Has anyone taken you aside to explain an unwritten rule?

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Wondering if anyone ever took you aside to tactfully and conscientiously explain an unwritten rule, i.e. as opposed to reacting with hostility and aggression or other negative reactions? As I noticed from other forums where the subject lamented why nobody ever just gently told them, then they would have curtailed the behaviour - which was clearly based on ignorance and not any intentional s*** disturbance.

I can recall one time in particular, when I was at college /uni at 20; this guy who was friendly and accepting of me (in the minority) took me aside one time and told me that I need to stop moving in to others' personal space when relaying some anecdote or what-have-you, as it makes them feel uncomfortable (and I probably missed the cues of them slowly backing away, or their facial expressions) - and after he did that, I VIRTUALLY NEVER REPEATED THE BEHAVIOUR AGAIN.

So, it was rather unsettling, but I didn't protest or argue what he told me... and this was in the 90s before I even knew what the heck Asperger's or the autism spectrum was...all I knew was "Rain Man", and that wasn't me.

Still - since we are "digital thinkers in an analog world", it can be tough trying to absorb a myriad of unwritten rules, so I say we need to cherish those rare moments when we're told otherwise... 'specially back then, when the Internet was just in its infancy and I couldn't very well check online for examples of unwritten rules. (Or for the proliferation of awareness of autism, FTM.) I seriously think if it wasn't for the Internet, we'd have a much tougher time in NT society.

Usually I don't really needed an unwritten rule explained to me as such, more reminded of due to my impulsive behaviours. Actually I get irritated when people tell me about a character flaw because usually it's a case of "I know what I'm doing but I don't care". I used to shout out things that were meant to be private, for example talking about functions of my private parts in public. But it was because I really didn't care who could be listening and I knew that out of context passing strangers didn't really care what you were saying. I hate the NT "assume everyone is listening to your conversation" mindset because that has contributed to my social anxiety in public.

I still find people pulling me aside to explain tactfully something embarrassing about myself is still a criticism and makes me feel anxious or self-loathing.

My SPED teacher.

Nobody else does.
Probably because no one else can.


What I need to learn -- everything around "indirect communication" receptively AND (accidentally) expressively, some unspoken rules (hierarchical bits, cultural contexts like workplace fit, "politics"), words and wording i.e "grammar" (how you said it), setups and timing (knowing when and when not to)...

What I need reminders over -- reading the room, tones (expressive), and basically anything around self regulation.

What I can understand and do not need to be reminded (that likely ending up having issues over because of the above and get wrongly reminded/taught over and over)-- anything emotional and around so called empathy, tones (receptive), certain body languages, "vibing and getting along".

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I think I am an analogue thinker in a digital world

No, nobody has taken me aside. I wish they would! I sometimes still get outbursts of hostility that take me by surprise though they've clearly been brewing for a while, and often I feel it could have been avoided if they'd just said there was a problem instead of (apparently) smiling through gritted teeth.

^ fiddling excessively, politely correcting minor (or major) factual errors, pointing out divergences from agreed policy, bluntly failing to uphold an opinion that's become canonical within a particular group, expressing divergent values...

I think NTs themselves might be surprised if they could take a step back from their frustration and see this pattern.

One guy told me that tapping on the table is bad. Especially doing it when I'm nervous. People the type of people who make me nervous enough to tap on the table are the type of people who will think tapping in the table is "rude".

Most unwritten rules are easier to understand and remember than written rules, but there are just some unwritten rules that I know but don't care for and it annoys me when other people care too much because then it turns me paranoid too and worsens my social anxiety in public.

We had a supervisor with a different set of rules, but it wasn't just me who misunderstood, everyone misunderstood because his rules were totally different to what we've ever known before. That's why nobody really liked him.

Since it was mentioned here: Dale Carnegie's famous book "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

I read this. You cannot "win" friends with Carnegie's suggestions. You may be able to influence people with them, but not win friends. There's a difference. Friendship comes naturally, it just happens when two peoples' minds are synching on the exact same wavelength. You can't make it happen with tricks and techniques. For example, one of his suggestions is to engage a person in talking about themselves, and that this will make them remember you as a great conversationalist.

This is BS. I've met people whom I could tell were asking me all about myself either in an attempt to adhere to one of these "get friends" books' guidelines, or, maybe they just didn't want to talk about THEMselves.

At any rate, this tactic didn't make me want to have that person become a part of my life, or make me want to be a part of their personal life.

Go ahead, ask me all about myself. I won't want to be a part of your life based on that.

The title of this book is just that: a title that Carnegie chose, knowing it'd shoot it to the top of the NY Times bestseller list.

No, I would remember

I would put How to Win Friends and Influence People in one of my top five best books of all time list. I don't think one should get too hung up on the word "friend" for Carnegie's purpose's. His tactics help a person get along pleasantly while building friendly and useful associations.

I think being taken aside for explanations depends on who is taking you aside. If it's a friend or someone you trust, this can be very helpful. It can also easily be humiliating. Especially if your social skills are already pretty good, and this is true of many autistic people. I think people don't always understand that simply knowing that you SHOULD be acting a certain way to fit in doesn't necessarily mean you can bring yourself to do that. You may not have the energy or will for it. I am neurotypical and this happens to me too. Sometimes I'm like, uhhhhhnghhh...I know what I'm supposed to say here, but...I just CAN'T do it...it kills me to do or say the predictable polite thing sometimes.