issues with autism diagnosis

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i was only diagnosed with autism 3 days ago. for a very long time, i have never considered autism as a possible diagnosis for me, as i felt i didn't relate to the most obvious or outward symptoms, and even now looking up signs of masking, internally i try to justify them as just normal behaviors for me, while i deny other symptoms.

when i agreed to the testing, i wasn't especially concerned about an autism diagnosis or an ADHD diagnosis. my main concern was whether or not i had a personality disorder, based off of concerning things i started to do and feel. my therapist believed i had autism, the psychologist that tested me doesn't see any significant signs of a personality disorder and seems to chalk everything up to autism and anxiety, and no one i know sees any signs either.

i know i should feel happy and relieved, but i don't. i haven't yet taken the time to better understand autism yet, and i'm afraid i won't just because of how unhappy and confused i am with the diagnosis. i've just been feeling angry, ashamed, stupid, and lost this whole day. i'm afraid i'm going to be difficult in my next therapy sessions on purpose, or that i will lash out or do dangerous things because of how i feel, even though i know i'm unlikely to do them because i'm so afraid of everything. i don't know how long it's going to take for my remaining concerns to disappear, but i feel so ashamed and humiliated that i'm just trying to stuff them down and not try to understand or figure out what else could be wrong with me because i've already been wrong so many times.

i want to change how i think, because it really makes me feel very, very ashamed. but i don't know if i can or will stop having these other concerns, and trying to ignore them just makes me angrier. i feel like i have no control over anything and no understanding of myself. has anyone had similar issues with their autism diagnosis? i just want to know if i'm not the only person who didn't have everything instantly cleared up by it.

Hi kla2.
I just want to say welcome aboard.
I'm afraid I can't add anything more helpful, being one of those identifying with the last half sentence of your post.
I hope you can obtain some clarity here.

Three days isn't much time to process an autism diagnosis.

I am in a very unusual situation in that while I have many traits of autism, including excellent memory recall, it turns out that I can socialize much better presenting as a transgender female! I've been here a long time and don't remember anyone else like this!

I knew I was transgender decades ago, before I got an unofficial diagnosis of being autistic.
But, it wasn't until about five years ago that I began to present as female.
I did have clues, like folks thinking I was female at the end of phone calls, even though they knew I was male at the beginning.

Welcome to WP! I hope you grow to accept your diagnosis and to enjoy WP.

Before I was 64 I did not even suspect I was Autistic; I would've thought that would be absurd. But, I got my diagnosis a few days before my 65th birthday. And it makes so much sense...not matter what I think of Autism.

Remember, it is the Autism Spectrum. We are not all the same. You are you.

And, sometimes, people with Autism do wonderfull things.