Being Overly secretive and private

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As I've gotten older, the more I seem to have gotten more secretive and very much feel the need for a lot of privacy. I've always been a bit paranoid, while some of it I know is irrational, some of it I've wound up being right about.

I think this stems from some dumb stuff I did in my 20s, talking and sharing too much along with letting my true self hang out too much. Looking back, at growing up till about the age of 30 I cringe sometimes and every day I get flashbacks to events that happened.

It's like I worry people who didn't know me 15-16 years ago will find out about the past or somehow someone will tell them.

At one point, I googled my name and spent an afternoon going to different sites like mylife, spokeo, been verified, and having my name removed. I deleted an old facebook page as stuff would come up in a search, cringy things I said and something to do with one of my interests.

My guess is I'm dealing with past traumas and don't want things from the past used against me, even though I am not the same person I was at 27-28( 45 now). Can anyone relate to this.

Yes.

Except I wasn't older, but started waaay younger.
Like since at age 7. Probably because I've been living in a home without my own room. Having to share my room, no room for processing because I prefer that no one's watching or looking.

I've been wanting my own space for most of my life.
Also I've been dreaming of going to a place where people just don't know me.
Things that's also mine and mine alone and no one else.

And it just escalated as I grew older; and it's mostly my mom's fault.
Reading my stuff, talking about me too much, the social media posting my pics without my consent, rummaging through my things, "borrowing" and losing it or owning it...

I swear she's a cybersecurity hazard and I want to undo the crap she's doing to me.


Always this sense of lack of guaranteed privacy until about when I turned 27 or so -- that was when my sister left for abroad for about 3 years ago. I finally just own a room for myself. By myself. For myself.

That's largely when I started to learn how to meditate, summon my emotions, and so on... I intend to make my past, especially the existence of that sick version of myself -- as irrelevant to my present and future as possible.


But the main difference is that I want to reveal myself in my own terms - ME. The real, truer self as I am.
Not the involuntary other party did so as a kid, nor because of the impulshit state of that chronically sick version of myself that's been acting more like my mother; chattering impulsively.

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I've always been secretive & private offline. I think the reasons why are because I was bullied a lot when I was little along with others being annoyed when I was trying to talk or do something with them. Also my mom & some other authority figures like my teachers were critical of my habits, mannerisms, & the ways I did various things. Plus I was sometimes punished for things I didn't actually do or I did not really understand why I was in trouble for being rude, offensive, mean, a smart-aleck, or acting out due to the bullying; it was my teachers that did the punishing a lot more than my mom did.

Its the 21st century .... corporations,businesses, governments ,etc all seem to want to abolish privacy it seems .
And with my early upbringings privacy became important . After having my ID stolen 3 times in my life .At different points by person close to me. As I have aged . It seems that the privacy issues have become so much more important.
And am not concerned if someone thinks, I maybe too private. Then often for me . That is a sign for me to aware of them. And I hope they can accept me as I am , but will cut a person off quickly ,if they start to create appearances .
Of possibly being intrusive to my privacy. Without regard to whom they maybe or whatever authority they wish to represent. It not always for the best. but it , took many years to develop, a Safe than Sorry attitude . Was privey to learn a old adage ." The More Information a person/ entity has about you . The less options you might have for your future" Not about trust but down to hardcore facts. IMHO And let me say as a Aspie . And having a mostly naive and trusting nature. This created very tough experiences for me .

If my parents had known what I was up to when I was in my teens they'd have chained me up. I wasn't really doing anything too awful but Mum was quite restrictive and very overprotective. Dad was more liberal but he compromised quite a bit of that so as not to rock Mum's boat too much. And there were other hostile types such as in the workplace where I never really felt I could quite be myself. It probably kept me out of a lot of conflict.

So I grew up to be a tad secretive unless I felt fairly sure the people I was with wouldn't be shocked or use the information against me. Things are a bit easier these days but as a first resort I tend to divulge on a need-to-know basis.

It does all seem to go against the ASD pathological honesty thing. I've got a streak of that in me too so it makes me a complicated person, I can be remarkably open or remarkably tight-lipped and sometimes I get it a bit wrong. In my heart of hearts I'd like to just say whatever I think and express however I feel, but I know humans don't always take well to that so I tone it down to some extent.

@King Kat 1
Dear King Kat, all,

I fully concur and see myself partly reflected in with what you, Edna, nick, Jakki and ToughDiamond are stating.
My 2 cents on the matter: our masking and the fact that we live in a world bottom up formed by NT and for NT individuals, combined with our innate human desire to fit in somewhere, or at least to have a societally accepted place carved out for ourselves in life, make having 'secrets' almost unavoidable. As true honesty, we learn very young, is not appreciated(or accepted).

What I tried and do for the last 10 years or so, is to not see or use 'masking' as a mask…
i.e. I see/use it as my tool to interact with the NT world. My masking is not 'hiding myself from the society', but showing who I am in a way that would make sense to NT society. To my kids, I often state that it is my "google translate" linking my internal world to the NT outside world.

Kind regards,
Kada

I do not think that being secretive & private is a form of masking. For me it's more like I'm avoiding masking because I'm not pushing myself to act more friendly nor majorly lying trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, & I'm not trying to focus on my mannerisms to avoid doing odd things. I'm too much of an Aspie to really know how to mask.

Indeed maestro Nick,

you bring up a valid point; what is masking...
In my experience it depends on who you ask to define it.
I've always stuck to the definition my GP gave me: any action or non action that allows you to fit in better or with less friction between you and the social world of average humans.

kind regards,
Kada

I don't see it as masking per see but I see it as avoiding trouble and problems. In the workplace I've learned the more people know, the more ammo they have to use against you.

Amendment to my above post, It took many many years of a variety of abuses to me , to get the point that I wrote about above .

I found out I was on the spectrum at 54. I was masking my whole life -- I just didn't know it.

Nothing good comes out of oversharing when your identity isn't partly masked, at least.

It sounds to me that in a perfect world we wouldn’t have to mask or be overly secretive and private, but it isn’t. Fortunately, I don’t have to wrap my identity up with being invisible or someone no one really knows because I am happily married now and choose who I surround myself. The person who was the largest risk to my safety and mental health died last year.