other peoples anxiety

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20 Jan 2026, 10:49 pm

it never ceases to amaze me how some other precious lil "people" act so relaxed, smooth, calm.

maybe i am just jealous, amazed, annoyed, confused.

a coworker said that he has been going to court for Manslaughter charges. he said that perfectly calmly, like he was talking about the weather.

another coworker said he got hit by a car, on his scooter. he acted perfectly relaxed.

i don't know if they are just good actors or just great at dealing with anxiety or phobia.

nervous disposition

anxiety disorder

because i constantly fear the sky falling down in some drastic way:

hacked/scammed
run over by car
made redundant
raped

something like that

but some precious lil "people" are so emotionally resilient, or just act like they are so emotionally resilient....

i could not wrap my head around it.

i do not understand anything.

Edna3362
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21 Jan 2026, 10:47 am

Not really "resilience".
More like "regulation" and "recovery".

There are two factors I had observed that maintains that regulation in most humans; the black box in one's head where executive functions are AND if it is actually functioning, and affirmation via shared assumptions of social environment and perception.

Combination of the two, an average NT would be "resilient".
Reality: They're well accommodated.

If they're not, they'd be just as 'broken'.
An actual person with actual resilience do not need those accommodations to function well and are actually outliers than the norm.

An NT without the regulation and recovery factor, an average person gets no "resilience" that you're seeing unless they're outliers or have certain temperaments, which I'm very sure the norm are not.

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21 Jan 2026, 3:42 pm

Some people are very apathetic, uncaring, or not fully there mentally. Stoners are known for that.

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uncommondenominator
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22 Jan 2026, 2:56 pm

A lot of people are in fact genuinely resilient.

Where do y'all come up with these narratives?

When one has successfully handled enough crap, some crap doesn't really bother one anymore.

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22 Jan 2026, 3:38 pm

uncommondenominator wrote:

A lot of people are in fact genuinely resilient.

Where do y'all come up with these narratives?

When one has successfully handled enough crap, some crap doesn't really bother one anymore.

When one had been surrounded by people who had handled some crap, they'd be assured that it's not so bad. At best, they'd be guided and supported; they never had to face it alone.

That, and the common phenomenon that if one shows its possible for someone like them, they'd believe it themselves it's possible for them, too.

Now, are the things that are possible for most NTs possible for most of us NDs?
Nope. An ND had to be an outlier.

The same principle some other outsider of whatever race/age/etc. had to be an exception to show 'its possible' and had to have the higher prerequisite of higher resilience to do the same.

I did not get these 'narratives' from somewhere, but from nowhere with nothing but sheer pure observation.
I do not believe in the assumption and narrative that NTs are numb and apathethic due to the relative comparisons that NDs have "more sensitivities".
Reality is that NDs have less regulation and recovery avenues that NTs taken for granted as humans.

But sure.
I envy people who never had to deal with emotional crap or at least able to filter those irrelevant things in favor of the now and actually control what one can control.

What I don't understand is moralizing emotional sensitivity and pro-social impulses born from those things as a "compensation".

As someone from a culture that boasts "resilience"... :roll:

I do not envy it. To me, "resilience" can mean "enabling inhumane crap" and whatever keeping crappy status quo alive that moralizes "resilience".

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23 Jan 2026, 12:15 am

"Pure observation" isn't as reliable a source of information as what one might think. It is quite easy to come to erroneous conclusions, even from direct observation - such as distinguishing correlation from causation, for example. It's very easy to jump to conclusions, especially if the conclusion is what one already believes, or wants to believe.

Holding one's hand and patting their back and telling them that things will be ok is part of having a support system, but it is not representative of resilience. Having a good support system can help build resilience, but the ultimate goal is to be SELF sufficient to a greater extent, not simply rely on an external support system.

NTs do not always have as good of a support system as you might think. The world does not accommodate them as much as you might think.

But that's a common trope, innit? That NT life is easier, and that they just naturally know what to do and how to be, and are just born to fit in, and the world is just designed in their favor. Rubbish.

What things are we talking about, that are supposedly possible for most NTs, that are supposedly not possible for most NDs?

It has been my experience that autistic individuals do in fact tend to have "more sensitivities". Seems to me that it's not that NDs have fewer avenues, it's that they need more avenues. And sometimes want unreasonable avenues.

I'm not sure you actually know what resilience is.

In what way can resilience mean "enabling inhumane crap"?

