I've only ever been in one relationship. It was with a woman who manipulated and abused me emotionally, than shoved me to the side when I was no longer convenient and told everybody I cheated and abused her. It is clear in hindsight that she targeted me specifically because my autism made particularly vulnerable to her manipulations.
And the kicker is that wasn't even attracted to her. She love bombed me when no other woman had ever wanted anything to do with me, and I dated her because she was the only option I had ever had in my entire life. No woman had wanted to be with me before I met her, and no one else has in the 15+ years since that relationship ended. When we broke up, I wasn't upset over losing her, but rather because I knew I'd lost the only chance I was ever going to get. That experience, and the fact that no other woman has wanted anything to do with in over two decades o adult life, has made one truth clear t me: there's only one kind of woman that would ever want to date me, and that's the kind of woman who's looking for someone vulnerable to take advantage of. No woman looking for a genuine healthy connection ever has or ever will want to be with a freak like me.
I've heard hundreds of people tell me that I'll meet the right person someday. I've heard people say things will get better when I'm a little older. I've watched videos of Tony Attwood assuring people like me that I'll meet someone, particularly someone like a nurse or teacher, who will love me. I've even been told by my mother that women will eventually give me consideration, you know, once they've aged out of all better options. But alas, none of that ever happened; it was all a bunch of lies.
All around me, everyone I knew was paring up and getting married and starting families, decades ago, while my life remained stagnant. I tried getting into online dating for a while, but that never went anywhere. On the few occasions that someone agreed to meet me and actually showed up (over a span of years the number of times this happened can still be counted on my fingers), nobody wanted to see me after meeting me once. A friend once set me up with someone she knew, but again that led to nothing.
And its not like I'm creeping women out; I've had many female friends who like me and enjoy my company, and even female acquaintances like co-workers always think I'm a nice person. Women like me, they're just not sexually attracted to me. And I don't mean to knock having friends, but the problem this leaves me with is that I can never have a life partner or family.
Here's a video I found, of a doctor explaining what happens to males who never have sex:
And sure enough, things don't even work anymore. Plus, I could no longer relate to women my age, all of whom have already been through marriage and divorce and had kids I high school or college. Even my libido eventually faded away, and I finally stopped caring.
Where that leaves me now is alone, with no family, no intimacy, no human connection. Studies show that people who live alone die much younger than people living with families. In many cases, tis is for reasons as simple as there being nobody there to get help in the case of an emergency. But perhaps that's a blessing in disguise after all; the alternative is that I'll eventually be too old to work a full-time job, and with no saving and no family to take me in, I'll have nowhere left to go. If I do live long enough, I'll eventually be left with no option but to end my own life.
01 Mar 2025, 7:54 pm
