dangerously alone......

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Before I go any further, do not badger me, patronize me, or talk s**t to me. I don't care if your some feminazi with a boyfriend who couldn't possibly understand my problems, if your one of them then don't reply back, you've got no right to criticize someone's problems whom you cannot relate to. If you badger me, I might just blow my head off, I will repeat, if you badger me, I might blow my head off. And I do have the means to do so. I came to this forum to talk about my problems and hopefully find some people who understand, I did not come here to get ridiculed and harassed by femiNazi's who seem to think I should just shut up, roll over, and accept my spot on the pecking order as a sub-human species to belittle.
I am post-suicidally alone...... For a long time I figured maybe if I went to prostitutes, escorts, it would help, and it did, alittle. But I can't even afford them on a regular basis. I am afraid of growing old alone and alienated. I would rather not grow old than grow old that way. Nothing I do seems to work to attract women, I've tried lowering my standards, I've tried looking for girls with similar interests, I've done all those mundane suggestions and none of them work.
If I have not found someone by yesterday's time next year (my birthday), I will take my life, on the same day I was born. Possibly in front of a large audience so I can make a big statement, for all those of us who are going through this. All my life, I have been made to think that I'm not good enough for basic human compassion, intimacy, or contact. Like I'm some sort of diseased freak of nature. I gather all my confidence that this ableist society has systematically beaten out of me, I gather it and ask women whom I take interest in, in the nicest way I can find, I ask them out. And always I get the same replies "ewwww, your weird" or "go away freak" or she says nothing and hides behind some other guy, or at worst case scenario she plays along like she's interested just to lead me on and drop me like a bad habit.
As if that wasn't enough, people stigmatize me for not being able to get it, men, women, and all alike, I'm segregated and excluded on a societal level, silently condemned, this isn't the life I had in mind.
If this is how I will grow old, I will make it very simple, I will refuse to grow old, I will just end it all. And f**k my parents and counselors and all those other NT bastards that are themselves so afraid of being isolated that theyr unable to have an original thought, but tell me to "just deal with it". There is only one word for this attitude, hypocracy.
If I haven't beaten the odds by this time next year, on my birthday, I will take my own life.

Your words make me tear up...
I feel for you...your pain and struggle is intense and tangible...
I can relate to your feeling of loneliness and isolation...
I feel like I had to go through the process of being shattered, cut, and re-molded by rough hands in order to fit into this world...
But I also feel that there is a part of me that nobody really notices or appreciates that has survived the violent process...
A unique, original part of me...somewhat like an essence...that is just there, insignificant, invisible, and therefore harmless, but nevertheless still there...

I don't have anything new to say...it probably has all been already said....
It has been scary and at points felt life-threatening to me (like journeying the desert by myself), but I think one of the keys is to be self-reliant, to learn to have fun by myself and with others, not to care too much and not to be not caring too much, not to be involved too much and not to be detached too much, take the s**t that comes, remember the s**t that I give, and always try to give out something positive...
It's OK to cry out in despair or anguish, it's OK to be angry or grievous, but don't forget to get up and run the race...always look ahead....and even though nothing may be permanent in this world, you will have yourself to you untill the end of the day...

I think the people that enter our lives, however briefly or consistently, are blessings from above...
I hope that somebody will come into your life...

I feel lonely too, sometimes I enjoy it but at the moment its like chest ache.

I feel like that exactly. Almost word for word. I wish I was able to express myself with that eloquence.

I think I read your against prescriptions medications but your in favor of illegal drugs such as pot?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=491979&highlight=seizures#491979

You should read about borderline personality disorder.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Medicine doesnt heal loneliness, company does. Dude, Ive known you for a while now and Ive grown to like you as a friend. Really if youd like to start renting with me, not with other aspies, but just as roomates, I think that would be cool. Everyone looks down on me, I need a real life friend too. What do you think?

Sometimes Im attracted to depressed people, hoping that theyre someone I can relate to. I think its more of that fact that just about no NT will be attracted to an aspie. Maybe physically but nothing more. I dunno, those are just my thoughts. I meant my offer too.

Those pills are for people who are depressed and don't have a reason to be depressed. I have a reason. Those pills aren't gonna make it so where I don't have to grow old alone. And to be honest with you I don't trust prescription medicine, the last one I took threw me into a seizure, and it didn't even make me any happier. All it did was make it easier to ball up inside me.

Well, if nothing else I bet you feel slightly better after typing in your post and getting all those feelings out in the open.

OK, so you have set yourself a deadline of 12 months from now. Things are going to improve or you are going to blow your brains out. You therefore have two choices. The first choice is to sit back for the next year and do nothing, just wait for it to happen. The second choice is to actually DO something about the situation and try to improve your social life so that you can get out and meet people. So, pick one or more out of the following list:

1) Start to trust people, especially those who are trying to help you. If a doctor tells you that you need to take one yellow pill a day then he's probably right, after all, why should he/she want to harm you?

2) Pay a visit to your doctor and ask him to put you in touch with a psychiatrist or some psychiatric help. If you print out your original post to WP and take it with you it will probably get the point across. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking psychiatric help.

3) Think carefully about what interests you and then see if there are any clubs in your area that cater to your interests. Some clubs are better than others and some interests attract a male/female audience. The choice is up to you but the idea is to get you out of the house at least one night a week.

4) If people think that you look 'weird' then ask them why. Is it the way you dress, the way you act or something else? If it's your behavior that people find strange then mention it to your psychiatrist when you get there, they may have staff that can help. If it's your clothing then the best bet is to report to a local store and put yourself in their hands. They can recommend stuff that will look good on you and the good ones can really help. If a store doesn't want to help then move on to another one, someone else deserves the business.

5) Keep in touch with us all at WP. Apart from the fact that we might be interested in your progress there are people on the board who might be able to help you out.

6) Make sure you make another post here on September 5th 2008.

Ed Almos

P.S. In case you think I'm talking out my rear end here, I spent nine months in a psychiatric hospital after trying (amongst other things) to kill myself. I don't know exactly how you feel but I have a damn good idea.

Since you've given yourself 12 months, here is what I think you should do:

Get yourself a passport, and a cheap flight to Southeast Asia. Specifically, Thailand and Cambodia. You can really live it up on very little money. Food and accomodations are cheap. Prostitutes are cheap (and abundant). You might even find one that you would like to stay with.

They have great beaches, temples, mountains--just about everything you could want.

You could make a little money giving English lessons.

Going off to live in a different country will give you a new perspective on yourself, and on your own native culture. I'm sure that you will end up feeling better about life, and better about being you.

You ARE good enough! Those people who think you aren't aren't good enough for you! Come here more often, and talk to people, PM people (like me), and you'll meet someone who doesn't judge! There's also Aspie Affection, and other Aspie dating sites. Do you feel depressed? If you don't want to talk about it here you can PM me!

I'd say, just try to stick it out there for the year. Relax. Enjoy. Don't be in a hurry to return to the USA (if that's where you're from). Only return if you feel that you are ready, and really want to.