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23 Jan 2026, 2:44 am

uncommondenominator wrote:

In what way can resilience mean "enabling inhumane crap"?

Enabling systematic unfairness, discrimination, etc. Not allowing change, not fostering empathy to certain groups because the other parties are 'weaker', etc. Letting it all happen by just adapting to it and "being better at being in it".

You also forgot where I had mentioned their executive function works in the earlier post -- which is specifically the regulatory system.

Resilience, at it's core, is basically just another form of regulation and recovery, really.

NTs have more avenues of regulation and recovery than NDs, whether by themselves or outsourced.
And no, by support I do not mean stupid things like government support or being in a higher economic bracket... Nor being in a social system that's not hostile -- if you know how the sense of self works, it's mostly regulated by environmental interactions.

And what are those environmental interactions imply to someone with common executive dysfunction issues that NDs tend to contend by themselves?

The problem with common narratives is they're very much about the "factors" and less about what or why made the whole thing worked at all.

But sure... I'm aware of my own biases.
But what are the stats about if it's no longer relevant to the current setting nor context? Especially if it's too relative to cultures.

The loneliness pandemic? Shortening attention spans and reliance on AI?
Who cares? They'd adapt anyways. I say let them.
Oh, but what does that mean in a culture where tech isn't so abundant and 3rd places are still alive?
Irrelevant. A warning signal at best.

If it's not about NTs then about "NDs weaknesses" -- in cases of autistics, how much of uncertainty intolerance that becomes anxiety is namely dysregulation regardless of source; innate, developmental delay, upbringing, temperament, etc.?
How much of that intolerance into anxiety is isolation and lacking external sources assurance?

What methods of eliminating and accommodating?
Is it feasible in practice?
And yes -- but still, all I kept seeing is the angle of executive functions, not merely the external sources of whatever made a person enabled. The regulatory system to be specific.

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24 Jan 2026, 12:07 am

Edna3362 wrote:

uncommondenominator wrote:

In what way can resilience mean "enabling inhumane crap"?

Incredibly vague answer is incredibly vague. In what way does resilience lead to "discrimination"? What type or manner of discrimination are you referring to? Your answer doesn't explain HOW it leads to those things - or in what way these things manifest. It's like saying something is bad, cos when people do it, bad things happen, and when they happen, it's bad! Ok...? But what bad things? How does the one thing lead to the other thing?

I hear a lot of people invoke broad negatives like "discrimination" or "unfairness", and when the details come out, it turns out that what they meant was "not being granted special privileges" or "not being indulged to their satisfaction".

I didn't forget your mention of executive function - I ignored it. It was far less relevant than other aspects of your statement. NTs do not always have as good of executive function as you'd think, either. Which goes in line with the fact that they're not as accommodated as you seem to think.

And anyways, executive function is an internal resource - but then you speak of avenues of regulation, and state them as external factors - except for executive functioning apparently, which is verily internal, not external - and then go on to say that you *don't* mean government support or economic status - which is fair cos I didn't mean or say that either - but then you go on to say that you also don't mean a less-hostile social system.

Ok, so you've said a buncha stuff that you DON'T mean - so what DO you mean? What ARE these external avenues? Why tell me what they aren't, instead of just telling me what they ARE? That's like trying to describe a mouse by saying "it doesn't look like an alligator, or a jellyfish".

Resilience also isn't about things "working out". I really don't think you know what resilience actually is.

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24 Jan 2026, 1:16 am

uncommondenominator wrote:

Resilience also isn't about things "working out". I really don't think you know what resilience actually is.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages wrote:

re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilēən(t)s/
noun
noun: resiliency; plural noun: resiliencies; noun: resilience
1.
the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
"the remarkable resilience of so many institutions"
2.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
"nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience"

Quote:

What is Resilience?

Resilience refers to the ability to successfully adapt to stressors, maintaining psychological well-being in the face of adversity. It’s the ability to “bounce back” from difficult experiences. Resilience is not a trait that people either have or don’t have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in everyone.

Resilience is about being adaptable. It’s about being flexible. It’s about recognizing that we’ve got strengths that perhaps we never knew we had until we have to use them. And like many things in life - the more we practice, the more we learn. The more we find out about resilience and certainly the more we do of it, then the more resilient we become.

Resilient people are able to adapt to stress, crises, and trauma. They find ways to bounce back from the ups and downs of life and move forward. Some people are born with a strong sense of resilience. Others may need to learn skills and develop resilience. If you would like to become more resilient, these tips and information can help. Remember that resilience is a skill, like riding a bike. The more you practice, the better you’ll be.

