Hello, I'm Tisha

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Hi

I want to write here, and I’m really scared.
Today I had a kind of meltdown, and I’m not writing from a calm or cheerful state...

Some time ago… my mom — she founded a children’s rehabilitation center, and worked there with all kinds of kids.
She has four children (I’m one of them), and after working with children on the spectrum, she said:
“You had all the signs in childhood.”

I live in Russia.
I haven’t found a good therapist yet to understand the truth…
But the RAADS-R test gave me 142, and CAT-Q also 142.

All I knew before is that I sometimes had OCD — officially confirmed.
I was prescribed meds twice (by a neurologist and a psychotherapist), but I didn’t take them.
I managed to cope using GSR, a self-development method that’s a bit esoteric.
OCD went away — but the weirdness stayed.

Actually, I was a lot stranger as a child. I barely spoke, I just wanted to be left alone and not pressured.
From around age 14 to 15, I started learning how to talk to people.
Now I’m very good at it. Really good.

But this feeling stayed...

You know... I decided to learn how to socialize.
And that hurt.
It felt like everyone else had some kind of autopilot program that taught them how to connect with people — like they just “crawled” into connection at age two.
But I had to do it manually.

And now — I'm a master
I even work with people’s mental states (using GSR, my favorite method — not advertising it, since it’s mostly Russian anyway and I don’t even speak English well).

So… everything worked out, but—

That feeling…
like I’m a parrot that learned human language.

Like I trained myself, manually.
And it took so much.

So much pressure all the time…
It’s so hard for me when things change — I hate traveling —
and it feels like people don’t understand what I say, like I’m an octopus surrounded by cats.

And I’m scared even now.
I want to talk to you, but I feel like I’m too much — too emotional, too dramatic…
What if I don’t fit in even here?

I’m just so tired…

Right now, I don’t even have the energy to pretend.
And I’m always scared —
What if I’m too angry, too loud, or…
What if I shouldn’t even be writing this here, because I don’t have an official diagnosis?

(Not wanting to sound rude) — with “normal” (neurotypical) people, I’m afraid I’m broken.
But when I write to you — I’m afraid I’m actually not autistic, and just wasting your time.

So... hi, I guess.

Welcome to WP! I hope you decide it is a nice place to visit.

Note that being Autistic is not a requirement for visiting here. However a polite interest in neurodivergence would be good.

If you find it difficult to chat here maybe you could adjust your "signature" to note that English is not your first language. But, based upon your first post, I think you can do OK here.

P.S. ^HI!

Hello Tisha

Nice to meet you and, please: Ты всегда желанна здесь — будь ты спокойна, расстроена или взволнована. С аутизмом или без — ты уже достаточно хороша.

You are enough and you are welcome.
Please browse trough the numerous fora and perhaps you'll find another likeminded soul.
At least for me: the feeling you describe of it seeming like everyone else is on autopilot and I/you need to actively/mentally engage with socialization. It is very recognizable.

kind regards,
Kada

I'm using ChatGPT to help me write my message — and to understand yours too.
Your reply feels very warm. Thank you so much.

I thought… maybe if I talk to people here, I’ll start to feel if we’re resonating at the same frequency?
Like — maybe we’re from the same planet?

I think you might find some here that feel like they're resonating at the same frequency as you...but I think you'll find most of us to be interesting company.

Welcome Tisha!

Your message is so gentle…
I wish I could be like that too — truly gentle.
It feels like balm for the soul.

I’ll definitely explore other threads .
Right now I’m at one of my jobs — later in the evening I’ll have dinner and read more ...

Is it not possible to reply to several people at once here?
I’m not sure how it works here yet — it’s been a long time since I used forums...

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I think most of us here have had the experience of feeling like everyone else instinctively knows how to socialize and we have to put in enormous effort to learn it. You'll certainly fit in here whether or not you can (or want to) get an official diagnosis.

Welcome, you are indeed among others who have had or still have similar feelings.

I can certainly relate to the feeling of having to manually construct one's own manual for socializing and fitting into the world beyond ourselves. Whatever leaps and bounds we may gain in our special interest or other pursuits, socializing always seems to have a far steeper climb.

Being adrift, and often feeling isolated, from others is a fairly common plight. I've always felt foreign and even alien when measured next to my peers. Living more in my head than in the world around me isolation is something of a normal feeling, even more so with my recently becoming a widower.

I can honestly say that overthinking is one of the most common signs I've observed, ironic that overly questioning if one truly is of the spectrum is one of the brightest arrows pointing in that direction, and your worries may well be just that.

I can assure you however as someone who has been broken down by life there are always worse fates, but there is more importantly endless possibilities. Your life and your story are far from over.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Tisha!

I was away from my computer so I could not respond sooner, but I see conversations with others has begun.

Conceptually, Wrong Planet is like Bulletin Board that we can all get to, read every message on it, and write responses that the whole world can read. Additionally, we should have lived beyond Wrong Planet.

But, effectively, conversations between two people can take place...if they do not attract others to join in or if the extraneous posts are easy to distinguish and ignore.

Further, none of us chained to our computer. (I hope!) So, sometimes a response to someone will take some time. (I was away from my computer so this response took some time. Sorry!

As others have said, the idea of "manual mode" is very relatable.

I used to think of it as driving with a manual gearbox rather than an automatic one. It's harder to learn and you risk seriously damaging the engine if you don't use it properly, but overall it's a lot more fun to have a manual gearbox because you have more control, and access to awesome performance when you get the hang of it. It will take time, but from that point on you'll begin to outperform the automatic ones and they'll be wondering why. And it's fun to rev the engine at times too! (Sorry, too many car analogies...)

Welcome!

Welcome to wrong Planet Tisha, hope you find Lots of Forums and Threads to visit here

What do you mean
Is it the idea that even people with the same diagnosis are still all different



hello, thank you!



Hi I hope this is a respectful question
I noticed your signature says “they/them.”
Does that mean this is how I should refer to you? I want to make sure I understand it correctly

Welcome!