A Diamond Staying Coal

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Haven't visited this site in a long time. I'm hoping someone out there will be able to relate to what I say. If someone has words of advice or encouragement, even better.

I was late diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at 19. I'm now 24, and I have made very little progress in life since I graduated high school when I was 17 in a school for academically struggling teens. I've been in and out of part-time entry-level jobs, and have not gone back to school. I still live with my mother (except now with my stepfather as well who's lived here for several years.)

I do not know where else to go, so I turn to this website, not knowing exactly what I'm looking for. I have very few prospects. As for the gifts I do possess, I am rather intelligent, if not educated or knowledgeable, and I am a gifted lyricist; I make little songs for myself and my friends. My dream is to share my musical gift with the world and become a successful musician. I also am rediscovering a love for fantasy, folk stories, and fairy tales.

But for a while this dream has seemed impossible. I feel deeply broken. Ever since my parents split up when I was around 16 (my father became an alcoholic which triggered his bipolar) and my dad stopped serving a parental role in my life, I have been drifting aimlessly, occasionally pursuing little distractions for so many months that are either detrimental to my progress or difficult to maintain. I have a compulsive video game habit, and I'm very ashamed of it.

I really do feel like I am from the "wrong planet" sometimes. After I left my last job I spent a year doing basically nothing, and when I got my new job I quickly realized again how different I am from everybody else. My inability to express how I'm feeling kills me. I respond to people with short nonsense words like "yeah" just because I don't know what else to say. But, what really kills me the most is the recognition that, I am not where I should be. These are not the people I should be around. Where are the people living with zest and gusto? (To reference Ray Bradbury in his book "Zen and the Art of Writing" which I read recently and loved.)
I should be around my peers, goddammit. And that's what one of my therapists told me, that I have no peers, but I know they're out there, I've met them! But they all seem to go away. But that's another story.

I know my peers are out there, people perhaps from my own planet, Mercury, Venus, maybe Mars? (There's Bradbury again...)
If I could only meet myself, I think I would have so much love for him, so much appreciation. And I have met at least one person in my life who I felt truly showed me kindness and appreciation. And I want to feel that again. I know I have so many great qualities, or at least a couple, and the world deserves to benefit from them, it's not just something I want, but a solemn duty to the world. Coming to the conclusion that I do not exist to be happy, that I do not exist to be like everyone else or to have what everyone else has, but to create beauty, even at the expense of my own wellbeing if need be, was and is painful; I don't know if I've even fully processed it yet.

I am a piece of coal wanting to become a brilliant diamond. But as everyone knows, the only thing that can create a diamond is pressure. What kind of pressure, where must it come from? I don't think I have the answer. Going back to school is expensive, scary, and questionable as to its worth. I refuse to join the military. Where, then, do I turn? What is the first step? I cannot continue like this. I cannot bear the hatred towards myself, my mother, and the world. I want to be good. I want to be a diamond.

Welcome back!

And...maybe check this out.

I'm twice your age but relate fully to feeling like coal that wants to be a diamond, and wondering why my peers settle for what they settled for. I've been to university, I've had various low paid jobs, but the last ten years spent working more creatively in an industry I felt more at home with, but then, there, I felt lacking - maybe imposter syndrome. Now a new chapter has started and if it works out well for my partner and I then we will both be happier.
I spent many years frustrated at having to stop doing what I was passionate about doing and spend the day at a job where I felt wasted and devalued instead. Spend the day subdued by dreariness looking forward to getting home to follow my passions again.
With the past ten years due to the creative aspect of the job, my outside work creativity plummeted. However it's slowly returning now.
I'm glad that I spent my free time trying to be creative. It's not really worked out for me financially, it didn't deliver riches, didn't deliver security... Well we (my partner & I) are reasonably secure, slightly on the edge of secure, but have a home, bit chaotic, but doing okay.
Now I'm going to say "so don't stop doing what you're doing", something several people have told me, but I ignored them and stopped, but that's fine, it's fine to stop if something else comes along, nothing says you can't return, might take some time, but it'll still be there, but also, it'll be there for other things too, what they might call "transferable skills".

Best wishes to those potential Future Diamonds .

There are several paths you could take. Joining the military is one. If you choose a good MOS (military occupational specialty) you might find a trade that can open employment doors. You might spend a few years meeting interesting people and going interesting places.

The pursuit of music might be more difficult financially as "success" is usually how well corporations can make money off you. if you are more interested in the art, Jethro Tull in the later efforts did some interesting work trying to combine rock and English folk themes.

Meeting other people can be tricky because most people are limited in what they can relate to. You might want to experiment with volunteer work as the task orientation makes the social aspect a little more manageable.