Wikipedia wrote:

Psychological resilience, or mental resilience, is the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with a crisis, or to return to pre-crisis status quickly.[1][2]

The term was popularized in the 1970s and 1980s by psychologist Emmy Werner as she conducted a forty-year-long study of a cohort of Hawaiian children who came from low socioeconomic status backgrounds.[3]

This is what I'm basing the definitions are.

You do know even resilience as a trait is something to be regulated, yes?
No different than intelligence, no different than emotionality, no different than any other human trait.

And what of the context mixing that with NDs when it came to that?

Then what's your definition of resilience then? Something equally vague then?
You are also not answering my own questions in the matter other than calling them vague.

Else, I'm not seeing an exchange here, only the commentary of "where are you getting these narratives from?"...

What's your narrative on the matter then?

Here's the explanation of my own personal bias on that very concept;
On toxic resilience, my current culture's issues with it.

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uncommondenominator
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24 Jan 2026, 10:19 pm

The definitions you've pasted deviate from your own definitions significantly. You might start out with resilience being a form of inner strength, but then quickly pivot and totally re-define it by saying that it's *actually* just a superior external support system - but also better executive functioning, which is internal, but you still say it's about external factors... Your points lack cohesion and consistency.

As far as "toxic resilience" - while there is such a thing as toxic behavior, that doesn't mean that ALL behaviors are toxic. Just cos resilience can become a negative trait, doesn't mean all resilience is negative. Nearly anything can be bad if you do it too much. If by "regulation" you mean "self-control" or "self-discipline" then sure. Many aspects of being an adult human involve such responsibilities.

And anyways, you make it sound like resilience is something you either have, or you don't - yet the very definitions provided by you indicate that it is a learned skill, and not an inherent trait.

I think anyone with eyes can see that I've said far more than just asking where you got your narratives from. You've made some claims, and I've asked some questions about them - which does not require me to add my own opinions for that transaction to be completed. If you have questions for me, feel free to ask them - and perhaps allow me to answer them before accusing me of vague responses.

As for my definition of resilience, it would basically be along the lines of what you've posted - but without the additional window-dressing of making it about how "actually, NTs are just better accommodated, and would be just as broken as us", turning resilience into something bad and evil, and similar additions.

Inner strength, the ability to resist or bounce back, capable of dealing with loss failure discomfort difficulty etc in a healthy or functional way, and per one of your own pasted definitions, not something people are either born with, or aren't. It's a skill, learned, developed, and practiced.

You don't develop resilience by being avoidant, and seems to me like a lot of autistic individuals are very avoidant, cos of that whole hyper-sensitive thing.

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25 Jan 2026, 3:16 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:

ia coworker said that he has been going to court for Manslaughter charges. he said that perfectly calmly, like he was talking about the weather.

Me & my girlfriend watch a lot of real life crime shows & a bit of murderers act calm or even happy like they're bragging about it during their interrogations & court appearances. I think those types of people have major mental problems. You need to watch your back around anyone who acts callous about having killed someone or being accused of it.

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25 Jan 2026, 6:04 pm

nick007 wrote:

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:

ia coworker said that he has been going to court for Manslaughter charges. he said that perfectly calmly, like he was talking about the weather.

Have encountered just such situations.. and must concur , Was working in a adjunct office to data processing for the Sheriffs . And one time .Due to construction ,had to go through the jail entrance instead of the public entrance to deliver Some computer reports that our dept generates for them, weekly .It was spooky , they were booking someone for a murder that ,As I walked through, I believed was a neighbour of mine from some years before . Gave me the chills . Even back then, If I recall he spooked me then too. Speaking of Anxiety. :roll:

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25 Jan 2026, 10:35 pm

uncommondenominator wrote:

Sure.

It kinda implies your definition is rather rigid you cannot see how those points can be true to in declaration that 'I don't know what resilience is'.
It's as bad as saying that I kept pivoting between nature and nurture, then calling them vague.

Quote:

As far as "toxic resilience" - while there is such a thing as toxic behavior, that doesn't mean that ALL behaviors are toxic. Just cos resilience can become a negative trait, doesn't mean all resilience is negative. Nearly anything can be bad if you do it too much. If by "regulation" you mean "self-control" or "self-discipline" then sure. Many aspects of being an adult human involve such responsibilities.

