due to severe anxiety. I could get into more details but think I will keep the rest for the work forum.

My Pastor who was like a best friend to me in alot of ways passed away in April of this year. We have a new Pastor now who is completely different and comes from a military background so he dosen't feel as easy to approach and he's changed a bunch of things in the church.

I am embarrassed to say this but I'm at the point where I don't care how I am perceived. I live at home with my parents. They pretty much have been my main supports. I used to have a good therapist I worked with and he is now gone. My relationship with my parents is deteriorating just due to arguments. The support system I feel like I had feels like is turning to ash. I don't feel like I have anybody I can talk to about how I feel and find any type of healthy release from the severe emotions I have been experiencing. Last week I started having suicidal thoughts. I started seeing a "virtual" counselor and the initial meeting went ok but really want to see someone in person.

I currently am on a State Medicaid program. I feel like I need some more supports in my life but not sure how it's going to come about. I wanted to go visit another church but my social anxiety gets the best of me. I worry how I will be perceived, and I do nothing. I feel bad for my parents because they have put up with me a lot over the years with my condition and they are frustrated because they don't know how to help. I am just as frustrated because I no longer know what would help me either.

I take Antidepressants (which is a whole different story with issues) and due to side effect toleration, nothing has been effective.  I wondered if I need to be on some "antipsychotic" but not sure if that would really be any better. I had a longtime Psychiatrist I saw for 15 years and she passed away this year. I feel like the mental health system as a whole honestly failed me. The system seems ill equipped to deal with the needs of those on the autism spectrum. My parents have done the absolute best they could do for me but I just don't think I have the supports that I really need to succeed.

Just to end things on a somewhat positive note I have a potential job offer in the works for a government contracting job. The commute is a hour away and the pay is lower then I would like but I am desperate to get out of my house at this point. I feel ashamed of this but I barely leave my house for anything besides job interviews, an occasional trip to get medicine and that's it. I feel embarrassed of alot of what I wrote but I really feel the need to let things out because I have nowhere else I can go. My feelings right now are upset, angry, frayed, burned out, hopeless and sad.

I am very grateful for this space and for WrongPlanet! I honestly feel like this forum has sparked a passion for me for learning about autism and hope I can use that one day to help others. I appreciate anyone who managed to even read all this and thank you for the carthasis.

Thank you for sharing that Brian.

Some difficult stuff there - I am sure that many on here can identify with your experiences and challenges. Its good to see that there is the possibility of some positive things on the horizon.

I agree that it the process of writing things down can be cathartic. I also find that it helps me clarify my thoughts and ensure that I am applying pragmatism and logic to particular concerns or issues. When I feel confused, uncertain or dysregulated by an confusing emotional state I find it really helpful to write it all down in a notebook and then try to devise a kind or flow diagram for action planning - either related to changing thought processes / understanding or physical action to put into effect.

Thank you so much, Velorum and I appreciate the support! I need to start writing my thoughts and feelings down more. It would help more for catharsis and would help see what changes I can make. It's been hard for me sometimes to write things down as I don't like writing about myself sometimes. I really need to try though!

After rereading what I wrote I wanted to apologize for how negative the post is. There are some positive bright spots and today I went to my old church for service. I still feel lost there but it was good to be there. Despite the issues I am facing I know there is hope.

Yeah my stomach has been hurting, I think I have an Ulcer.

All you can do is keep moving forward