You already ignored one of my comments that it's just another trait to regulate.
And no, not all regulation is 'self-control'. In fact, a good portion of regulation isn't even conscious especially in a biological basis.
As much as I wish self determination and discipline narratives are true, how much does it truly apply in real life?

Quote:

And anyways, you make it sound like resilience is something you either have, or you don't - yet the very definitions provided by you indicate that it is a learned skill, and not an inherent trait.

That's far from my own point. :roll:

It can be very much both; it can also be acquired, it can very much be outsourced.

Quote:

I think anyone with eyes can see that I've said far more than just asking where you got your narratives from. You've made some claims, and I've asked some questions about them - which does not require me to add my own opinions for that transaction to be completed. If you have questions for me, feel free to ask them - and perhaps allow me to answer them before accusing me of vague responses.

But yeah. I can tell half the time it's my fault too since language is not for me.
Tho I refuse to copout of that excuse -- the point is telling me *I'm* being vague; in what way ? If I'm vague, then likely, you're rigid.

Quote:

As for my definition of resilience, it would basically be along the lines of what you've posted - but without the additional window-dressing of making it about how "actually, NTs are just better accommodated, and would be just as broken as us", turning resilience into something bad and evil, and similar additions.

I never said resilience is evil, but can enable many evils by resisting and tolerating whatever wrong, having to adapt and deal with whatever losses and discomfort; the unfairness thereof -- in the name of status quo and even the idea of what being strong looked like.

I dunno. Tell that to the raising rents and living cost of many countries, if not impoverished places where wealth inequality is rampant.
Those people are definitely being resilient alright -- but collectively? They're helpless. They're the majority. Yet there they are, in survival mode where resilience became too much of a requirement.

Quote:

Inner strength, the ability to resist or bounce back, capable of dealing with loss failure discomfort difficulty etc in a healthy or functional way, and per one of your own pasted definitions, not something people are either born with, or aren't. It's a skill, learned, developed, and practiced.

You don't develop resilience by being avoidant, and seems to me like a lot of autistic individuals are very avoidant, cos of that whole hyper-sensitive thing.

Not once I even brought up anything related to being avoidant.

And that's also the point I'm getting -- being able to resist and bounce back.
As such, executive function still very much applies; maybe beyond.
When and when not to decide to just resist and bounce back?

:lol:

I'm not sure.
While I'm very aware my post can be difficult to read, it's more of an indication of where respective inclinations lies.

Point still stands;

I do not romanticize and envy resilience in others that they helplessly had to endure and had to tolerate crap.
But I envy those who are not swept away helplessly, and just do about their day and not because they had to.
This is not a contradiction.

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traven
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26 Jan 2026, 2:10 am

other peoples anxiety

i can do something with this but i don't understand the follow up?

it appears hb is more anxious then me, that in itself can be quite dangerous, at times

most people are (more?) anxious, that makes for most of the danger or targetting (the scapegoat system)

well maybe i shouldn't expand on that

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01 Feb 2026, 5:26 am

Edna3362 wrote:

It kinda implies your definition is rather rigid you cannot see how those points can be true to in declaration that 'I don't know what resilience is'.

Seems more like you personally are implying that my definition is rigid, cos I won't accept or include your made-up additions. Also, many definitions are rigid - that's what makes them definitions. If you order a dozen donuts, and I give you 10, did you get the wrong number of donuts? Or are you just being "rigid" in your definition of a dozen?

Countering your vagueness with an accusation of my rigidity is just a "no, you!".

I know you never mentioned avoidance. I never said you did. But it seemed relevant to the topic, so I brought it up on my own. Vagueness and avoidance tend to go hand in hand. And I'm pretty sure that avoidance is the actual root of this issue.

When all one does is avoid, all one learns how to do is further avoid.

Resilience that relies on external accommodations to "regulate" it, isn't resilience. It's insulation. Shielding. Protection. Regulating resilience isn't a matter of simply deciding to or to not be resilient. Yet more reasons I doubt you know what resilience is.

Though I'm starting to get an idea of what you want it to be.

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01 Feb 2026, 11:15 am

uncommondenominator wrote:

Though I'm starting to get an idea of what you want it to be.

And there is no such thing as me "wanting" what "I" want it to be.
It is an observation. Nothing to do with wanting and defining 'however' I 'want'.

And to be honest, you are still misreading me.
Also you're the one who kept insisting about the definition of resilience.

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